Monday, October 5, 2009

10/5/2009 Out of pain...do I write...

When I was a teen, I loved to read and write. I loved to write poetry most; sad stories of broken hearts and doomed romances. I over dramatized EVERYTHING romantic...or what I imagined to be romance. I imagine, had I been born 10 years ago, I would have been a Goth...all black stringy hair and baggy black clothing.
Back then, any writing done was purely out of pain. It was a raw nerve that when set off would create the most descriptive lines to put on paper. I had pen pals too, so they were my "blogging" outlet of the day. I remember one friend that I wrote to several times a month....letters filled with broken hearted romance that was safely stored on handwritten pages and sent off to MI to visit her. She was my therapist, my journal, my best friend. Who cared that we had only met a few times and was the cousin of my cousin? Even now I'm sure I would not have survived the young teen age years without the help of MaryAnn's pen pal wisdom. I am sure the postal employees wondered about us, reading short essays on the envelopes of our letters, whatever last minute doom occurred as I hand carried the letter to the corner mail box to mail is across country.
Even today, it is out of my pain I write. Maybe it's the fact that I feel more alive when I am in pain, or that it brings out the best in me that needs to be put on paper via the web or the pen. Maybe it's only my filters that see this as the best...surely I've written good things (or written things well?) during good seasons of life...times where I am happy or joyful? Perhaps it's only that when I'm down (or blue, or depressed, or in times of trouble) that I stop long enough to write at all?? Lord only knows!
But write I must!! So, in hopes of getting "back on track" over the fall and winter seasons, I am writing again. The seasonal change, as beautiful as it is, is enough to put my mind at work - stopping me in the middle of the day to jot down ideas for blogging, articles, letters. Then the daily lack of sunlight, the fullest of moons to keep me up at night, the frosty mornings and low daytime highs....these will fuel the pen (or the Mac, as it may be...).
I hope that you don't suffer from SAD! I hope that you reside in a sun-shiny place where the temps barely dip and that you can get a tan year around without resorting to fake bake tanning salons! I hope that when you are faced with freezing temps it's because you are on a holiday trip, and the sound of the snow swooshing under your skis brings joy to your heart - and the wind whipping at your nose is from the speed of snowboarding down the side of a mountain!!
That is not MY life!! I don't want to be there. I will live with the cold seasons here, and will be grateful for the little bits of snow, hope that the freezing temps will kill off next season's bugs, that the cold winter winds will only nip at my nose from my car door to the front of whatever market I'm shopping at this week, and mostly enjoy the warmth from my oven when I bake toasty goodies to share....and of course be grateful for heat that doesn't have to be fed at 3 am in the morning with buggy firewood.... :)
Living through the season's of life with you....seeing all things good!
marina