Friday, November 16, 2007

The closest to a top 10 I'll ever get...

It started in the bathtub...I had seen something the other day that just REALLY bugged me, and I remembered in the the tub last night....a church marquee that said "Too blessed to be depressed!". OOOOhhhhh.....they REALLY have NO CLUE what depression is about, do they?? Grrr...
So for all my depressed friends, Christian or otherwise, please forgive them...they really don't mean to be so...well...mean.
For all my Christian friends who are NOT depressed (blessed, or otherwise), please understand...depressed people do not feel that they are not blessed...it's so much different than that. They/I/we (yes, I've had my share of seasons in severe depression...) KNOW that there are so many things to be thankful for, that we ARE blessed, that we are LOVED, that we matter to God. The problem is, in our minds, it makes no difference at all.
At times, it's like a wet blanket that covers us, and we can not get it off of us, no matter how hard we try. Everything is slower, in slow motion, with this gloom that just hangs over us. Sometimes it's that WE don't care, and WE can't help it. Sometimes it's like being submerged in water...drowning....we can see it's daylight out...a BRIGHT sunny day!! We know we have that last breath of air in our lungs, fresh clean air. However, knowing that, and being able to take a breath of the air out there, is two different things....we can't get through the water for the air. That's how this week has been for me.
I could make a list a mile long for all the things I'm thankful for. Things as simple as a good home, healthy family, clean drinking water and indoor plumbing! However the things that loom in my mind get the best of me...and there's not enough room to write all those things down, and I refuse to go there besides in prayer...but none the less...it's a season of depression for me.

I think I knew it would be hard this winter, but I had no idea it would be THIS hard. Missing Jessica is crazy. I'm worried (no, concerned, as I know there's nothing I can do for them) about my other kiddos, and then the normal depleated sunlight and colder weather just make me normally want to hunker down with some good, white dough carbs and call it a siesta...hybernation is here. *sigh*

Oh, don't worry, I don't have the guts (literally or figuratively) to call it quits...but it has occured to me that this is WAY too much pain to be feeling for the normal happy person. Tears come too easy....about everything. ABOUT ANYTHING. And I'm in a constant discussion with God, so I can't draw any closer to Him...He's here, with me, walking me through this muck and mire. I can rest in His arms and hear His heart beating....I'm clinging to him so much lately.

So don't go throwing some "too blessed to be depressed" crud at me....you just have NO idea. you are completely clueless. get some compassion...or empathy...or drugs...whatever you need to get educated on what depression is really like. period.

On other topics...oh, I LOVE the new word I learned from the Dec. Reader's Digest Word Power: "bobo n - A: online posting error. B: bourgeois bohemian. C: devoted friend. (turn page) bobo - [B] Person who espouses bohemian values while living a bourgeois lifestyle. The road was lined with the luxury cars of bobos buying organic produce." HA!! I know a few of these!! I'm RELATED to a few too!! : p

On missing Jessica...after taking care of Kelsey for a few days (well, overnight and a day), I missed Jessica more...in a different way. I really miss Jess. I miss her 2 ways (at least) often. One way is that I miss my friend...the one who would sit and craft with me, listen and share opinions, encouragement, laughs...really connect with me. The one I missed more this week is "Jessica the child" that I will never get back...the fact that she grew up. I think that's the normal "empty nesting" of missing a child...I miss her not cuddling up on the couch with me; needing me to "rub her arm, her back, her face" to fall asleep; the wonder of her imagination and curiosity....THAT Jessica will not ever be back. *sigh* What the heck do I do with that?? Get a puppy again (GASP, NO, I did NOT just say that).

The adult Jessica I miss would be pulling the decorations out of the boxes right now, insisting on decorating (i.e.: it's what she did LAST year when I was too depressed to care about decorating). She'd have the recipe box torn apart, with a list of all the cookies we'll bake this year (with a few new one's I'm sure). She'd have the weather reports scouted daily looking for snow (well, she may be doing that at home, although I know she got a bit of sun the other day as she sat outside during the sports day competitions there). She'd cry with me when I cry, get out White Christmas to watch with me on a quiet morning, talk about watching Little Women, Anne of Green Gables, and any other old movie from her childhood. She'd coax me out for a walk. Hug me. Hug me again. Dry my tears. Pray for me. WITH me. *sigh*

It's clearly time for another bath and a nap...