Thursday, March 24, 2011

today

lately i haven't been feeling like writing much. nothing is wrong, i've just been contemplative. my thoughts have been very deep, and somehow between my mind and my keyboard i'm losing my words (or my nerve) to write.

i'm ok with that. the past few months i've been delving into my life, my hobbies; determining who i am and what i do, and what is different between the two.

i've been learning that i need to let go of things that are "good" and hold on to things that are "most excellent" and sometimes i have a hard time telling the difference between the two...but i'm learning. what are the things that God allows me to do, and what did He create me to do? what are the most important things that i could accomplish in my life for His glory?

so today, for no particular reason, this thought came to mind;

"So often I'm praying for answers, healing, resolution, restoration, renewal. I'm looking for God to solve my issues, my problems, to make it all go away and leave me refreshed. More often I'm realizing that God just wants me to curl up close to Him and listen; wait it out with Him, take baby steps WITH Him..trusting Him to come through the trial with me..and for me to be changed more than the circumstances around me."

so this is what i'm learning. today.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Results

We all want immediate results. No one likes being in a waiting room...unless it's delaying the inevitable!

My appointment went well today. I had the same technologist that I had a few weeks ago, and she did the magnified mammogram ("it WILL hurt - a pinch instead of a pressure, and it MAY bruise!") and also the ultrasound.

After the mammogram she showed me the area of concern - and at that point she said up front - it doesn't look like cancer - it's smooth and round and cancer has a spiky look to it where the blood vessels are going in and out of it. It's also clear, the same color of your breast tissue...cancer is usually opaque, you can't see through it. But sure enough there was that 6cm round, smooth, area that looked like a drop of oil sitting on a bowl of water...you can see it's there, but it doesn't look much different.

There was also a thought that it might be a lymph node, but the ultrasound ruled that out.

I still can not feel it, she said because it's too deep and because it's breast tissue encapsulated into this "wall" that my body has made for it.

But it's NOT cancer!! and I don't have to go back for a year!! :) YAY GOD!!!

Now Thursday I see the allergist/immunologist...prayers there for wisdom for him, patience for me, and that he'll have some divine insight as to what ALL the REST of my issues are (hives, swollen lymph nodes with rash/itching, asthma, anxiety, and now with no estrogen - also night sweats, hot flashes, and the normal menopausal symptoms. LOL

I think that God gave me such a great 49th year (my year of Jubilee) because He knew I'd need my strength for 50 - sort of the calm before the storm...

I trust Him.

Thanks so much for praying - I sure felt those prayers all week long, and never did I feel fearful - although I did have moments of *sighing* over the what if's.....

blessings,
marina

Friday, March 4, 2011

updated

Appt. on Tuesday for repeat mammogram and ultrasound on right side. We'll know the results before we leave - God's so good!

resting in the midst of the storms of life...

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”" 
Matthew 11:28-30

there are few things as relaxing as resting in a warm, sunny spot on a couch, or the corner of my bed, when the sun is sitting in just the right spot.

it makes me feel like a cat, curled up for a nap...the peace it brings is complete. i have no problem falling asleep, knowing full well that it's cold outside in the spring air - but the sunny shine is growing warmth in that one spot, just for me. purrrrrr

just as easy, on a cold, blustery day, i can curl up under a cotton blanket and fall asleep to the sounds of rain on the window pane, tap tap tapping on the roof, clattering as it drips down the gutters. like a smooth jazz ensemble it will lull me to sleep. even thunder in the distance won't wake me....

but if my mind won't be quieted to hear the rhythm of the rain, if my body won't sit still in that sunny spot or i am too focused on all that this weather is keeping me from doing - i lose that moment. i completely skip over that blessing and see it as a curse. i MISS the blessing that God intended it to be for me.

sleep is essential to good health. rest is healing. naps are good. i am an 8 - 10 hour of sleep person and an avid dreamer, so sleeping to me is like going to the movies. i never know what is playing, but i often remember the dreams. it's a joke with my husband (who doesn't recall his dreams) and I. there have been times i've had to apologize as i awaken with a grudge against him, remnants of whatever he's done in the dream. poor guy doesn't stand a chance.

several years back i was dealing with a rough bout of depression. when a severe reaction to the medication abruptly ended my capacity to take any of that class of drugs (ssri) we had to reanalyze how to approach it. the solution (that's worked great) was to focus on getting the rest that i needed. if i don't sleep, i am stressed, if i stress then depression sets in, and the cycle going on, spiraling down. rest is my best med.

rest and relaxation is healing too. i think that's why it's important to allow yourself time to rest when recovering from illness. keeping a good mental outlook is important too, and that's hard to do when we're tired and cranky. it makes it hard for others to want to help us too!

i'm sitting on the cusp of something right now. dealing with 3+ years of hives and swollen lymph nodes, and the newer issues of asthma (with a few bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia this past winter), and now i get that wonderful note following my mammogram that more tests are needed. 

i'm not afraid. i believe (firmly) that ALL things happen to bring God glory, and i know that He will be glorified through this process. in the uncertainty, the waiting, the tears and celebrations that lie ahead. i want Him to work in me and through me. He can heal me in all areas of my health, i welcome it!! and if He doesn't, then i know He has a purpose for this to happen. for me to share my story? to encourage someone in their faith? to bring my husband and i closer together in each moment? i don't know, but i welcome it all. use me Lord, in my frailty and brokenness, in my waiting, in my resting.

struggling in a waiting room is such a waste. even think of being in any other waiting situation....for a haircut, or the dentist office, or that last month of pregnancy...to struggle against it only creates more strife; makes us more miserable. when we live in that moment and enjoy that process then we can learn from it, flourish in it, bless others and be blessed. 

i don't like being here, but i know not to fight it.

so rest i will. i'll live in the moment and chronicle my journey in these blog entries - even if it ends tomorrow with the simple "oops! we made a mistake!" moment. i know He can make this all go away....if that's His will. and if it's not, then i'll rest in the waiting rooms and go through the medical hoops and maybe even argue with doctors in a respectful way - seeking His will for whatever lies ahead; trusting Him more than i trust any doctor. 

wow! a new journey to embark on...a little like our recent trip...i know where i want to end up (healthy and whole) but i'm not sure what the trip will look like to get there. i'm so glad God's got the map, and I can fall asleep in the back seat of the car, sunshine streaming in through the window, as He carries me down this road...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
      do not depend on your own understanding.
 
Seek his will in all you do,
      and he will show you which path to take."
Proverbs 3:5-6