Tuesday, November 20, 2007

A new day...an old activity...

I don't know what makes the difference...is it really just a matter of putting things on the calendar that makes me feel better? Whatever it is, I'm grateful to have the cloud of depression lifting...a few things that I'm sure have helped:
1. Prayer (I probably don't need to put down anything else, but I'm sure that some of you are skeptics....so I'll put the other practical things down too...) God is SO good.
2. Sunshine (and getting my face, no SPF, out in it!)
3. Volunteering (ok, you need to read more to get the whole picture on this one)
4. Sleeping well...quantity AND quality!

On the volunteering thing...it's not just about getting involved with a group that takes me out of my circumstances, to see that there are others in need, etc, but also the physical thing of getting dressed up, getting out of the house, and coming into contact with other people. It's about having things to look forward to, putting things on a calendar and planning, and being a part of a bigger thing.

So, today I went to the Cox Monett Auxiliary Luncheon! I was involved with them for about 3 years (about 5 years ago), and had remembered how nice it was there (how nice most of the people were too) and the fun things we did while there. I usually volunteered in the gift shop, and my old day was available, so I snagged that up. :) I'll also train to work in the other areas (Info desk, etc) and get involved in a few new things that are coming up....things like a patient lending library, and a POP Cart (Pampering Our Patients).

It felt good to be there again, and I saw many new faces...which is always great. I look forward to getting in the shop and wrapping gifts up for all the folks (and there are a LOT of cute things in there...of course!!) and making balloon bouquets for the patrons too. If you are in the area, stop in and make a big, tax free purchase!!

Jason's not arrived home yet, but he might be going straight to work when he gets in town...I sort of feel out of the loop on it...but I'm not worried. We'll take him to dinner tonight to celebrate his birthday, and I'm sure he'll just slip into the work/eat/sleep schedule like he never left....time will tell...

I'm going to get outside and practice some of that sunshine (as prescribed above) while I can...

Monday, November 19, 2007

It started 20 years ago ...












20 years ago, NOW, I was giving birth to Jason!! I can hardly believe that the time has flown by so quickly...

He was SO laid back, even from birth. He was a good baby, the BEST eater, and besides the bad bouts of ear infections, upper respiratory infections (now I think asthma too) and a major allergic drug reaction, he was pretty healthy for most of his young life. Gosh, it sounds like a lot to put it all on paper...but he was a rough and tumble boy.

He split my lip open on more than one occasion...Mark taught him to "head butt" and forgot to teach him not to do it to mom...LOL.

I don't think he ever had stitches, but broke his arm from getting thrown from a horse! He broke it again a few years later (the other one?? a different spot??) but I can't remember how. Probably during some sporting event...that would be par for his course.

Jason's been such a joy in life. I wanted a son SO badly, and I admit, I wanted him to be a "momma's boy" in every sense of the word. For the most part, he was, except when it came to sports, where he followed his dad's lead by being VERY athletic, and succeeding in EVERY sport he tried. He didn't get that from me!!

So, today he turns 20...and I am so proud of all he has accomplished in his life already...and so excited for all his life has to hold in the future!!
From GA to MO, deep Mexico to Kenya, may you always seek after God and the things that please Him...
Happy Birthday Jason!!

Friday, November 16, 2007

The closest to a top 10 I'll ever get...

It started in the bathtub...I had seen something the other day that just REALLY bugged me, and I remembered in the the tub last night....a church marquee that said "Too blessed to be depressed!". OOOOhhhhh.....they REALLY have NO CLUE what depression is about, do they?? Grrr...
So for all my depressed friends, Christian or otherwise, please forgive them...they really don't mean to be so...well...mean.
For all my Christian friends who are NOT depressed (blessed, or otherwise), please understand...depressed people do not feel that they are not blessed...it's so much different than that. They/I/we (yes, I've had my share of seasons in severe depression...) KNOW that there are so many things to be thankful for, that we ARE blessed, that we are LOVED, that we matter to God. The problem is, in our minds, it makes no difference at all.
At times, it's like a wet blanket that covers us, and we can not get it off of us, no matter how hard we try. Everything is slower, in slow motion, with this gloom that just hangs over us. Sometimes it's that WE don't care, and WE can't help it. Sometimes it's like being submerged in water...drowning....we can see it's daylight out...a BRIGHT sunny day!! We know we have that last breath of air in our lungs, fresh clean air. However, knowing that, and being able to take a breath of the air out there, is two different things....we can't get through the water for the air. That's how this week has been for me.
I could make a list a mile long for all the things I'm thankful for. Things as simple as a good home, healthy family, clean drinking water and indoor plumbing! However the things that loom in my mind get the best of me...and there's not enough room to write all those things down, and I refuse to go there besides in prayer...but none the less...it's a season of depression for me.

I think I knew it would be hard this winter, but I had no idea it would be THIS hard. Missing Jessica is crazy. I'm worried (no, concerned, as I know there's nothing I can do for them) about my other kiddos, and then the normal depleated sunlight and colder weather just make me normally want to hunker down with some good, white dough carbs and call it a siesta...hybernation is here. *sigh*

Oh, don't worry, I don't have the guts (literally or figuratively) to call it quits...but it has occured to me that this is WAY too much pain to be feeling for the normal happy person. Tears come too easy....about everything. ABOUT ANYTHING. And I'm in a constant discussion with God, so I can't draw any closer to Him...He's here, with me, walking me through this muck and mire. I can rest in His arms and hear His heart beating....I'm clinging to him so much lately.

So don't go throwing some "too blessed to be depressed" crud at me....you just have NO idea. you are completely clueless. get some compassion...or empathy...or drugs...whatever you need to get educated on what depression is really like. period.

On other topics...oh, I LOVE the new word I learned from the Dec. Reader's Digest Word Power: "bobo n - A: online posting error. B: bourgeois bohemian. C: devoted friend. (turn page) bobo - [B] Person who espouses bohemian values while living a bourgeois lifestyle. The road was lined with the luxury cars of bobos buying organic produce." HA!! I know a few of these!! I'm RELATED to a few too!! : p

On missing Jessica...after taking care of Kelsey for a few days (well, overnight and a day), I missed Jessica more...in a different way. I really miss Jess. I miss her 2 ways (at least) often. One way is that I miss my friend...the one who would sit and craft with me, listen and share opinions, encouragement, laughs...really connect with me. The one I missed more this week is "Jessica the child" that I will never get back...the fact that she grew up. I think that's the normal "empty nesting" of missing a child...I miss her not cuddling up on the couch with me; needing me to "rub her arm, her back, her face" to fall asleep; the wonder of her imagination and curiosity....THAT Jessica will not ever be back. *sigh* What the heck do I do with that?? Get a puppy again (GASP, NO, I did NOT just say that).

The adult Jessica I miss would be pulling the decorations out of the boxes right now, insisting on decorating (i.e.: it's what she did LAST year when I was too depressed to care about decorating). She'd have the recipe box torn apart, with a list of all the cookies we'll bake this year (with a few new one's I'm sure). She'd have the weather reports scouted daily looking for snow (well, she may be doing that at home, although I know she got a bit of sun the other day as she sat outside during the sports day competitions there). She'd cry with me when I cry, get out White Christmas to watch with me on a quiet morning, talk about watching Little Women, Anne of Green Gables, and any other old movie from her childhood. She'd coax me out for a walk. Hug me. Hug me again. Dry my tears. Pray for me. WITH me. *sigh*

It's clearly time for another bath and a nap...

Sunday, November 11, 2007

On being a "Happy Camper"...





I couldn't tell you the last time I slept in a tent...well, before last night!




YAY...Mark and I went camping! : ]




I admit, I was a bit hesitant...but work has been so hard for him, and I told myself that "whatever he wants to do, I'll do, without complaining" (that WAS the hard part), and when I came home from helping out at the Cassville Library (face painting for their "Breakfast with the Pokey Little Puppy") he had all the camping gear packed up, and was ready to go. We were going to just "go and see" if we wanted to stay and camp *duh* and of course, we did.




It was beautiful. We went to the White River area that is near Bull Shoals Dam (and lake) and although it was sunny when we left home, it was overcast there, but still nice out. We had thought it was only a 20% chance of rain for today, but the woman in the camping office said that there was a 30% chance last night (and it rained lightly for a brief time this morning). The new tent worked out great, and we didn't get cold in our OLD sleeping bags. The air mattresses were a REAL blessing (my back didn't hurt a bit!).




I woke up a few times, once to the sound of the kids playing on the other side of the campground, once to the sound of critters playing in a bag of candy we left out (on accident!), and once to the sound of light sprinkles on the top of the tent (oh, i woke to Mark's snoring a few times too...but that's normal!) I had a bunch of weird dreams...one that Jason was camping with us, one that there was a possum in our tent (there was one by our campsite when we were at eating dinner)...funny things pop up in odd spaces like that.




The river was beautiful, the fall color spectacular, and although it was actually a lot of work in a short trip, but it was worth it. I'm so glad that Mark talked me in to it. I'm ready to go again (although, only if the weather is as nice as it was this weekend!!).


Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Getting on the ball...

Ok, it's a misleading title...I'll warn you right now...

I don't want to "get on the ball" with issues in my life (go figure), although I am looking forward to getting involved back at Cox Monett as a volunteer. Part of that is helping, and part of it is being involved with a group of people that I have genuinely enjoyed being with in my life, and another part is getting to wrap all those gifts! AHA! A creative outlet.

The other "getting on the ball" thing involves where I am right now...physically...ON A BALL. :) After my chiropractor visit the other day (hmmm?...was it Monday?) and trying to put 2 and 2 together on why my heal hurts so much, so often, when I'm not doing things that should make it hurt...like walking (so it's NOT bone spurs!). It ALWAYS hurts after getting up in the morning (and I don't walk in my sleep) and it often hurts after sitting, or riding in the car, and ALWAYS hurts after sitting in the bar stools at the kitchen counter.

I can always get it to feel better by doing the stretches for my back that the good Dr. Runnels gave me.

So, the idea is, I have a pinched nerve from when I slipped the disc in my back last spring. When it's pinching, is when that L 3-5 area is out of whack...OR when I'm sitting cockeyed with the back of my left knee being tight (i.e. the bar stool...where I always sit with one leg tucked under me!). So part of the time (like at the computer) it is from not having back support, and part of the time it's from pinching that nerve myself (with my fat knees...sigh).

So, to help that, I'm at my computer on my "exercise ball". To sit on it while typing, to jump and rock on it while "surfing" has helped a LOT. It's helping me when I exercise to strengthen my body's core, but even just sitting still on it is helping me by being able to keep my feet on the floor (I have short legs and the chairs are always too big), to keep my back straight and posture good, and to somehow take the pressure off of my lumbar region (which is odd, as I obviously don't have any back support while I'm on it!). We'll see what the long term effects are, and I hope that it is all good!

Regarding the rest of my life, I'm waking up too early again, and spending a lot of time in prayer for my kids...some of them are facing difficult situations in life...physically, spiritually, and in the most basic of needs.

My oldest daughter just found out yesterday that her husband's ministry has ended (who lets a youth pastor go just 3 weeks after he has a baby as you enter into the holiday season??). I'm so grateful that they have soft, pliable hearts, and that God is so evident in the situation to them. I'm so glad that they are heartbroken to leave people that they have come to love by serving them...it shows that they have loved well. I'm thankful that their faith has grown, and that they see the good that has taken place during their "season" there.

However, I'm really upset that "man" still takes the reigns away from God in some places, especially church. grrr. I know that my kiddo's (and grandkiddo) will do fine...and grieve for the young Christians there that see "mature" Christians making bad decisions...what a discouragement...

So, lots of prayers. For their future, the place/job/ministry that God wants them to be in. That they will be patient and wait on options, and benefits, and not jump at the first thing that comes available, and that they ask for opinions of others before they commit. Also that wherever they go will be fruitful, and that they see God opening the doors (and closing others), and are able to be in a place for a long time to see the fruit of their labors. And a biggie...that there are other Godly people their age to fellowship with, and that the leadership will be spiritually mature, passionate about Jesus and the people they serve...that they will have the ability to mentor them spiritually and personally, to be good parents, to continue to grow in their personal walks.

Not much to ask for, is it??

me