Wednesday, May 4, 2011

spiritual black holes??

since writing about Spiritual White Space, i've been feeling that i'm in a Spiritual Black Hole - oh, my faith has not been shaken...it's still there - and growing even! but it's been a hard couple of weeks...months???


today Holley Gerth at "Heart to Heart With Holley" wrote about being in a hallway...and seemingly facing a dead end, and it got me thinking... and then this is where i landed in words to Holley...



"thanks. 
i'm praying for you and the hallway you're in too. i know that this can be a hard season for many women; missing our moms, longing to be moms, and moms without kids around, all seem to share this hallway. makes me want to get to that corner and give a little cry...my daughter miscarried last week, my mother's been gone for a long time already, and it's one of the few times that i won't see any of my own 3 kids - and my husband has to work to boot! 
any other year i'd know what to do, have a few widowed friends in the wings, put a plan in place - but we're in a new town, in a new area, and i'm sort of at a loss. each time i think i have a decent idea, God puts a stop to it...so it may just be He and I...and that must be ok!! 
so I'm praying for those that are also facing hardships on this Mother's Day...we're in good company with Him in our corner..."


pity party...not quite...just a remembrance. HE IS HERE. i am not alone. certainly not in my circumstances, and i have no reason or room to really complain...it's just all hitting at one time. a really long work project that keeps my husband away too many hours, for too many days...loneliness sets in... but he has a job, and it allows me to volunteer, to stay home, to be available for those times he can take off work on a normal work day...to see kids, grandkids - yes, there are a few out there, though not close to me, i am half-way closer than a few years ago. and the daughter that miscarried - oh, it hurts when our kids hurt - but their faith remains strong in our Father, and although they question "why?" they trust His perfect timing, and see the blessings in His perfect will this. and missing my mom...she died so long ago, but there were so many years i didn't miss her, didn't think i would ever miss her, there was so much hurt and bitterness locked in there, and God came and healed my heart when i let Him in, when i let Him touch me there...  


so no, no pity party here. just seeking His will for that day, and wondering if i will make a plan to go and do and venture out, or what?? what shall i do?? i wouldn't normally go to church that day, i attend evening services on Sat., but would He be honored if i went then, looked for another lonely woman who is also walking this hallway? would He open the door for me to volunteer to help with gathering the tornado relief supplies? would He be honored by my best if i even just got out of my bed, out of the house, and gave a day to Him in silence? camera clicking at the sights around me, looking for ways to showcase the beauty of His creation?? 


oh, the plan still needs to come together, and i'm not sure what it will look like, but i don't think i'll sit at the end of this hallway and not take on a bit more landscape; be willing to grow a little more; let Him grow a little more in me...


and i may even take a bit of that hallway with me. black. hole. and. all. 


take it out to the great outdoors. let it get some fresh air. breathe deep. in silence and beauty allow myself to grieve - just a bit - and think of all the mother's days that mom has not been here, all the other women that are missing their moms, their children, their unborn children that they never got to hold. and take that hole and let God pack it with His hands. fill it to full and overflowing with His love, like wet sand in a bucket, and tip me over to leave something to build on...whether it's another year, or another hallway, it's all just another journey to take with Him.