Friday, May 11, 2012

On Mother's Day for the Motherless...

Another one of the GypsyMama's blogs got me going on this. I put off reading it for a few days, and JUST as I was going to start cleaning my room, I saw the post again. sigh. I had to read it now, in the quiet of my room. My VERY MESSY ROOM that I'm supposed to be cleaning. ugh.


ok. not cleaning my room. crying. i put off reading this yesterday, knowing it would be emotional for me. i've cried all week. it's a normal pre-mother's day ritual, and will last till july (after her summer solstice birthday).

my mom died a week before i turned 13. she had surgery for lung cancer in the spring, came home to continue smoking all that summer - and we fought- hard - arguments between the ill mom who knew she was dying and the pre-teen daughter that didn't get it, and the self-absorbed dad that wouldn't open up enough to be honest with either of us. with any one.

i came home from school one october day to find my house full of strangers and old friends and neighbors offering condolences. my dad didn't even have a thought to pick my sister and i up from school. to tell us in private. to let us grieve.

i was so angry for so long at everyone that it didn't matter. and it wasn't until i was in a dressing room trying on a wedding gown that i wished my mom was there. then i noticed that "Honey" was playing on the intercom. that bobby goldsboro song of his sweet girl who died too young. and i bawled. it was one of the few songs that moved me to tears over my mom not being there.
i missed her the whole season of my wedding, each time i had a baby, then when my girls married and had their own babies.

i hate that my kids don't know her. that i didn't get to have an example of what a grandma was supposed to be like. that she didn't assure me that i was a good mom.

but i trust God that His timing was perfect. that she couldn't be there so HE COULD be there, because it was THAT loneliness that drew me to Him. To His Love.

and He's been there with me those days....even (like now) when the tears spill...