I know, I know....I wrote this great blog on renewed hope - and today - well, really yesterday and now today - I am waking up needing to take a dose of my own medicine.
Depressed. Lonely. Tearful.like.eyes.welling.with.tears.as.i.type.this...ugh
From going to a life FULL to so much empty is so painful. I KNOW that there is more "out there", that He doesn't want me to be holed up in the house listening to the whimpering Abbey the Wonderdog (because she KNOWS something isn't right with me, she's that good).
I'm trying. I'm praying. I'm setting goals to get out of the house, and praying God will open a few doors.
Mark was super encouraged because 2 of the neighbors have come over to introduce themselves. One man next door; and the woman on the other side next door. They are delightful. Really. Just not kindred spirits. Not family.
And in the Mark and I still getting to know each other phase of all this - well, Sunday didn't go so well at church. I'm the lull around and see if anyone wants to go out person, and Mark has the list of things to get done after church to scoot him out.
So he surprised me with a really nice sit down lunch out - I was not expecting that at all - but seeing everyone else out for after church lunch, family gathered, friends laughing, parents connecting with college kids for the day-after-the game recovery - well, it sort of hurt more. It set apart my alone-ness even more. Well, not MY aloneness - I WAS with Mark - but it was just the two of us. Alone.
(My writing was just interrupted with a surprise FaceTime call from my oldest daughter Melissa, and 3 of her 4 kids...just to see the youngest SO happy to see me made that worth while...but again my eyes well up with tears with missing them all so much)
So, for those of you that read that last post - the one telling of all the wondrous things God did moving us from that desert place - I'm asking you to please pray for me. NOW. Because I know that those places exist, and I long to be in a place of contentment HERE. I can't change my geographical location. I don't want to be the person who is so unhappy that no one wants to be with me. I really don't want to be that unhappy!! I just need the spiritual warfare to come up around me and keep guard while my heart is so faint, so weak. Prayers to claim this home for His glory. That the dreams we have of it being a place of refuge and common ground to bring people into a place of rest and restoration would begin to be put into action. That He would begin to show me my purpose for being here...because Mark's calling is clear, and he IS content (except for where he's concerned for me) and I know that it hurts him thinking that HE is "not enough" - but it's really ME that needs to be changed. That my independent nature would begin to depend on him in ways I've not been able to because of his work before. That we would begin to see "couples friendships" bloom (cause I miss our Thursday night date nights with Howie and Lori). That God would bring "Lori's" into my life (Mark always joked because the 3 women I spent the most time with were "Lori, Lori, and Laura" - so if I was talking to any of them on the phone, or at church, I had to really clarify WHO it was I was talking with.).
I also need to learn to let go of these kids again, and grandkids. Having a bunch of them living with us was a joy, and it was hard to "let" them move out into their own place (so we could list the house), and now with us moving, not even getting to see them on a weekend, or all month long, is really hard...and seeing all those "first times" with one grandson that lived with us - and being so much farther from the newer grandson as he makes those "first time" memories...it's just hard.
And my heart needs to be enlarged - to love on "the least of these" the way I did. Kids. Grown ups. The way Jesus loves. Without borders or boundaries.
And there's a small part of me that is just seeking and sensing that I'm maybe taking a season to just pull in REALLY hard to Him. To Jesus. That maybe this may end up being a season where the loneliness draws deep from HIS well. That He will pour into me, through me. Restore me. That maybe this is so hard because I'm a little empty. Perhaps the good teaching and fellowship and ministry that I had was so good that I got lazy in drawing deep from Him. From THE Source.
So to be at this place of desperation, of heart - sobbing - gut - wrenching cries will grow me in new ways. To be more dependent on HIM (through Mark?), to be more trusting of Him in prayer, to be more open and vulnerable in my writing - because it's easy to encourage when you are in the Promised Land - and OH so hard to write at all when you are in the valley of loneliness.
But I trust Him. One. Foot. In. Front. Of. The. Other.
(the thing that spawned all these words was the post from incourage.me this morning - and I replied there with this:
"I miss a place that holds just a few year's worth of friendships and ministry's I was up to my eyeballs in - and it was really HOME. It was a Promised Land after 40 years in the desert. We landed and got put to work. BOOM! People had prayed for 3 years for "us" to come and fill spots that needed filling. It was a perfect match.
Now we're in a much better job space for my husband, a great career (and life) move for him. After 20 years of working nearly every weekend (and often 7 days a week!!) he is home weekends. Nearly. Every. Weekend. The trade off is that he is often out of town for 3 days a week. He loves his job. He loves me too, but for that workaholic this is a dream.
We are learning all over again. How to communicate. How to tolerate. How to break into a new routine. But I'm doing it all without a kindred spirit in sight. It's only been a few weeks, but I'm already.so.empty. I could stay in bed and sleep the day away. My poor dog beckons me to take her outside to walk, to play - after a few weeks in the apartment that's HER new routine. Now there's a yard to let her out in, and I'm finding it hard to get out of my pj's on this first Monday here. Boxes beckon to be unpacked - but I'm forcing myself away from the computer and stepping into the bath to get cleaned up. To live the abundant, fruitful life that I desire. Well, that I've lived before. Breathed. That God born through me.
If I could just pull myself off this bed.... (I'm going, I'm going...)" )