Marina's Kitchen Table

Pregnant with PRAYER....

2012-01-27T22:15:00.000-06:00

No, I'm not pregnant silly. Geesh.

I've been helping out the Pray 4 Tunisia site by recording a series of interviews with a dear friend on how to get a "prayer movement" going. Well, at least how to start praying for Tunisia. So, it's been on my mind a lot...coming up with questions, things to ask my friend via Skype - while she records it - and then (hopefully) people will listen to it on the web site and want to find prayer partners in their churches and pray for Tunisia too! Or another country/people group/ministry that needs prayer. :)

So, I've always been a prayer warrior - and yet - in the midst of this project I'm finding out 2 things:

1. I feel incredibly humbled to be a part of this.
2. I feel the need to pray more!

I guess a 3rd thing is the reality that God's given me some of the most amazing friends. I. am. in. awe.

truly. blessed.

So, prayers appreciated on the project...and please go to the website - get signed up for the daily updates - and join in prayer (and fasting on Monday's if you choose) as we pray for Tunisia!!

http://pray4tunisia.com

<3

The "C" word adventure...

2012-01-25T15:30:00.000-06:00

Oh, yes. Cancer.

No one ever, ever, ever wants to "hear" it in a diagnosis. (ever!). But I did. I expected it from a mole removal last week - the doctor just stepped out and said "I expect that this will come back as Basal Cell Carcinoma" - but we didn't expect that the sample would tell that she didn't get it all. UGH.

So that's the call I got yesterday. Yes, it's basal cell, but it's larger than the sample of skin that was taken (about a dime size patch) and I get to go have a consultation with a plastic surgeon (yipes - another hard swallow) to talk about how he'll remove the rest of it. But not for another few weeks. sigh.

So, things going through my head...this is not what I expected. I know that I have an "unhealthy addiction to the sun", grew up in Southern CA in the 60's (well before the word "sunscreen" was around) and spent years where I'd be on the beach every. single. day. We were the "baby oil generation" and I honestly thought that my darker-than-the-average-person Armenian skin was stronger than skin cancer. How foolish of me to have thought that. I didn't use my head. My mistake. And even though I haven't gone to a tanning bed in years, and really don't "lay out and work on my tan" any more, I haven't tried to BLOCK the sun from my skin. How in the world will I do that?? I LOVE the feeling of the sun on my face, my back, my shoulders... UGH. I'm sure that this scar - the dime size growing to ??? will be a constant reminder to provide covering - at least some - and to be oh-so-careful with others...and although I can't imagine ever becoming an advocate of sunscreen, I can suggest covering of clothing, shade, or just staying inside during the heat of the afternoon - or limiting the exposure to the sun. Not just for me, but for my friends' and their kids too.

One thing that will continue is encouraging others to NOT USE TANNING BEDS. I don't remember ever getting burned in one - and I'm sure that this spot of skin (and others that are sure to come up over the rest of my life) are from the blistering burns that occurred when I was little, playing in the waters of Encinitas during the summer, and waking up with crusty blisters popped on my face and shoulders. Oh, if only....I don't even know....if only what?? If only we had sunscreen back then? If only my parents kept me out of the sun? If only I believed the media, articles, statistics that said "just say NO to tanning"? If only I didn't try the tanning machines that came out and took the time factor out of that dark tan? If only I used my brain? If only I had gone sooner to get this ONE mole checked out (how many more are there on my body that need to be checked out, removed, slid under a microscope to identify?? If only.... would I take it all back??

But that's not my "adventure" - mine will be one of gratefulness. humility.

See, I've not had breast cancer - when the chance was that I could, given family history and circumstance. I haven't survived Stage 4 Colon Cancer, like my much younger girlfriend - whose prognosis is now "cancer....??? what cancer???", and I'm not even facing the much more scary "C" words that creep from doctor's mouths when they do skin biopsies....like MELANOMA, or SQUAMOUS Cell.... so this is my custom adventure from God...and I'll trust Him to pack my bags for it...and I'm pretty certain my bag will have sunscreen in it......

Welcome to my journey....
marina

Flu Season....

2012-01-21T21:43:00.001-06:00

Some of you may have been aware that Mark and I have been doing the Daniel Fast for the past few weeks. We had each chosen different things in our lives to focus on, for insight or spiritual breakthrough. We didn't want to talk about it (except with a few friends who have been praying for us), and now that it's coming to an end (Monday is our last day) I'm starting to feel things and want to share them. I'll save that for another day - but wanted to say - I never expected to feel so sick! Not sick because of the food, but just attacked by flu bugs!

I would have thought that eating according to Daniel's fast in Daniel 10:2-3, I'd feel super healthy, but with our grandkids coming to live with us they brought a flu bug - and we all got it (except Mark, who is rarely ill and works so much that he wasn't handling sick kids at all). Then this morning, I woke up with ANOTHER round of the flu!! CRAZY!

All in all, the way to eat is wonderful! If it were a diet, and not a fast, it would be really stringent, and I wouldn't be able to adhere to it. But keeping in mind that it was "just 21 days", that it was for spiritual insight (and not to lose weight, although I did), and that it wasn't for me to judge on - I was to DO it according to my convictions as God led me, made it much easier.

So, if I was eating so healthy, why have I gotten so sick - 2 times within the 21 days? Well, I believe spiritual warfare; Satan knew that I had petitioned God for a few things and was looking for answers. I don't know what those answers are yet, but I trust Him to provide them in His timing.

Today was the hardest...getting nearly dehydrated, and feeling crummy, I really wanted to fall back on the normal "when I'm sick" diet of chicken broth and soda crackers, and that was NOT allowed on the Daniel Fast! When I was ill a few weeks ago, Mark encouraged me to consider breaking the fast till I felt better, but I knew I needed to follow through with it till the end. Now, just 2 days before finishing it, he let me know again that if I needed to go off of the restrictions to get healthy again, that it was ok with him. I really prayed about it, and drew in to God for wisdom and strength. I know that HE would honor whatever I decided, but I really wanted to finish strong and see it to the end. HE allowed me to get ill, and so HE knew what I would be facing. Because I was tired, sick and hungry, my mind was thinking beyond the soda crackers and broth. My mind was craving other things, and mostly the freedom to eat whatever I wanted to eat - whether it was healthy for me or not.

So I settled on starting with 1/2 banana (after keeping a little water in me), then making a smoothie with peaches and the other half of the banana. Mark helped and put baking potatoes in the oven, and I'll have one of those in just a little bit. No, I won't top it with butter and cheese and bacon bits (maybe next time), but will keep it simple and mild and plain...better for my healing body AND my fasting body.

Was it that big of a deal - no, not really. The big deal is that I have now experienced temptation, called on God to help me through it, and will be able to do that in the future too, remembering how He assisted me in a time of trial. Little lessons to keep in my heart/head file. I can JUST SAY NO, no matter what the situation is...like a bowl of ice cream, or a second piece of pie....

A change in the season...

2012-01-13T10:57:00.001-06:00

Where it felt SO WARM last week, today I'm hunkered in bed, recovering from the stomach flu that kept me up all last night (shared by my grands), and ignoring the bitter cold and snow outside. BRRRR. I'm just sorta glad that there's not enough snow to play in, since it's really too cold to take little hands out there.

We're finishing up the first week with my daughter, son in law, and 4 grandkids living with us! I know that we're still in the "honeymoon phase" and we all have patience with the dirty dishes in the sink, toys on the floor (which do disappear quickly, I'm proud to say), kids getting adjusted to schedules, parents unpacking, and us still packing up to make more room for them. It's ALL good! I even love the little middle of the night cries from my newborn grandson!! They let me know that he's ok, wanting attention (and getting it) from his momma, as they cuddle in the living room for a late night feeding. Sigh.

I think that the biggest challenge will be with our dog Abbey, and her food and water and dog pen that she calls "home base". My youngest grand girl seems to think that they are pretty cool things! So a few times we've found her backed into the dog pen, peering out through the grates, or she's creating a concoction of Abbey's dog food and water (till both sides are all mixed up!) and we check in her mouth to be sure that she's not sampling the food (she's not).

I loved the day we got to go walking our neighborhood, before the cold hit. It was delightful! I can hold on to that memory and plan many other outings like this! What fun it will be, in the midst of summer, to take a late afternoon stroll with the kids...hand in hand in hand....

In the "dead of winter" what do you hold on to, helping you to look for spring's promise?? Whether it's planning the garden, looking at flower catalogs, looking back to last summer's activities or next summer's vacation, I pray that they give you the hope and joy of what lies ahead, to hold on to God in the bitter cold of this winter....

Weather and DaySpring Blesses me this week...

2012-01-08T22:07:00.000-06:00

If only it were spring!! The past few days have been UNSEASONABLY warm, just delightful, sunny and in the 50's and 60's! Today I woke up to overcast, and although the thermometer said "50*" on it, it didn't feel it at all. What a difference that sunshine makes!!

Alas, I have to remember, it's only mid-January - and there's a LOT of winter left in the season. Still, I'm grateful for the weather change, and feel that God planned it JUST for me; to lift my mood, let me relish in some vitamin D, and enjoy a break from the cold and dreary. He is SO good!!

I had another little bright moment this week: I was sent a stack of DaySpring greeting cards to try out! I requested the set from Holley Gerth (there were several selections, and we got to do a first and second selection - Holley was my first choice!!). I LOVE them!! Her writing is such a blessing to me (even if I'm not in her age group!) and I love that her cards have meaningful words on them - so if I'm tongue tied they will still be a blessing (believe it or not, I do come up short on words sometimes!!). I also LOVE the bright colors and artwork on them, and many of them are nice enough to frame as pictures, or use as book marks, and some of them even look like they were handmade (how do they do that?). Precious!

I've got a list of people I want to send a card to...even though I sent out Christmas cards this year, I think it's special to send out cards "just because"....and I've got plenty of people who have blessed me already this year with their prayers and encouragement!

<3

Thoughts on the New Year 2012

2011-12-30T08:22:00.001-06:00

Perhaps I should title this "Thoughts on Ending 2011" but I'm choosing to look forward, since it's occupied a lot of my prayer time lately...

Well, ok - I'll give a quick recap of a few of the highlights...

Mark and I went to FL for a brief run away from the cold of winter in January - it was still cool on the Gulf, but it was fun to get away for a unplanned vacation. We loved the blue waters, white sand dunes, and the drive together.

We made several trips to Pittsburgh, PA to visit our daughter Melissa, her husband Ryan, and our last visit welcomed a little brother to the 3 grandgirls we have there! They've recently felt led to change the direction of their life, from youth ministry here to working with youth in El Salvador. (more on this later)

We had the joy, and the sadness of our daughter Jessica's first pregnancy this spring. Little baby Rodenbaugh went to heaven very early in life, and it is still heartbreaking to all of us. God, in His kindness, answered my prayer for Jessica to be pregnant again before the first child's due date, and she is now due to have a baby boy in May. We are SO excited!!

Our son Jason was protected from death in the tornado in Joplin, as God held him at a friend's home when he should have been driving right into the tornadoes path. He also provided a good job for Jason, and got him plugged in to a good community of believers in a brand new city for him down in Louisiana! It's such an answer to prayer to see him mature in his faith, as a man of God, and to live on his own. YAY for responsible living!

We took a few drives around our area to discover it and learn more about it. We still LOVE living in KY, and enjoy the diversity of the rivers, lakes, farmland, and hills.

With my volunteering at Crossroads Christian Church (Newburgh, IN) I have been able to assist Team Expansion in several ways and do some traveling: Cincinnati, OH for the North American Christian Convention, Atlanta, GA for the National Missionary Convention (now called the International Conference On Missions), and I also went on a Missionary Care trip to North Africa!

I've made lots of amazing friendships this past year, confirming more that God has us here for a reason. Mark leads our small group, I get to assist in the Women's Ministry, and we love being a part of God's community here. YAY!!

OH OK - the real reason for this post - the future!!

"I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future..."

Mark and I have been praying and planning on doing "The Daniel Fast" this next week. Most people start it on a Sunday - but because of Mark's work schedule - we'll start on Tuesday or Wednesday. This fast is not a total food fast, it is based on the way Daniel ate when he fasted, only fruits and vegetables, drinking only water, and no leavening (no bread!) in anything eaten that is ONLY whole grains. You can get the details of the fast at their web site: http://daniel-fast.com/ and if you sign up in her email updates, you can get the guidelines emailed to you for free! We have invested (around $10) for the book and will follow along the devotionals that she provides, and there's a whole section on preparation (what we're reading now) as well as a bunch of recipes.

As a part of this fast, we are setting spiritual goals that we are seeking God's intervention with. We're still praying about the finalizing of these things, but a few of them are for our future in work/ministry, and my hives. I'd really love for God to provide a spiritual breakthrough on them - it's been around 5 years now and I'm getting pretty weary of dealing with them. UGH. I know that He will reveal something to me about the cause of them and I look forward to the answer He provides to heal me.

I'm also asking for deliverance from the food addictions that I have - sweets/sugar (none are allowed on the fast - not even natural sweeteners like honey!), and fats (only plant based oils are allowed, and no fried foods). I know that we both eat out of stress, and both "struggle with our weight" too, but this is not our motivation for fasting. Rather I'm praying that He will cleanse us of our bad habits, our unhealthy attitudes on eating, and give us the motivation and will-power to lean hard on Him and break them all. I know that this is just a 21 day focus for us, but that the effects can last our lives.

Before the month ends (and more likely in the early part of the month) our daughter Melissa and her family will be moving in with us! Our little 1300 square foot house will have a total of 4 adults and 4 kids living in it! They will be here with us for sometime between 2 and 6 months, preparing to transition into a ministry in El Salvador! I'm excited to get to have the time with them before they go, to spend time with our grandkids and to be able to strengthen their relationship and see them "do church" with us for a season before they move...of course I'm praying for God's will in their life too!

I'm sure that Mark's been thinking of another winter get away - but I don't know what he has in mind this time around...he's always wanted to take a cruise...and it's been a LONG time since we've been to CA to see our friends and family there...so those are possibilities. I know that we're open to let God lead us on another mission trip - but think that it's Mark's turn, or we'll go together this time. I have NO idea where that might be...so God can surprise us there. :)

We're also continuing to pray about Mark asking for a position working overseas with the company that he works with. God has to work there to bring that to fruition, but we're aware that we might get to go somewhere that "missionaries" are not allowed, but Poultry Plant Engineers are.

We'll go wherever He wants us to, and trust Him to equip us in that journey!!

SO, those are some of my thoughts for this year. Discipline (I think) is my focus word. Whether it's writing, quilting, Bible study, or laundry and dishes, I desire to be more disciplined and intentional in my actions and reactions. I want to be a better encourager, and write notes to people I care about - handwrite if I can...email if I can't. I want to smile more, and complain less. I want to share God's love with more people who do not know Him as their Lord, Savior, Father, Friend. I want to hear them say "I believe that Jesus IS the Son of God..." and see the light of His love light up their face, for them to cry tears of the realization that He died for their sins...that He loves them THAT much...

Those are the things I hope for this year...

I invite you to (please) pray for me, for us, as we move forward in our walks with God. We know that the more we intend to do more with Jesus, the more Satan will fight back. We need prayer warriors around us to respond as God leads them to pray for us. By the time we post something, the battle may be over, but YOU can feel the prompting of the Holy Spirit and PRAY! YAY!! We appreciate those that pray for us in the same way I pray for others...if God brings you to my mind, I pray for you...whatever He leads...and if I don't know something in particular, I pray for peace, for strength, for you to feel Him at work in you, around you and through you....

Happy New Year friends...
My God Reigns...

marina

The Baby....

2011-12-23T12:00:00.001-06:00

OK, this SHOULD be about THE baby in the manger...Jesus...but I realized that I didn't ever post about the arrival of my grandson - a week ago now!! So first things first...

Little Man O arrived early Saturday morning, and mom and son are doing well. He has some issues with his tongue (the skin that attaches underneath it is too close up front, so he might need to get it clipped) and it initially caused some issues with nursing, but with God's grace it's working better now.

He is absolutely adorable!! His two oldest sisters A and E fell in love with him immediately, and "baby girl Z" is adapting fine.

Now, I'm back home (after over 3 weeks there!!) and trying to settle in. My house is a mess, my bags not unpacked, and my son is already here (he beat me by 3 days!). I brought the 2 oldest grandgirls home and passed them along to the "other grandma" already. It felt wonderful to sleep in my own bed (instead of the air mattress, which was really much better than I anticipated - thank You Lord!!), and shower in my own shower. I have laundry piles all over the bedroom, and a mess in the kitchen. A lot to do.

This moment, my house is empty - unless you count Abbey the Wonderdog and our long lost cat (that Jason has rescued) Dominoes. The only sound is Pandora on my laptop...Christmas songs from the Caedmon's Call Christmas station.

I woke up with the feeling impressed on my heart that today I would make sure that everything is prepared for Christmas. More than the house cleaning, unpacking, laundry, lack of decorations and needing to make menus (and shop) for the next week, I want to make sure that my heart and mind are prepared for Christmas.

I think it popped into my mind when I read of a friend's engagement announcement and remembered that many people will spend much time preparing for a wedding, and little time preparing for the marriage.

I want to prepare for the marriage...Jesus to His bride, the church. For me, this celebration of Christmas is a part of that. It's not about the presents, it's about His Presence. Not about the gifts, but HIS Gift. Not about the things we get, but the one thing we can give others to make a difference in their eternity. Sharing Jesus with the world...I want my life to reflect that in every area.

I know that I have a LONG way to get it "right" - but I want to intentionally allow Him to change me. Yes, Lord, change me!

May we have opportunities to impact others' lives for Jesus, and take advantage of them, over the coming year....

Grace and peace...
marina

My thoughts on Christmas and Santa...

2011-12-20T15:07:00.003-06:00

Every year this comes up...and my stance stays the same. I was raised in a home that "did Santa" - and didn't do Jesus at all - so as a new believer in Jesus (30 some years ago!!) this was something that had to be rectified....to "do Santa" or to NOT "do Santa" in my own family.

To me, it clearly became a thought of "truth" or "lies", and there is a very real story behind Santa Clause, but to me, it's not enough to lie about his presence on Christmas. So I chose then, and have chosen still, to not "do Santa".

Call me a kill joy, but really, with getting married, raising kids, seeing them grow and marry and have their own families - it's continued on. We've given them the freedom to make the choice with their own kids, and so far, they are not doing Santa either.

I'm closing with a post that I wrote in response to a post on (in)courage's blog for today...about Santa and Christmas. I encourage you to check it out, as it tells her story of changing from a "Santa" house to a "non-Santa" house. Here are my thoughts....

"We never “did” Santa with our kids, and always focused on a Happy Birthday Jesus theme for the holidays, to the point of doing service projects that day as the kids grew up. Our reason – honesty. We never wanted the kids to remember the lie of Santa (or that it’s ok to lie about anything!) and that Jesus is ENOUGH reason to celebrate. Oddly enough, it was our unbelieving parents that protested “not getting to do Santa” with their grandkids. We dug our heels in deep.

We realize that others, even other Christians, choose to celebrate with Santa – and the “real” Saint Nicholas WAS a wonderful man of generosity….so we shared the real story of why he is included in the holiday.

Having grown, married kids now, we were curious what they would do with their own kids…so far they are choosing to do no Santa with their kids! They appreciate that we respect their freedom to create Christmas to be the way they want to make it for their kids, but also love the fact that we don’t over indulge them, keep it realistic on the financial meter, and can make memories together without all the consumerism.

It’s a day about a baby, savior of the world, born in a manger…the simplest of circumstances…we can celebrate in many ways to honor Him, to show appreciation to God for giving us a Savior, to make memories that generations to come can reflect on in truth and wonder of a REALLY amazing time…the manger, the savior, the stars, shepherds, angels…THESE are the things of Christmas….

(ps- check out the website for The Advent Conspiracy for ideas and reasons to do Christmas “differently” this year, and in the future. NOW is the time to lay the groundwork for your families future Christmas’ Celebrations…talk at the table and commit to changing things next year. Ask how much debt they racked up this Christmas – or ask in January when the bills are coming in! – and commit to doing a debt-free Christmas – with or without Santa!!)"

awaiting the babe...

2011-12-17T03:06:00.001-06:00

OK, it's nearly Christmas, and we are all focused on (or SHOULD be focused on) the baby in the manger....but tonight, we're focused on the baby that should arrive today (Saturday) that's around 10 days late...my new grandson. :)

Mom and dad are at the hospital, while I'm waiting at the house with sleeping sisters (I should be sleeping too...but am just too excited!). I know if I don't get some sleep I'll be a mean ol' grouch when sisters wake up (in just a few hours!! YIPES!!)

Off to bed I go...with prayers on my lips for a continued safe delivery into the world - for mom and baby...

good morning...good night...whatever it is!!

<3

10 Days before...

2011-12-15T06:28:00.001-06:00

A year ago, 10 days before Christmas, I'd have my menu and shopping list made out, stuck to my refrigerator with a magnet, along with a list of all the Christmas cookies that had to be made (and another list of who would receive them!).

A year ago, 10 days before Christmas, my husband Mark and I would be comparing notes, and figuring who would be here this year to join us at our Christmas table.

A year ago, 10 days before Christmas, I'd have my calendar in plain view, with places to go and people to see, and maybe even reminders of when my favorite Christmas programs would be on tv.

A year ago, 10 days before Christmas, I'd have already seen our church Christmas program, been moved to tears by memories of songs I'd not heard sung so powerfully; or moved to tears by the sheer memory of how dear these familiar songs are to me.

A year ago, 10 days before Christmas, my home would be collecting dust on all the greenery, my Christmas lights wrapped in tulle in the windows would be glowing each night, and it would seem that these special decorations are always a part of my home decor.

But this year is different.

10 days before Christmas, I'm sleeping in the attic room on an air mattress at my daughter's house in Pittsburgh, PA. My husband is at home, and no decorations are up. We are 8 hours drive away from each other. We spent last week together, here in Pittsburgh, hoping that she would have given birth to their little boy nearer to her due date. But he hasn't arrived, and she isn't ready, so I'm still hanging out here to help with the other 3 kids (4 and under), and Christmas is sort of - well - on hold? I don't really know what Christmas is this year, or where it fits in. I know that our son and other daughter and her husband are due to come to our home for some time there, and Christmas dinner is supposed to be shared with them, but I don't even know!

Christmas goodies have been made here, by my daughter and her husband, to give to their friends here. We've walked around the mall a hundred times, let the kids ride on the little train near Santa's workshop there, and they went for a drive last night to ooooh and aaaaah over the Christmas lights around the city.

There is a chance she may be induced this weekend, a chance the baby will arrive sooner than that, but we don't know for sure...and I have no idea when it is that I'm supposed to leave to go home. I guess we need to talk about this.

So 10 days before Christmas, I'm in a mindset I've not ever been before, and am trying - DESPERATELY trying - to find Christmas in my heart - in the place that Christmas can be every day of the year....

Remembering the first year I was a Christian at Christmas, and just NOW remembering an essay I wrote years ago that captured it...

"When I first became a Christian, years ago in Seal Beach, CA, it was as if I saw the entire Christmas season through new eyes. My senses were keenly aware of the importance of this time...to think of a girl, pregnant for the first time, carrying the Messiah, and facing the ridicule of an unplanned pregnancy in the eyes of the public. To imagine the awesomeness of the shepherd's interaction with the angels, in the stillness of the night, all the "choirs of angels" and their fullness of joy as they pronounced the arrival of the King!

It all came to my emotional finality in the quietness of midnight on Christmas Eve. Although we had lived in the same neighborhood for several years, things happened that I had not ever noticed before. Was I oblivious to it out of my spiritual ignorance, or was it something that God created just for me? I believe it was a little of both, instrumented in His glory as a gift to me.

It was a late night, and for some reason I could not sleep. It was mild weather, normal for December in Southern California, so the bedroom windows were open, and the sound of the ocean's waves crashed rhythmically on the shore. Not noticing time or space, I rose out of bed and sat on the balcony, overlooking the stillness of the town, the greenway park empty, yet lit up by the street lights all down the road. Then, as if out of no where, the sound of carols being played by church bells rang throughout the town! From midnight on, song after song, I don't even know how long it lasted, the carols sang out, proclaiming the King's birth!

It was as if each melody drew out from my heart the lyrics, making them real to me for the very first time! I cried at the proclamation of Jesus' birth! Rejoice! Emmanuel!! He has come!!

Now I live in Southwest Missouri, and I'm far from the sound of the ocean's waves or the little church down the road that had the Christmas bells in their steeple. Sometimes I can see the wind blowing the fields of grass and it mimics the ocean's currents, or I can imagine the sound of the waves breaking on the shore on crisp, cold, winter nights, with no water in sight. Yet Christmas season is always a time of miracles as I remember back to my first "real" Christmas, and the special gift that God gave to me that night. "

I'm not living in MO any more, and Christmas looks different in KY, and even here in Pittsburgh, but the heart of Christmas is the same. The songs of rejoicing still ring true in my heart, even if the steps to prepare are very different.

And I'm sure that 10 days before Christmas will look very different too...but no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, I can stop. pause. and reflect at how wonderful this indescribable gift of Jesus needs to be unwrapped in my heart...

not just 10 days before Christmas, but actually, every day of the year...

PS - my afterthought: so...as I was blogging this morning...it occurs to me: I know many people around the world where they have to prepare for Christmas in many other "different" ways, and things don't look/feel/smell/taste the same to them...they don't get to be with the ones that they love to be around (even if they are with others that they do love)....and they have to create new ways to prepare their hearts for "the most wonderful time of the year" when there may not even be lights on trees or houses, or Christmas parties to attend, or can't even mention Jesus' birth...so my pity party ended abruptly...and although it may not feel like Christmas in my circumstances, I NEED to make it Christmas in my ♥ , and that's not about where I am geographically, but where I am spiritually - and I want to be in THAT place...so I'm praying for "all those other friends" and remembering their needs this morning...

busy as a bee hive...well...

2011-11-08T14:36:00.000-06:00

I'm as busy as a bee...but the hive part of it is really to reference my battle with hives. If you've followed my journey for any length of time, you know I've had idiopathic hives (which means that the dr can't figure out why i get them) for about 5 years now. I test barely allergic to grass pollen and weed pollen, but nothing else according to their tests. I know I'm sensitive to things like shampoo, detergents, perfumes, hairspray, other soaps (dishwashing, hand soap, especially anything antibacterial), other hair care products (especially "thickening" things that have polymers in them), and sometimes I think foods bother my intestines too. Not all of these things cause me to have hives; sometimes my throat closes up or I feel like I'm having an asthma attack (although I tested fine and don't have asthma per the allergist - but my personal md treated me for asthma all winter long, and it helped - well, I think it did!).

Sometimes my hives will be on my wrists, on the inside, where the skin is thinner - it will start itching before I even see anything, and the lymph nodes under the surface will swell up, not a normal topical reaction. Sometimes I will get them in the palm of my hand/s. Usually, if it's on my hands, feet or legs, it's a mirror response - either both sides break out at the same time, or after one side is done breaking out the other side will start. They don't have to be in contact with whatever is causing it at all!! One time, while sitting at my computer, the outside of my thigh started breaking out with welts, a normal hive response, and then the other side started on the outside of my thigh!! It was weird. : P

Often times, especially in the evenings, I will break out in my scalp, at the base of my neck. The lymph system will swell there too, but often a "normal" hive will travel down my spine to my lower back (or it will start there and travel up!). The "normal" ones will be raised welts and itch like crazy.

I was taking Lodrane last spring, and it worked wonderfully to control them, but FDA removed it from the market after I had been on it a few months. Not fun. It was the first time I could take something without it leaving me with the drugged feeling for the following day. I'm so bummed. :(

I found out about a drug study going on in my area, for people with hives. A new medication. However, for me to participate in the study I have to take 2 out of 3 drug classes on a daily basis. One of them is an antihistamine - like the Zyrtec I take - but I only take it when I absolutely have to - because of the way it leaves me feeling - medicine head for days!! The other drug would either be something like Singulair (which I took daily all last winter to aid my asthma like symptoms) or another type of drug that was for stomach stuff ... I can't recall the class of drug, but know it's available over the counter for gastric stuff - which I have no reason to really take, but wouldn't hurt me. I just can't imagine taking the Zyrtec every day, even the child's dose (which is what I take) because of the way it leaves me feeling - even if I only take it at bedtime...I wake up foggy brained in the morning.

So, in the midst of researching all this, I found out that the hospital my dr is associated with (St Mary's) has a site for Complementary and Alternative Medicines, and hives was one of the things that was in their directory....so I looked it up. It stated that there were very early studies, with not really conclusive results, that showed that SOME people with hives lack a certain acid level to break down meats, and they thought that might have something to do with their hives. They gave several vitamin and supplement levels to take to assist with it - but again - it wasn't found conclusive for everyone, so it had a very low success rating (and of course, consult with your dr before trying anything...).

This brought me back to a time that I was reading about "Eat Right For Your Blood Type" back in the 90's when I was going through stomach stuff with what the dr in MO diagnosed IBS....but later they removed my gall bladder...so who knows what it was. So I went online last night and found a website that gave information on my type blood (A+) and dietary suggestions based on this doctor's findings. The site is here for "A" type blood folks like me: http://www.dadamo.com/bloodtype_A.htm

Now, as I told my husband last night, and he TOTALY agreed with me, I wouldn't take so seriously what the Dr. says about diet, if he didn't peg my personality and lifestyle needs so perfectly!! WHO would ever think that these would be blood type things?? And in Japan they take it so seriously that they will ask you your blood type in dating? or a job interview?? Crazy!! He mentions the same lack of acid in the/my stomach that aids in breaking down meat/protein and also other things that affect it. I ate vegetarian early in my adult life, and although I was healthy in EATING, I was unhealthy in every other area of my life! It was before I knew Jesus...so it was when I was in the midst of "sex, drugs 'n rock and roll" lifestyle. LOL How foolish of me to eat healthy, but drink every night, do drugs (natural and chemical) and be so messed up in my lifestyle discipline....it was the current society that accepted it, and it was (more or less) preached at home to live this way. We had no authority, no respect for any authority, and it showed in our personal habits.

But now, what he says in the book (or on this site) about my "personality type" is pretty true to my nature through and through, and whether it's nature or nurture, God created me this way!! SO, I'm going to give this a try, and see if it helps in my health, my hives, my weight (couldn't hurt!!) and just life in general. I would way rather control the way I eat than have to be on medications the rest of my life!! :)

SO, thank You God, for the creative way you stir the medical minds, created us to be, and offer options and lead us in new thinking ways for new reasons. I trust YOU to remove my hives, and ask that You will make me disciplined to break my addictions to sugar, fat, and anything else not good for me. Help me to draw deep from Your well, to make my body run optimally the way You created it. You are my source for Light, Life and health... and I love You for it God!! <3

late night thoughts...

2011-11-04T00:32:00.000-05:00

WOW, what a week. since coming back to the U.S. i've thought of things that happened in North Africa, and tried to figure out why i wasn't longing to be back there...i fully expected to leave a part of my heart there, and knew it would be "common" to think that "this is the place God wants me to be" - but it never happened. i love the field, love the people working there, the people living there. i know the needs - the short window of time to get work done there, to spread the gospel, to tell others about Jesus. i know it all, but it doesn't click. the passion for Jesus is there, but the passion for that place is not. He wants me to stay here (or somewhere else that He hasn't shown me yet).

so, content with being here, i'm totally shocked with the doors He's opening in my life. i've never felt so driven and bold to walk in discipline. i know it's all about the love, grace, mercy - but for me - right now it's all about being obedient. not in a "hell, fire and damnation" kind of way - but in a "God said it so i'm going to live it" way. i want to speak truth (in love), walk straight forward and cut to the chase in teaching. don't make it watered down and easy to swallow - i want to hear it straight from the Bible - the words that Jesus spoke or others wrote unapologetically - and let them seer my ears, and burn into my heart and mind. i want to write them on the doorposts of my house, and want to declare myself a bond-servant of Jesus Christ; willingly putting myself in a posture of servanthood to Him and His purposes.

how brave of me.

and then i crumble, from this place forward. i cry for a friend who has lost a child, too young to be born. i cry for the daughter's of another friend as she battles cancer at too young an age. i cry for my own memories and HIStory that has too many times that i've stepped away from Him, my battered mind and body not understanding the true love of His that He gives me freely, His mercies new every morning.

i read, re-read, try to memorize His words, think on things worthy of thought, and struggle with the thought that He chose me to do His will. i am mesmerized by the thought of a love so strong that it captures my actions and thoughts in my own dreams. how can He love like this, and how can i learn to love like He loves. with abandon.

sigh. i pray that others get it. that this oddity, this boldness that i don't want to come off as self-confidence but only confidence in Him, that in my weakness He is made strong, is only Christ in me. weak little me. uncoordinated and unloved for so long me. ungifted before He gifted me, me. that my purpose in life was not to be a great thinker, a great writer or a great artist, but a great follower. a great servant. i want to be the soft clay that can be made into other things as He wills, over and over again. i want to be the worker in the fields ripe with wheat, whether the field is in my back yard, or the world wide web.

i don't want to speak (or write) words that make others THINK. i want to speak and write words that make people GO and DO. i want to go and do too...carrying the banner...

i want to hate sin, even in my own life, my own mind, my own body - and yet love the sinner - even if it's me. i want to be an instrument of peace, not political peace, but peace of mind for the restless, holding their hand as they reach out to touch the hem of the garment that my Savior wears. i want to believe, and rest in the knowledge that HE LIVES. i want to sing myself to sleep with the words of great hymns, instilling peace in my heart, my mind, my soul.

is this what He wants? i want to know that. so Jesus, make my steps Your steps, make my words Your own. Own me. push all of me out, until i only care about the things You do. only love like You love. only see like You see. let me hear the cries of those that You have a broken heart for, and let my heart break for them too.

consume me God. burn within me. wash over me. sing through me.

regarding prayer...from Faith Barista Bonnie Gray's challenge...

2011-10-28T08:30:00.001-05:00

mmmmm....so sweet.

i LOVE praying! alone, together, on my knees, or in a large group...with words in my heart or floating around my ears - my own or others...love to be a part of it.

praying comes easy for me - i love to talk - so don't use flowery words and "Christian-ese" language - just talk to God. He IS my FATHER...and He understands my heart (even when it's broken), my mind (even when it's pre-occupied) and my physical needs (even when they are great). He knows my silences...and i'm grateful that it's ok to "be still and know that He is God". He loves me, and wants to hear from me. i want to walk with Him in every area of my life!!

a partner in ministry and i began to meet at the start of summer one night a week, for one hour, to pray for others - the global community of workers sharing the gospel of Jesus abroad. for missionaries, unreached people groups, and for others who would be passionate to come and pray about these things with us. i love seeing who He leads to join us each week! i'm ALWAYS amazed at how quickly that time flies by!!

in some areas of Christian work, we see a lot of hurt and loneliness in worker's lives....the problem - the inability to join together and pray in agreement. to do spiritual warfare against the common enemy. i'm praying for these men and women and families to lay down their pride, their shame, and be willing to lift each other up in prayer!! my prayers for them can only go so far....so i'm praying that they will put on their armor and do battle, that HE will equip them to do it, and lead them in prayer!

i think that one of my most motivational prayer resources has been "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian (all her books are good, but this was my first one years ago). i LOVE how she states at the start - we have no right to pray for God to change our husbands unless we are willing to ask God to change us too - that has become a part of my foundational prayer in MANY sessions - "God, change me; change "them", or change the circumstances" - and He always answers that prayer (can you guess who gets changed most?).

a book sitting on my desktop waiting to be read is "And The Place Was Shaken" on leading prayer groups...i've heard good things about it!

my favorite thing to do- when someone says "would you pray for me..." i will stop right then, and pray for them! often they are caught off guard - they don't want to BE praying but want the benefit of prayer - but it's a good thing to do! you get the benefit of leading someone else into a time of prayer (perhaps they have never prayed with another person, out LOUD?!) and God is glorified through our act of praying - coming into His presence (good for all of us!!) and we may get to play a part of seeing an answer to prayer.

some good ideas for prayer, from my youth group leading days:

P - praise God for who He is!! use scripture to define His attributes, His character.

R - remember what He has done! scripture is great to focus on, but it may be something recent too. also remember what WE have done - do we need to confess anything to Him, to clear the air?

A - ask - is there something we are requesting from Him??

Y- yield to Him...this might be in quiet, silence, listening to hear His quiet voice speak something to us.

it doesn't have to be long, flowery, or in detail - all we may be able to pray is, "God, i don't know what to say - but i love you and trust you, and ask that Your will would be done in this situation..."

thanks for sharing Bonnie...you can bet i'm getting off of here and getting into some serious prayer time...

grace and peace (and prayer...)
marina

Pseudo blogging

2011-10-27T10:03:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago, as I was preparing to leave for North Africa, I thought that I'd indulge in a new blog site to capture my trip on. I had done the same thing when Mark and I went to China a few years ago (http://mnmgo2.blogspot.com) and I found it an easy way to document our journey and keep up on things day to day (or every few days). I thought it would be a blessing to share it this same way, and started "Marina Goes To..." to chronicle the journey.

Well, it hasn't worked as well as I'd planned. Right off the gate, internet access was not as easy, ready, fast or free as what we had in China (mostly because in North Africa we moved around so much, and none of it was really good service). Part of it too was that I didn't bring a laptop along, but used my iPad - a great tool, but a pain to get photos uploaded and then inserted into the Google system I am used to using - and with the slow speeds on the internet it was really impossible to get them uploaded at all. :( So, I've not done a great job on EITHER blog for a few weeks - but am hoping that this will all be corrected soon enough...starting now. :)

I hope that you'll join in on our travel blogs. I'll post more on the latest trip when I'm done processing it all, and once we've given our Team Trip Reflections a week from Sunday at church...I have a little fear that if I tell ALL about the trip before then, no one will show up for the Reflections!! : P

SO come and join us, and keep checking into the blogs to see the newer material to learn about our experiences...and trust me that next time, I'll likely just post about it here from the start...

Grace and peace,
marina

(in)spired deals by DaySpring = an amazing book!!

2011-10-12T19:49:00.000-05:00

Have you seen the recordable storybooks, where the parent (or grandparent) can record their own voice reading a story to their child (or grandchild)? Last winter we got one to give to our grandgirls in PA, but wanted a storybook to convey the REAL meaning of Christmas, and could not find one, settling on another common storybook favorite.

I'm SO excited that now the line of books has expanded, and I've just received the title "God's Christmas Promise" through the (in)spired deals program through DaySpring.

The story is delightful, telling a simple version of the Bible's history of Jesus' birth. The illustrations are soft and muted and precious...just like a DaySpring Christmas Card!

I'm really excited to get to record and give this storybook to my granddaughter's, who will move out of country in the next few years to continue the mission work their parents are called to. I know that for now it's just a storybook they will fight over, but KNOW that in the coming years, it will still be a well loved connection between our grandgirls and us. I can't wait to record it with my husband, and give it to them at Christmas...guess I'm glad that my daughter doesn't read my blog!! :)

I am prayerfully excited to be leaving soon for my own journey - and ask that you follow along from my new blogsite at "marina goes to..." to read up on the coming week's travels. It won't be a prayer post, but more the geography and experiences that we have. If you read between the lines, I'm sure you'll find things to pray for us!!

Blessings,
marina

new blog for this journey...

2011-10-11T23:43:00.000-05:00

I'm starting a new blog, so I can divide my life into the categories of what I'm thinking, doing, learning, and this amazing journey I'm about to embark on.

If you would like, please join me at http://marinagoesto.blogspot.com and follow my trips - this first one to North Africa...

I appreciate your continued prayers, and hope that we remain in connectivity so I'll be able to post along the way...

grace and peace,
marina

Ah...the Garden...

2011-10-03T07:25:00.000-05:00

In response to a favorite blogger's challenge - Faith Barista Bonnie Gray - has given, I'm going to post here daily, in addition to whatever else God leads me to blog about...

Today's topic was which of the 3 habitats that God originally created for us to find, am I longing for most TODAY:

a garden (beauty)

relationship (community)

1-1 friendship with Him (intimacy)

In my life, God has blessed me ABUNDANTLY with COMMUNITY (especially when I compare it to the 19 years I spent wandering in the Ozarks). In preparing for my upcoming trip, I have been surrounded by opportunities and challenges to draw nearer to Him, so my INTIMACY is not lacking (and in His perfect timing, we started a new series of teaching in church, on Intimacy With God!). But, OH, the Garden in my life is lacking...and even though it excites me to see the cool-ness of fall temps coaxing out the colors of fall... I'm too busy to enjoy them...to soak them in... I need a garden...so below is the response I put on her page...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OH - a GARDEN - literally - not "just beauty".

Two things that draw me into intimacy with God...
1. WATER (i.e.: ocean, lake, river, creek, rain, fountain, bathtub..)
2. GARDEN (i.e.: rich dark dirt, laden with worms, flowers, trees, privacy, or anything in the process of...)

I KNOW where the water is, and where it's not. My local sources are the Ohio River, the pond at Audubon State Park, the fountain in my back yard (soon to be drained because of freezing temperatures), and my bathtub. I grew up near, and LOVE the Pacific Ocean, and I know where it resides - but it's reserved for very special days. My hubby treated me to a few days on the Gulf Coast last winter - a real splurge, and God has gone over and above all my expectations when a service trip scheduled to serve and assist our Global Workers in North Africa recently disclosed that (gasp) we'll be staying on the Mediterranean! CRAZY!! Again, a time that I thought that I was going to bless others will end up blessing and filling me!! Gosh, I love how He works that out!!

And then there's the GARDEN. My back yard is full of ...nothing. Soil - well, if you want to call it that....it's really tricky that way. It looks like clay, but when it gets wet, it becomes quicksand! SERIOUSLY!! I've had my foot stuck in it, and it sucked my shoe right off my foot!! Grass (that my Jack Russell Terrier, Abbey the Wonderdog, loves to dig in), which also hides the puddles - because, much to our dismay, the neighborhoods' water runs down the hill into our backyard, and across the back of it - it is worn down like a riverbed, and across the side fence - where the gate is, of course - and it becomes a small lake. Not the kind of lake that acts as a water feature and soothes the spirit. sigh.

When we bought the house we saw the floor plan we loved, and a backyard full of opportunities. We thought of the qualifiers, "You can't change the footprint of the house or the neighborhood", and failed to see that all the neighbors in back of us can see directly into our yard (they sit uphill from us), and that the few things growing were dangerous or prolific - as in they take over the growing spaces and hold them hostage. We're making baby steps, as I dutifully pull out the wild things, donate them to others with bare-er yards than I, and Dear Hubby tears out the shrubs that are placed in weird places, as if they were a security system, blocking windows and doors.

at least our canoe is not there any more! :)

Slowly, but surely, my vision for a private garden draws me in. I'm learning the nuances of the sun cycles and what likes to grow where....like the hostas along the house REALLY don't like to grow there in late summer, when heat is at it's peak and everything else overtakes them, but the newly planted redbud tree loves it's new location where I imagine I'll be able to watch its changes in season and monitor the birds as they build nests in it's branches in spring. The arbor vitae along the back fence is taking root, now topping the fence by height, and although we couldn't convince the building dept. to allow a permit for us to put up a storage shed in one corner (water run off and under the power line), we plan to landscape in more trees, and turn the water ditch into a dry bed...mimicking a creek with our occasional heavy rains. We don't have a plan settled on for the side run off, but we continue to pray and study it each time we get stuck in the mud.

one ugly yard! this will be a dry bed someday!

Notice the lack of privacy

morning glories on the fence

OH, and the flowers are growing!! The iris I planted when we first moved in (in the wrong season, and the wrong places I found out later), are getting moved this fall (right time AND to the right places). We continue to clean out areas of ugly shrubs, and plant much appreciated grass (that hubby loves to not have to mow around!). We'll keep enough flat yard space to allow a swingset or play area, but I'm looking forward to the day that I walk out the back door and see nothing but flowers. AH. I can imagine it in my mind's eye. Quiet times with God on the back patio, coffee in hand, morning glories going crazy (already growing from a friend's shared seeds on an impromptu fence we put up), water running through the jar fountain that runs there, wind chimes from the neighbor's house...

I hope that it turns into another place to practice hospitality...guys enjoying the sights as we BBQ...kids chasing butterflies that come to visit, all of us enjoying God's creation within the confines of our yard.

Yes, I seek the garden....

Precious Intimacy with God...

2011-10-01T21:13:00.000-05:00

After following a few of my blogs this week, and tonight's lesson at church (which was really good!), my heart is turned towards the topic of the sermon, "Intimacy With God". Do I take enough time with Him? How do I express my love for Him in my daily life? Do I celebrate enough? (have I ever even THOUGHT of celebrating my intimacy with God?). I was reminded of a favorite book, sitting on my shelf, "A Celebration of Discipline" and how I had drawn so close to God through it, and then set it off on the side...on to read other things...and to not continue in the Disciplines in the ways that I could Celebrate them...but to make them more of a ritual, a tradition, instead of something to be celebrated...

So, those are my thoughts.

I know that time with God is like growing in our walk - there is never enough - we never "arrive" as a mature Christian - there is always farther to go, room for more, ways to change to become more like Him...and the closer I draw to His heart, the more I know this.

I love that He is patient with us! Love how He woos us to Him...gently, quietly, so precious...like when we hold a newborn, how we gently speak to them...coo in their ear...hum a favorite tune softly so they will lean in even more.

oh, how I love to draw near to Him! Especially in the times of craziness (like lately) I am drawn to Him like a cat to a warm sunny spot on the floor, like a child's hand to the candy dish, like a bee to honey...

when I get there, snuggled in that spot, I love to rest there. Love to draw near to His chest, hear His heart beat. Hear His Word whispered in my ear...His breath warm on my cheek...

i need to spend more time in that spot...resting in His arms...learning to celebrate the disciplines of following Him...learning to celebrate Jesus.

Count down...

2011-09-30T16:37:00.000-05:00

If you've followed me in life, you know that I'm preparing to take a trip out of the U.S. Today a friend asked me "how many more days till you leave...?" and I was speechless...I've not been counting.

Life has been busier than normal - busier than even my "normal" September - which is pretty busy, as months go. I keep thinking that October will be a place to slow down, but it doesn't seem that way either. Oh well.

So I have a messy house. My husband and I have eaten out more than we have eaten at home (I've only cooked one time this week) and there is a variety of luggage, unpacked shopping bags, and generally STUFF scattered all over my table, my floor, my couches.... ugh. If I have a spare moment, I'm more interested in going outside in the sunshine than staying indoors and "house-blessing" things here. (I desire a clean house though...and I know that there are dust bunnies....or rather dust doggies...under those pieces of luggage all over the floor!!). It will get done.

I've also got HOMEWORK to do; things to write as assignments, thank-you's to write to family and friends that are praying for me, and packing to do. SIGH. A LOT to do!

But I'm not counting days, and I think I'll keep my calendar set to September to keep me from doing it.

Earlier today, I met with some newer best-buddies that help keep me accountable and see God in all things. We pray for our husbands, their jobs (they all work together) and the nuances of the industry. It's a place I can be REALLY real, warts and all. Love those ladies!!

Yesterday, I got to talk with a long-time friend, who happens to be a counselor, and we talked about how God is moving and growing us in new ways. How He grows dreams in us, and how we can choose to be used - or not - in those dreams. SO good to get wise counsel from her.

I also got to SKYPE with a great friend who I've only spent face time with a few times in my life, but we are avid online friends - YAY God for technology!! We have shared a lot of similarities in life, and God's given us similar, complimentary, passions to serve Him with. When no one else "gets it", she does! :)

oh, goodness....where was I going with this...??? : P (i'm being real with you now too!!)

OH YEAH - the point was this: Sometimes we can get SO caught up in the countdown, that we miss the chance to live that day to the fullest in His will. We were talking about "saying good-bye well" - whether our kids were moving across town, enlisting in the military, or moving around the world - we can get so enslaved to the process of what I call "the last times" (this will be the last time we sit at church together, this will be our last time at Taco Bell, this was the last time we'll get to watch this movie together...etc) that we MISS THE OPPORTUNITY TO ENJOY THE MOMENT WITH OUR LOVED ONES.

So, maybe this is why I won't count days. I want to live in the moment (even if it's a scatterbrained, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, moment) and not in the "last times". I want to see Him at work, in me and around me, and be able to share the enthusiasm of the work that God's doing "there". I don't want any tears. (for some reason I'm hearing a chorus of "Don't cry for me, Argentina..." LOL).

SO, prayers appreciated: for rest when I need rest, sleep when it's time to sleep, and periods of productivity in between!! For health of my family, "here, near, and far away" and for no surprises while I'm gone. For me to continue to walk in faith, and trust Him to fill me with a message of LIFE, and LIGHT, and HOPE to this place I'm going. For me to see with His eyes, hear with His ears, and be His hands and feet to the world.

thanks friends...
i'll probably take a little time off for the month of October...but promise to come back with LOTS of photos, and more than a few blog posts...

Harvest time...

2011-09-22T23:22:00.000-05:00

This past week my heart has been focused on Hosea 10:12 as God has brought me through the busiest month in my calendar year.

"I said, ‘Plant the good seeds of righteousness, and you will harvest a crop of love.
Plow up the hard ground of your hearts, for now is the time to seek the Lord that he
may come and shower righteousness upon you.’"

This has been my time of harvest! It has been busy, crazy busy, insanely busy. But in all of this, the long hours, the unexpected extra jobs that have come out of nowhere, the need to cover things where I thought I had help (but it didn't pull through) - it all worked out - and it all came together because of His desire to see it come together (not my own ability - at all!).

In these things I will seek the Lord! Not because of the expectations of the showers of blessings, but because I want to see the harvest of love brought in!!

Sometimes it is painful to allow our hearts to be plowed up. There can be twigs, clumps of grass, remnants of the last crop that serve as reminders of the harvest, or failed crops burned in the fields. However, He takes all that and turns it into a lovely soil...turning it over and over into our hearts...until it is fertile and ready for planting.

This coming season, one of restoration and planning, will serve good purpose too. How lovely to plan towards the upcoming spring planting season, especially in the dead of winter cold and grey.

It's only fall now - the labor of cutting crops, bringing them in, working as a team to prepare them for market. It requires coordination, observation, flexibility, cooperation and time to bring it all together. One person can not do it all alone, and it can't be done without God's intervention and provision.

Join in with me and celebrate the harvest! He is doing great things!! HE has overcome the enemy, the drought, the flood, the bad seed, the poor soil...and continues to enrich us to be fertile for the next planting...

Let's partner with Him, allow Him to work IN us and THROUGH us, to accomplish His will in the harvest...

Wanting Dad's approval...

2011-09-20T12:15:00.000-05:00

Thanks Holley Gerth at {in}courage for writing about "In God's Heart, I am.... CHOSEN" this week. You can read it HERE.

I too really wanted my dad's approval growing up - isn't that normal for us to be "Daddy's girls"?? I too had to fight for attention, first from older sisters, then a younger sister, and always work. Fast forward years, my mom's death to cancer, and he's dating - so how do you compete with that??

What I found (after a long road to hoe through all the wrong ways to live) was that my heart yearned for unconditional love...my heavenly Father's love...the ONLY love that could satisfy. Since then, I've learned that the reason I couldn't capture my daddy's heart wasn't MY problem, but his. I don't mean this to sound trite, but until I learned about sacrificial love for my Father, I had not realized how selfish human love was; even love within the family.

Fast forward to almost 30 years of marriage, and a lot of growth in my relationship with God (painful lessons, of course, but He is so faithful to bring fruit!!) and we have just read "Radical" - WOW. It is not for the faint hearted, but it really sheds light on our selfishness, how wrong teaching - even in church - makes us believe we are expecting rewards for our obedience to God's word...I'm not even doing it justice...it is so much more than that.

Now I feel as if I'm just beginning to grasp the way that I can truly love God back - in the way that honors Him and keeps me from feeding my selfish self.

SO, thanks Holley, for bringing up this topic...I can't wait to see what you fill the blank in next week!!

<3

The latest lesson in life...

2011-09-09T00:16:00.000-05:00

Today I had a meeting with a group of amazing (younger) women that I'll get to travel with in a few months. Each couple of weeks we get together and prepare for our journey, learn what the latest is on our arrangements, read, pray, write or discuss what's going on, and basically stay in touch. We want to make this trip TOGETHER...so it takes a little work to keep it intentional. :)

So today, in our meeting, we are asked to share what it is that God's been showing us since the last time we met 2 weeks ago. A few of the other women shared really moving-to-tears examples of how He has been revealing Himself to them, or how He was sustaining them during difficult seasons. I was in awe.

I was also dumbfounded. I mean, God shows me things daily that are really amazing - but it's fleeting - like His masterpiece in nature, or the sound of a child's laughter. So lovely.

Then I remembered a few nights ago, something really upset me. (I will interject here that I learned last night in our small group, that to be "upset" is really just saying you are ANGRY! I never knew! I am ONE ANGRY WOMAN!! LOL). Anyways, stuff in life has just been stressful, and I'd decided to just set it all aside - that God has a plan and I'll just trust him with it. But I was so upset the other night, I just had to get out of the house and get some fresh air. (for the record, it was not anything between my husband and I). So I put Abbey the Wonderdog's leash on, grabbed a blue bag, and went for a walk. A power walk. In the cool night air!

During this time, Satan was shouting lies to me all around. I wasn't fit to go on this trip. If I was going to be THIS way now, how could I ever make this journey. These other women are WAY more spiritual and mature than I am. I knew I wanted resolution to the problem, but I had no idea what that looked like, nor what I expected as an answer. All I could do was pray the name "Jesus", over and over again. The more I spoke His name, the more He made Himself known, and the more Satan was defeated. It reminded me of the line in the song "Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant; "The enemy, he has to leave, at the sound of Your Great Name."

THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS LEARNING, WHAT I EXPERIENCED.

So it's my new armor.

I know our minds lie to us. Satan likes to lie to us in many ways...and it's always been hard for me to discern when his lies appear wrapped in self-pity or "low self esteem". Now I have a simple tool to banish any confusion...just saying the name of Jesus. :)

Oh, how I love His name...love HIM...

Why take time with God...

2011-09-01T12:57:00.000-05:00

I loved Faith Barista Bonnie Gray's blog today on "Five White Space Killers, What Hold You Back From Spending Time With God" . It got me thinking about being a young wife and mom, and my attitudes and opinions that formed my "quiet time" with Him.

If I have to boil it down, I think that these thoughts would be my highlights:

1. Admit you NEED time with Him! We were created to have fellowship with Him, and when we put all other things in front of our time with God, we suffer. When we admit we need that time with Him to get grounded in His Word, an attitude adjustment, or just to maintain a good relationship, then it can become a priority. If we don't have that passion to spend time with Jesus, then pray for it! I have had to pray this several times in my life, and it's a prayer that works! When we can humbly say, "Lord, I don't have the desire for You like I used to, and I invite You to change my heart, my priorities, and for You to give me a new hunger for the Bible, for prayer, for You" then He is faithful to change us. (This also is a good prayer when we find ourselves "loving our husbands, but not "IN love" with them" - He can relight that spark!!)

2. Make time with God a priority! I'm not a morning person...it's just not in my genes! So when you take a night person and give her morning kids, there doesn't seem to be a "perfect time" to spend "quiet time" with God. Think outside the box, and be a little creative! I found out early on that my day went as good as my sleep was - so I started to take my quiet time in the evenings, when the kids were in bed, the dishes done, and I couldn't sleep anyways (because I wasn't tired, and because my morning person husband was already snoring!). I also found out that the years that my husband was on the road, the kids would sleep better, and I would sleep better, with my heart and head full of His Word and a solid time of prayer.

3. Make time spontaneous! Now that might sound like a contradiction, but it's not meant to be. I guess I want to encourage you to take time with God as He allows it. I wanted to be a pray-er, and wanted my kids to be too - so I often would pray (out loud with the kids, or either silent or loudly alone) as He brought things to me. For instance, if we were driving and saw an accident, we would pray out loud for the people involved. If God brought someone to mind, I would pray there and then for them. If someone asked me to pray for them, I would pray RIGHT THEN for them, with them, even on the phone (or online!). I think that it helps us to develop a prayerful posture when it's the FIRST thing we think of. Stop wondering (or worrying) about things, people, circumstances, and PRAY for them!

Also keep your heart and mind open to take time with God. When I was a baby Christian, I had a tiny NT and Psalms Bible that I carried with me all the time. As I learned worship songs, I would highlight the scriptures that inspired them in that Bible. Often times I would read my Bible as I was waiting for the bus (God removed my car from my life to draw me closer to Him, and not allow me to be distracted by my sinful past). This often led to a spontaneous time of worship, as I focused on the scripture in song that was inspired by Him. NOW we have Bible apps on our phones/notebooks and can read, sing, or listen to inspiring messages all the time! When we have that spare moment, how will you use it?

4. Everything is Spiritual, so give God praise! Develop a way to be in constant communication with Him! Take time to praise Him for the little things...the breeze on a hot morning, a friend's phone call, a favorite song on the radio (and don't forget to pray for that artists' walk with God to be with integrity and passion!!). We have opportunities to pray CONSTANTLY. Whatever we put IN us is what will go out of us...if it's worry, discontent, anger, gossip and junk tv...well...we're not going to be as fruitful as He can make us.

5. Ask God to equip us, and equip our spouse. Divorce happens all around us. I love my husband, Mark, a LOT. I'm in love with him too, and praise God for Mark being in my life. But Mark can NOT meet my needs. It's true. But God can use Mark to meet my needs. I don't ask for specifics - but DO ask God to equip Mark to meet my needs...and ask God to equip me to meet Mark's needs. I don't know what that will entail from day to day, but I know God knows, and I trust Him to give me what that will take!

6. FORGIVE. Unforgiveness (or bitterness) can build a wall between us and God. We also have a saying that we live by in our marriage, "A happy marriage the union of two good forgivers!". It's true. We're going to disappoint each other, hurt feelings, do things wrong and make wrong choices...we are both human, and made with a sinful, selfish, nature! If we can allow ourselves to forgive (before even hearing an apology) we can keep it in perspective. God's forgiven me for so much, and I because of that, I know that I can forgive Mark. Grace is a beautiful gift! Mercy undeserved is a lovely fragrance to spread around our home!!

I am aware that sometimes forgiving is not between us and a spouse, but another family member or friend, or even a challenging circumstance. If we can forgive, we should. If we can't, I'm a firm believer in seeking Christian Counseling to help resolve the issue. Sometimes forgiving is not forgetting (forgive and forget is not something WE can do!) but forgiving and setting healthy boundaries to protect us, especially in abusive situations. Abuse is not just physical, sexual, or emotional; sometimes it's being manipulated in other ways. Forgiveness is always fruitful.

7. If you fall off the bicycle, get back on it! If you miss a day, or a week, month, or year - I promise, God misses you!! He will be happy to hear from you, no matter how much time has passed. I think we all have friendships like that too...no matter how much time has passed, we pick it up like we saw each other yesterday... and that's how it is with God. He LOVES to spend time with us...take time to be with Him.

OK, I think I've gone on long enough...well, ok - just one more thing that deserves mentioning but I won't expand on - if you have problems in your life, take time to help someone who has it worse than you. It might mean helping at a shelter, or your next door neighbor - but it always helps to take our eyes off of us and put them back on Him. Pray for them, and don't be a "me monster" ("woe is me, I have it so bad, i need...." - I think you get the picture.).

Now get off this computer and go spend some time with Jesus!!

Grace and peace,
marina

No Dog Days of Summer here...

2011-08-18T11:38:00.000-05:00

Memories of the end of summer always made me think of boredom. Oh, some may say it's relaxing, those few weeks that are too hot to really enjoy being outside, where the grass turns brown and flowers fade and trees threaten to lose their leaves without turning into the loveliness of autumn...but for me it was the boredom of a neighborhood of kids, all WAITING for school to start....or my own kids, breaking into their new homeschool books for those 8 years we homeschooled...begging me "PLEASE....DON'T MAKE ME WAIT UNTIL AFTER LABOR DAY...." or Jason heading off to soccer camp, football camp, and finishing up baseball (ugh - SUCH a long season!!) and the girls heading back to college...sigh. Ok, some memories are bittersweet.

My grown up life is much different for me. A sister scheduled a family reunion at her home in Hot Springs, AR (appropriately named, for late July), and since I got home from that event, I've hardly had time to sit down.

I have a hard time with this time of year, daylight decreases, and while I'm beckoned to sit in the sun and soak it in, my common sense tells me to forgo the tanning and just enjoy it from inside the coolness of our small air conditioned house (MUCH cooler, thanks to hubby who changed out all the dust filled filters!!). I mosey on out in the cool of the morning and enjoy my morning glories that have made themselves at home along my fence railing....or skittle out in the afternoon shadows to water and pull weeds while Abbey runs rampant around the neighborhood (and yes, I follow up after her with a bag blowing in the breeze...). Ahhh...summer...sigh...will soon be over.

I'm sort of caught off guard with the schools here in our part of KY going back to school in early August! There is something that I remember about the first day of school...dew on the grass, and a certain feeling in the morning air. I haven't experienced it, but yet the kids are loading on the morning busses and my neighborhood is quiet till they bound off of it in the afternoon heat...having been restrained for too long in quiet classrooms and hot bus seats. The heat of the day doesn't bother them a bit, glad to be free, they scooter around and yell up and down the street, asking where Abbey is (my dog, watching safely from behind the storm door).

We have a houseguest right now...sort of a son, someone my husband has shared life with for a number of years (and more prayers than that) came to live with us about a month ago. Steve arrived with a girlfriend and a dog - we were not fully aware of until they were on their way (and the dog, not until they arrived!). They came the day I left for my reunion trip, and had a week of bliss with an empty house and meals eating out with Mark in the cool of evening. Then I came home and ruined it all! LOL. I think it was a shock for his young girlfriend, and at one time Mark heard her on the phone say "You don't understand...I'm STUCK here!!". She lasted a week with me home, leaving not so much because I was home, or because we broke her bubble with the reality that she needed to be checking in with her P.O., but more because she missed her kids (she has 2 young ones...which still baffles me, seeing she spent the last 7 years in jail...). I can understand that, missing kids, but can only imagine her complaining now at how "stuck" she REALLY is. She wants Steve to have a house, for her to fill it, but it's going to be a little while before he has his life in order to support them, and in his words "she doesn't know the value of a dollar" - so when her PO suggested that she get a job and work to support herself to show her maturity and ability to move on (wanting to transfer to KY), she had nothing to do but call and complain to Steve. :(

Our prayer continues to be that God will work in her heart, and life, and that God will do whatever HE sees fit to do to bring her to a place of repentance and a willingness to live under HIS authority. Right now, both are foreign words to her.

Steve, on the other hand, arrived with a heart and head READY for change. He kept saying that he needed a new start, a fresh beginning, and recognized that everyone he thought was a friend was not, and that he needed to "surround myself with people like you..." (meaning Christians, but not knowing how to word that then). He was caught in between the rock and hard place while his gf was here, and felt relief when she left (by bus - since no one was willing to come and get her - and just in time to appear at her court dates). They talk daily, and Steve longs for her companionship (although she is still legally married to another man, the father of her kids). But Steve longs for God more...and that's what I keep praying for!!

What is it, that takes a broken soul and restores it to a newness of life that it's never known before? As we all sat in our small group last night, Steve recounted how thankful he was that everyone from our group was there last weekend at his baptism...so special. He has a long way to go, on this journey with God, and I trust Him to fill his heart with new loves, for God, for the ones He seeks to save (yes, even the gf), for the global lost. I expect Steve to learn more about God, the Bible, and creating a HIStory of Steve's past, riddled with jail time and running from the law and how he was tired of running - so he ran right into God's arms. Peace. HIStory will be made, and continue to be written, and told for generations to come.

In the meanwhile, I'm at home...running from event to event (church meetings, mission team formations, church events, a leadership conference, small group retreat, Bible study, and hanging out with my own girls that bring joy to my life), and take lots of time in prayer (for my kids, grandkids, extended family, people battling for their lives with cancer, people battling for their souls from sin, people living and working in other parts of the world, and people looking for work...). I haven't read much non-Bible reading lately, but hope to...seeking to find a sunny window before too long, wanting to get caught up in my bookshelf of good stuff to read. Romans FILLED me with joy and new life, and I admit, I was a bit sad to have moved along to 1 Corinthians, although I trust God has words for my own heart there too.

I'm setting goals, things I MUST do, things I WANT to do, things I SHOULD do...and perhaps they are, in fact, just one list. I hope to reason myself into the idea that there is no reason for me to have a craft room...and hope that by selling most of my items there I can raise some money for an upcoming m trip. It would also allow us to move the bunk beds back into the house (from the garage) and allow room for at least 2 more people to stay, should the need arise. I want to be available for God to use our home as He wills...a place of refuge.

REFUGE! That's another new thing on my calendar...each Monday night as we pray for people working around the world, and people that need the gospel and love of Jesus to soothe their souls. Part prayer, part worship, part eating with fellow sinners (some redeemed) as we meet as community to break into smaller groups of Bible study, prayer, recovery, restoration. I'm thankful for this Crossroads' ministry.

OH, OK...I've rambled on long enough. My bottom's sore from this kitchen chair (yes, I really AM at the kitchen table today!) and I've got random acts of housework to do today. Thanks for reading this far... leave a note if you'd like - and prayers are appreciated!!

Until the whole world hears...

Memory Making Days...

2011-07-03T22:47:00.000-05:00

We took a week's vacation last week and made the drive to see our grandgirls. Usually we go to just play with them and hang out with our daughter and son in law, but this time we went because they needed our help watching them as they worked a week of Jr High church camp!

We arrived late, were tired beyond imagination - sleeping in a tent, on an air mattress, and although it was warm/hot during the days - we had a night in the 40's - not ideal for sleeping in my book (though I prefer cool to being too hot at night).

We managed 2 days of taking the girls off campus during the day, discovering every playground within a 30 mile radius. We even went to an aquatic park to let them play in the water in the heat of the day. The lack of sleep was wearing us out quickly though, so we ended up running the girls home for the last few days of camp and getting more sleep there.

The end of camp brought mom and dad home too, and we were able to assist with them getting unpacked and settling in back at home. The kids were SO glad to see mom and dad - but sadly it brought more demands on mom and dad - how do kids know how to read their parents when they are tired?? It was all good memories though, and we enjoyed a few fun days all together at the house. Friday night we celebrated my youngest granddaughter's first birthday! FUN!! It was fun to see her taste, then devour, her own birthday cake. She did great!!

That next morning we headed out, taking the scenic route home (a few hours longer on the road), and enjoying every turn as we drove along a river's edge. We hit Louisville at dusk, and decided to try to get dinner at one of our favorite restaurants that is on the waterfront. After a 20 minute wait, we were seated at a table that faced the river, the bridges that cross it, and a BEAUTIFUL sunset! It was a great way to end a great week together!

A few more hours on the road, and we were home - exhausted still - but able to sleep in our own beds, our hearts and minds full of fun faces and happy memories. I miss those little girls, even their temperamental moments, and especially the silliness that they bring.

I am a grouchy toddler at heart...

2011-06-17T16:16:00.000-05:00

Tuesday and Wednesday of this past week, I went to Emerald Hills to cook for a group of people who were taking the Kairos course - and the folks who were facilitating it. I only had 2 meals to cook, 2 lunches, and I was able to prepare most of the ingredients before coming out - over the weekend.

I've cooked for much larger groups in my life - there were only 35 people or so - and I've cooked up to 350 at a kids camp in the past! I knew that I had a handle on the preparation, and felt comfortable in the kitchen even if it was my first time there. It was a friendly place and people were so appreciative! All in all the experience was great.

But when it was all said and done, I was POOPED! I felt that I rested well before coming out (although the previous 2 weekends were REALLY crazy busy, so I was running on reserves before ever making the 2+ hour drive out there). And really, I had forgotten how hard cleaning up was!! That sounds funny, but I had always had a team of people, and always including guys, to help with scrubbing pots and washing dishes. That's what really wore me out.

At the end of day 1 I was tired. At the end of day 2 I was EXHAUSTED. I felt emotional, upset, angry, tired, cranky....you name it. I felt like I was 2 years old, and no one could fix it. I made it home ok, and walked in the door, unloaded the car and started putting things away. It was all I could do to keep moving in forward motion....I couldn't lay down since we had Bible study in just an hour. When my husband came home from work, he kept asking me if I was mad at him, or mad at someone else, or if anything bad happened. Nope. Nope. Nope. Just needed to work it out, get through it all. I'd be ok if I could just make it to the morning with a goodnight's sleep...I was really loopy.

To top it off, I had been praying for clarity on an upcoming trip with church to bless some of our workers in the field. Being this tired made me say "no" to everything. Let me rephrase this....I was saying "NO!!" to everything, like a 2 year old. Looking at this trip, if I should go, could go, if I could be a blessing to serve others there - all I saw was "NO!!" on my wall. I was physically weak, worn out - how could I survive traveling to the other side of the world and have a short period of a few days to rebound, be fruitful, and leave a wake of blessings behind me on a whirlwind trip. I played the game of "if You want me to go God, then the next song on the radio will be about missions" - but it never was, and I became even more emotional over the prospect of the answer being "no" and that He didn't want me to go on this trip, yet all I heard as reasons for me not going were based on my own weakness and superstitions. I never heard His voice say "NO", I only heard my own toddler voice echoing inside my brain.

Bible study went well, finishing up Ephesians 1, and my heart quickened at the thought of us having access to the power of Jesus' resurrection; how few times I have asked for that power...or have heard others ask for it. I needed resurrecting from these tired bones.

I made it to sleep easily, but I woke up and felt that same burden of "NO" on my shoulders. OK God...You can make this work. You can take these feelings of oppression away. You can restore me and give me clarity of mind....You can resurrect these old bones. I broke open my cell phone and started to do my devotion...Acts 2..powerful words to the church. I still felt no peace, and no resolution to my toddler "NO" inside, especially on the trip topic.

Then, I gave up and went to facebook - thinking I'd catch up on friend's joy and allow it to morph my negativity into kindness and joy. Little did I know! The first post I read was from my friend Linda, and it read: "saying yes— to whatever God has called us to do—is always the right choice. - “Simple obedience stamped with God’s anointing will do far more than you can imagine”." - Dan Price" (from his study on Job). WOW. I can take this word and focus on it, applying it to my life in many areas. I can meditate on it and see if it's God speaking to me, or me just applying good advice to a difficult circumstance and decision.

Then I got an email, a newsletter update from the Kairos people with Team Expansion, updating all of the facilitators with how God is using Kairos around the world. This time - the first time I'd noticed in several months of being on this mailing list - they gave these accounts of Kairos in other countries. There was an incredible poem too, one that was written by a Kairos participant (anonymous) that just moved my heart so beautifully...

Show me Your Glory Today Lord

If You do not go with me,
I do not want to go
But if You do not take me to the nations
Take me to heaven now
I beg You

I would rather go into Your presence TODAY
With a burning heart
Than years from now
With a luke warm one

I am in desperate need of a radical gift of grace
To save me from this suffocating culture
I don’t want to live shopping trip to shopping trip
I want to live fishing trip to fishing trip
Fishing for men with You in my boat.

I am not afraid to die for You TODAY
With the gospel on my lips
But I am afraid to waste away
Falling asleep to the world’s lullaby
Please don’t let the church sing me to sleep

Take me to the nations Lord
Show me Your glory today
I would rather join those in heaven who see You and know Your worth
Then allow one more day to slip by me on earth
Poisoned by pride and play

ON THE GLORIOUS DAY OF YOUR RETURN
I do not want to be found
On a yacht
While the world is sinking
In a fine restaurant
While the world is starving
With a closet of fine clothes
While so many still naked
Caring more for my lawn
Than for souls

Please Lord I pray
Show me Your glory
Take me to the Nations
Or take me home to heaven today

So, heart broken open, mind clear and awake, realizing the negative effects of my tiredness on my decision making, I sought the Lord, and clearly heard "YES". So, yes - I will go. Willing heart, open to being grown in new ways, to be stretched in faith and draw closer to Him. To serve others, with His strength, calling on His power of the resurrection to bless those that share the gospel in far away places.

I know that work on my side is just starting...to pray, and recruit others to come alongside me to pray for our team; to ask for others to come alongside me in prayer and support me financially on this trip; and for God to pull all the details together for the trip itself this fall. But I know, that saying yes was the hardest thing that I had to do, and now it's all in His hands!! I don't have to "worry" about these things, knowing that He will provide, prayerfully and financially, and that He will schedule flights, events in the area, provide places for us to stay, others to work with, others to travel with us, and bless each of us while we go to bless others - as we all say "yes" to Him and allow Him to anoint the work of His hands...

Lessons for me on John 21

2011-06-13T10:34:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, when I take time to really listen to God as I read His word, I’ll find tidbits of wisdom that He speaks to my heart. I’m trying hard to be disciplined to write these things out - either for future articles in the “Connections” magazine from “Auntie Em”, or to share with friends to encourage them. This one is too long for the magazine; I may develop a point or two into an article down the road...but my space limitations inhibit me on sending in this article; so blogging it is!!

None of this is “rocket science”, and I’m sure many a better sermon have been taught on it, but these are my reflections - the things God spoke to MY heart. I hope it inspires you to get into the Bible and see what He will speak to your own heart...

1. Don’t just listen to what God says for us to do, but DO IT!

v6 “Then he said, “Throw out your net on the right-hand side of the boat, and you’ll get some!” So they did, and they couldn’t haul in the net because there were so many fish in it.”

So often we are inspired by scripture, but not do what He is prompting us to do. Frequently we hear an applicable sermon, but refuse to apply it to our own life (but we can be exceptionally good at finding things to share with other people, and follow through on that right away!). I think that it’s best if I listen with ears for me to hear, and let the Holy Spirit do the convicting to others; and then apply what He is asking me to change in my life - and let God do the changing in other’s lives.

2. Be willing to serve outside of your comfort zone

v12 ““Now come and have some breakfast!” Jesus said. None of the disciples dared to ask him, “Who are you?” They knew it was the Lord. 13 Then Jesus served them the bread and the fish.”

I don’t know how I missed this point for so many years! Jesus cooked them breakfast (scriptures don’t mention anyone else on the shore with Him), and then served them. The fact that He served them doesn’t surprise me, He often served others. But to have cooked them a breakfast as they were returning from fishing - a little out of the ordinary. Sometimes we get stretched and grow by doing things we never thought of doing before. Cooking at a camp. Sitting with the elderly. Cleaning a mess dirtier than we could ever make. Going to a place (even another country) that we have never been before (where they might eat food we aren’t used to eating, smell differently than we do, and speak in a language we don’t understand!!) If we are willing to serve God whole heartedly, He will equip us to serve Him in ways we never imagined...and we might just like it. Even if we don’t, He will be growing us in new ways!

3. Loving God means feeding His sheep.

v17 A third time he asked him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Then feed my sheep.

Sheep are messy, smelly and loud. Sometimes they are cute and cuddly, but like any new experience, that “honeymoon season” wears off fast! In order for us to show our love for Jesus, He expects us to get involved in ministry to others - the sheep. Which group of sheep has He called you to work with? Get to know them, and let them get to know YOU, the real you. The shepherd that doesn’t always have it all together, that has things go wrong in day to day life. I guarantee that you being you is one of the most valuable ways to let “the sheep” see how God is at work in your life, and it will give them courage to continue to walk with God through trials in their own lives.

The story isn’t finished!

verses 24,25 “This disciple is the one who testifies to these events and has recorded them here. And we know that his account of these things is accurate. Jesus also did many other things. If they were all written down, I suppose the whole world could not contain the books that would be written.”

We need to be willing to share how God is at work in us, not just how He blessed us, but how we see Him continually at work. We need to be IN His word, the Bible, to KNOW how He has worked, and how He will work in lives today. The Bible is a historical book, passed on from generation to generation. So is our lives. How beautiful a story for us to be willing to share the story of “once I was lost, but then I was found...” and how God impacted our life. It doesn’t have to be a “bragimony” but an honest testimony that tells the story of our confession of our sins, and the ongoing work that He did in our life. Not only does it remind us that He is at work in us, but it can give someone hope that they are loved by Him too. Share your HIStory.

Stories of Joplin...

2011-05-27T22:27:00.002-05:00

I wrote this note to a few friends who are dear to me...a group of women that I meet with monthly to pray for our husbands, their work, and our families, and our walks with God. After writing it, I knew that I had to post it too, to share these accounts and give them a place to live.

If you have a tornado story too, from Joplin or another location, please feel free to leave an account of it in the notes.

May God continue to show the power of His glory, through disasters and recovery, through death and birth, through the lives of people who are able to move along day after day, and those that come alongside them and bring them bottled water, pillows, peanut butter and jelly...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know that I'll be seeing you guys over the next week or so, but I didn't want to forget the things that Jason has shared with me....if I've already told you these things I'm sorry for repeating it...

Jason was just back from a Men's retreat with his girlfriend's dad (Jason) and her little brother. They were in NW AR somewhere - fishing?? Don't remember exactly. As they were saying goodbye at their house in Carl Jct (North of Joplin) it started to rain, and storm, and Jason asked if he could just hang out there until the storm passed. They said yes, and the sirens went off and they evacuated to a neighbor's basement. The tornado didn't go by there, so they were fine. Jason had been texting with me the whole time and I had weather channel on, so I knew right away that there was a tornado on the ground in Joplin. Jason had to drive right through it all, and immediately tried to get ahold of his best friend K, but he didn't answer. K lived in back of the Walmart that was destroyed...and as Jason drove to the apt. to check on K he was pretty shook up - he was on the phone with me and was saying "oh wow...I can't believe this...the store is gone...oh my..." and then that he had to go and check on him. He had no idea what he was going to find when he got there, but he knew he needed to know - and to help him if he needed help. His apt. was standing, but the windows were blown out, his dog was ok, and K was a little shell shocked sitting on his couch. He had hid in the bathroom and came out once the noise stopped...there was a block wall in back of his apt. that barely missed him..he would have been crushed.

Jason went out to his house to check on things...the door to his greenhouse was blown off, and there were a lot of trees down, but the buildings were still standing. They still don't have power out there, but Jason goes back every day to check on his cat and his landlord's dog (they are staying with family until utilities are back on there - they have a newborn baby so they needed to be especially careful - and a few other kids too).

After that Jason went to the Police station to check in, and see where they needed assistance. They sent him over to Memorial Hall, the makeshift medical center since St. John's was hit directly and they evacuated all their patients to Freeman, which also got some of the trauma injuries...they were full, and had sent others on to other hospitals in the 4 state area (Joplin's less than an hour from NW AR, NE OK, SW KS and Springfield, MO). After he got there he couldn't sit still, so he went out "door to door" at their request. At one point he called me and said, "They told me to go door to door, but there are no doors left to go to...everything is flat". He also talked about finding a few people dead either IN or UNDER a car - and having to get a team in to get them out. He said he was so grateful for his new iPhone, for the GPS on it, as no street was recognizable - especially in the dark. He was pretty shook up. Eliysha's folks said that Jason could sleep there - as he didn't have any power or water at his place - so he went back there and slept on the couch a few hours before going to The Bridge to volunteer at 6am. He's been doing that during the day and working nights this week, then going and crashing at the Spangler's house - until her big brother got home from Hawaii where he is stationed in the Navy(?). He was able to get a 20 day emergency leave to assist in the disaster relief.

B - J's mother in law (and a dear friend of mine) USUALLY goes to Weight Watchers on Sunday afternoons at 5 or so, then goes to Walmart to do her shopping for the week. She was really tired that afternoon, and took a nap, and slept through till the sirens went off. If she had set an alarm she would have been in town, likely at the walmart store that was demolished.

DD - a friend on facebook and mom of one of our missionaries in A, was in a play at the Stained Glass Theater right around the corner from the St John's Hospital. Her granddaughter was watching the play. DD was in a costume change when the sirens went off. She got stuck in a stairwell, and her granddaughter was whisked to the basement of the building. The whole building was demolished - and a brick wall was knocked down and although the wind should have blown it INTO the stairwell where they were seeking shelter, it fell against the wind AWAY from the stairwell...a miracle!! DD was beat up by flying bricks - broken nose, and bruised up. Her granddaughter was safe and unharmed. Many people lost their lives, and the director of the play was undergoing a precarious surgery and fighting infection today. Keep them in prayer please - as it was a pretty tight theater group that had performed for many years together.

Jason has shared a few stories from student friends that all had survived...only one student at OCC lost her life, a close friend of his girlfriend's, and many have lost their homes, apartments, cars and all their belongings.

One student was hiding IN their bathtub, when something hit the wall of the shower and THREW him OUT of the tub, to the middle of the room next to the bathroom. The apartment was hit, hard, and the bathroom disappeared. The only thing remaining was the one area of the room he was in. God's hand.

Another young family was hiding in their bathtub. they put their children in the tub, and mom and dad laid down on top of them, trying to keep the twister from hurting them. The whole mattress was picked up, with kids below and parents on top, and set in another room, and the bathtub was gone.

My friend, Bruce Beadles, has been going from Springfield to assist in the recovery work, and he shares these stories which he calls "Faces of Joplin":

Faces of Joplin: Older man was walking down the street, going to take pictures of his sons house for insurance. I asked which house was his... He was not sure. He had been looking for it for quite a while. Just cant find it...

Faces of Joplin: Brad is a joplin firefighter. Today was his frst day off since his home was destroyed. They insisted he take the day off to go deal with his house. His gaze was blank and distant, unsure of what to do. We helped him get some belongings out of his house and moved to a new location. Please pray for Brad and his family tonight!

Faces of Joplin: a tired and broken man came into the convenience store talking to the joplin pd. I couldn't hear what they said to him but my heart broke when he replied "I will not go home and sleep, I will not stop calling, and if it was your daughter missing you wouldn't either!". (from a friend's post)

Faces of Joplin: He said, "Why would God do this?" My best comparison: If you are a child walking down the street with your dad, and you step on a nail, did your dad cause it to happen? No, but He did pick you up and carry you until you could walk on your own.

Faces of Joplin: Saint (the dog) lived 2 blocks from the hospital. When the tornado came he was in his kennel by an inner wall. His family just made it under their house as the house was destroyed. His cage was strong enough to keep the debris from crushing him. He was trapped until the following morning.

Faces of Joplin: Ricks dad died in his livingroom 2 weeks ago as he performed CPR on him. Today we unburried his belongings and hauled truck and 2 trailer loads to a storage shed. He said his family had been praying and today his prayers were answered.

I pray that you are BLESSED through the stories that you read here. I pray that it gives you courage to face whatever you are facing today...and strength to face whatever comes at you tomorrow. Know that you are loved!!

Just another Thursday morning...

2011-05-26T12:13:00.000-05:00

I try (hard) to keep Thursday's as my reading and writing day. I'll catch up on news from around the world, check in on reading friend's blogs and write on my own (if so moved and motivated to) and generally do more reading...even opening a (gasp!) REAL book (made of paper and everything!).

Today, I'm all "media-d" out. The 19 years in Southwest Missouri building friendships with wonderful people, 2 daughters that had graduated from Ozark Christian College in Joplin, and my son and both of my daughter's in-laws living in Joplin, has kept me tied to the tv, computer, telephone for the past 4 days. I'm at peace with it, I know what tornadoes can do and have seen the destruction before. I don't like tornadoes, but am fascinated with their dance as they move across the countryside and through the city. It's a healthy respect that I have with their power and might. I've seen them destroy before.

I have heard SO many miracle stories the past few days; stories of people hunkered down in their bathtubs and their home is wiped away except for their bathroom walls. One friend D.C., was in the middle of a performance in Stained Glass Theater, around the corner of St. John's Hospital. She was in a costume change when the sirens went off, and got stuck in a stairwell, knowing her granddaughter was downstairs, but not knowing where. The building was flattened, and my friend got pretty beat up by bricks and debris, but she lived. Someone took her granddaughter down to the basement and kept her safe, keeping her from going to look for her grandma. She lived. Many lost their lives there that day, in the Stained Glass Theater....sad news to grasp hold of as I think of my friend - and all the years of friendships that she lost with fellow performers...patrons..brothers and sisters in Christ. When they went back on Monday, her son noticed something at the theater as they looked at what remained of the stairwell where she hid. The wall of bricks, against the wind direction, laws of gravity, and all other common sense fell away from the stairwell - not in to it - God's hands held them back and kept them from falling on those that were seeking refuge there. Another miracle.

I also think of the "should have beens" - like my son, who just came back to his girlfriend's parents home from a men's retreat with her father and brother. He stood in the rain, ready to leave and "just decided" to stay at their house and wait out the storm - no idea that it was tornadic. They ended up evacuating to a neighbor's basement, hailstones pelting them. They were all ok. If he had left when he was going to, he would have driven into the path of the tornado. Just a moment of listening to the Holy Spirit's prompt to "wait" saved his life. I felt so blessed to have been texting with him as he made each decision, each move that afternoon. I never wondered where he was, and it makes me so sad for the 1,500 other people still missing, their families and friends wondering where they are. I pray the most often for them - that they will get some closure, somehow. That God will bring peace to their hearts.

Odd timing also saved B.R.'s life. Normally on a Sunday afternoon she heads to town from her apartment on the north side and does all her grocery shopping for the week. But on that day, she was unusually tired that afternoon, and decided to take a nap before heading to the store...and awoke to the sound of the sirens going off. With her limited t.v. stations and her internet not working, she only got bits and pieces of what was going on out there. When Monday rolled around it occurred to her how close her life had been spared...she "should have been" at the Walmart store that was hit...exactly at the time it hit. That was her "normal routine" for her Sunday. I'm so glad that she's still alive!! I am blessed each time I hear of a miracle story of someone being found alive inside that store location, and pray for those that may STILL be alive in the rubble of that store, and the many other businesses and homes that were destroyed that day.

SO today is a day where I won't use internet news, weather channel, or anything that's likely to stir my heart. I think it will be a silent day around here - except for my dogs' whimpering for attention and the click click click of my fingers on the keyboard. Oh, and the telephone, friendly calls that still need to be made to check on friends here in KY and IN that were affected by yet another round of severe weather last night.

It's cloudy and overcast, but maybe a walk will do me good, a nice prayer walk that will push me to pray for the neighborhoods that are no longer standing...remembering my son's broken voice as he volunteered that first night... "Mom, they told me to go door to door, but there are no doors left." He did find a few people that night that didn't survive the giant twister. Each day since then he takes that memory to volunteer at The Bridge, assisting those that DID survive the storm. All those that have their own miracle stories to tell.

I want to say a HUGE thank you to an unlikely hero - the multi-national corporations that are helping out around the world in this time of need. Some have not been very nice to them - and many are quick to push aside their common signs and bash them for moving into neighborhoods, doing too much business, underselling the other stores and brands. My husband works for one of those BIG companies, Tyson, and I'm not afraid to say it. :) They were there, on the ground, within HOURS of the disaster in Joplin. They have sent teams of cooks (with food and equipment) to feed people, and trucks of ice for any need. Also, Sam's Clubs have given without hesitation. At The Bridge, where Jason volunteers, the Sam's Club across the road has been giving and giving since Monday morning.

Yes, I love the feel of a small family market, getting fresh produce that is grown locally, and knowing where our food comes from....but I am not ashamed to support these large companies that still reach out wherever they can. They have stock holders and profit expectations to answer to, but I'm pretty sure that they have stock holders in each city that has been hit by these recent catastrophe's.

Thank You: Sam's Club, Tyson, Chic fil A, Starbucks, and the many others that I don't know about, for giving to The Bridge and the people in Joplin, victims and volunteers.

OH, IT'S NO USE!! My heart focused on Joplin is not going to go away. No amount of reading, writing or prayer walking will wash this from my soul. It's like the smoke after a summer bon fire, it's permeated my clothing and sits in my hair. I can smell it on my skin, and feel it in my lungs. So too, are my prayers and thoughts for Joplin.

Praying.
John 9:3 NLT - "“It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answered. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him."

May the power of God be shown, through the power of the tornado, the miracles that are being told, through the healing of the broken hearts of the families of those missing or who have lost their lives, through the bringing together of resources and serving of the victim survivors, and through the rebuilding of this fine city.

Grace and peace...

spiritual black holes??

2011-05-04T15:35:00.000-05:00

since writing about Spiritual White Space, i've been feeling that i'm in a Spiritual Black Hole - oh, my faith has not been shaken...it's still there - and growing even! but it's been a hard couple of weeks...months???

today Holley Gerth at "Heart to Heart With Holley" wrote about being in a hallway...and seemingly facing a dead end, and it got me thinking... and then this is where i landed in words to Holley...

"thanks.
i'm praying for you and the hallway you're in too. i know that this can be a hard season for many women; missing our moms, longing to be moms, and moms without kids around, all seem to share this hallway. makes me want to get to that corner and give a little cry...my daughter miscarried last week, my mother's been gone for a long time already, and it's one of the few times that i won't see any of my own 3 kids - and my husband has to work to boot!
any other year i'd know what to do, have a few widowed friends in the wings, put a plan in place - but we're in a new town, in a new area, and i'm sort of at a loss. each time i think i have a decent idea, God puts a stop to it...so it may just be He and I...and that must be ok!!
so I'm praying for those that are also facing hardships on this Mother's Day...we're in good company with Him in our corner..."

pity party...not quite...just a remembrance. HE IS HERE. i am not alone. certainly not in my circumstances, and i have no reason or room to really complain...it's just all hitting at one time. a really long work project that keeps my husband away too many hours, for too many days...loneliness sets in... but he has a job, and it allows me to volunteer, to stay home, to be available for those times he can take off work on a normal work day...to see kids, grandkids - yes, there are a few out there, though not close to me, i am half-way closer than a few years ago. and the daughter that miscarried - oh, it hurts when our kids hurt - but their faith remains strong in our Father, and although they question "why?" they trust His perfect timing, and see the blessings in His perfect will this. and missing my mom...she died so long ago, but there were so many years i didn't miss her, didn't think i would ever miss her, there was so much hurt and bitterness locked in there, and God came and healed my heart when i let Him in, when i let Him touch me there...

so no, no pity party here. just seeking His will for that day, and wondering if i will make a plan to go and do and venture out, or what?? what shall i do?? i wouldn't normally go to church that day, i attend evening services on Sat., but would He be honored if i went then, looked for another lonely woman who is also walking this hallway? would He open the door for me to volunteer to help with gathering the tornado relief supplies? would He be honored by my best if i even just got out of my bed, out of the house, and gave a day to Him in silence? camera clicking at the sights around me, looking for ways to showcase the beauty of His creation??

oh, the plan still needs to come together, and i'm not sure what it will look like, but i don't think i'll sit at the end of this hallway and not take on a bit more landscape; be willing to grow a little more; let Him grow a little more in me...

and i may even take a bit of that hallway with me. black. hole. and. all.

take it out to the great outdoors. let it get some fresh air. breathe deep. in silence and beauty allow myself to grieve - just a bit - and think of all the mother's days that mom has not been here, all the other women that are missing their moms, their children, their unborn children that they never got to hold. and take that hole and let God pack it with His hands. fill it to full and overflowing with His love, like wet sand in a bucket, and tip me over to leave something to build on...whether it's another year, or another hallway, it's all just another journey to take with Him.

Spiritual "White Space"

2011-04-01T12:41:00.000-05:00

Thanks to Bonnie Gray at FaithBarista for her topic for today. It's been a while since I've treated myself to some "time out" with God...and it's got me thinking again...dreaming about time beyond the walls of my house but still alone with Him.

It's sometimes difficult to transition to different phases of life. When I was a new Christian, in my early 20's and on-fire with my new-found faith, my White Space was spent sitting on the sand in Seal Beach, watching the Pacific roll in and out, and feeling the ocean's spray on my skin. It was easy to draw near to Him, my new, TRUE, love.

As a newlywed in my mid-20's my walk with God had tempered a bit with learning to share my heart with my earthly husband. White Space was sort of out of the picture then, and I missed it, but I was learning to come under the authority of Mark's leadership, learning to be a wife and a mother.

Once my kids were born, and moving from one state to another and away from family and friends, White Space was non-existent. 3 kids within 3 years, and a husband that traveled around the world, I was the sole parent on the scene. This is where my walk suffered the most - undoubtedly from the stresses and strains of NOT having White Space...I let my responsibilities run me weary, and chose to walk from my faith. I never stopped believing, but stepped on the outside edges of that belief...walking as far from God as I thought possible. I was angry with God, my husband, myself, and I struggled. I chose to take on that bondage to sin through attitude and actions instead of clinging to God, believing a lie (or many lies) and entangling myself in things of the world.

A thousand miles later and a few years, I humbly prayed a prayer that changed my life - asking for forgiveness, repenting from sin (again) and asking God to cause me to fall in love again - with Jesus, with my husband, ultimately with myself. What a change took place!! With that came the need for that time to allow the Holy Spirit to woo me...setting aside time for me and Him to be alone - that "White Space" again became a part of my life with God. It was wonderful to live close to so much beautiful land - open fields with huge bales of hay, a lovely State Park with streams and wildlife, or just to look at the sunshine glistening on the lake - all were places that I could see the beauty of His creation and feel Him breathing newness into my soul. Somehow, if He could create order in all of this, He could restore my soul...and He did.

Now, years later, I find my solace much the same way Bonnie does - in nature, camera in hand, trying to capture the loveliness in a digital masterpiece, or in words on paper - but i allow myself a keyboard too - or to just sit and meditate - yes - stillness before God - repeating a mantra of (breathe in) More of You Lord Jesus....(breathe out) LESS of me... and waiting on Him to move. Waiting for that still, small, voice to stir in my soul. Asking to be that meek and gentle spirit in all circumstances. Practicing my spiritual disciplines...just looking for Him to move.

I love it. I love HIM. I love being on this journey with Him, growing to love Him more and waiting on Him; learning to serve Him in new ways - often through serving my husband - or others - and praying for others needs.

Prayer has become key in my life...not having yet mastered the "flat on my face for hours" stance, yet in His own way "praying in all things" throughout the day, and learning to intentionally draw near to Him for specifics...not poetically praying lovely words...but honestly and broken in spirit making my requests known to Him....and in all things asking for my heart to be changed to desire His will for my life.

That is the White Board element that makes it restoring time - prayer. Through camera lens and prayers of thanksgiving, or through window pane and tear smeared eyes, seeking Him with my all in all and desiring to see Him move, just a little bit closer .....

today

2011-03-24T16:34:00.000-05:00

lately i haven't been feeling like writing much. nothing is wrong, i've just been contemplative. my thoughts have been very deep, and somehow between my mind and my keyboard i'm losing my words (or my nerve) to write.

i'm ok with that. the past few months i've been delving into my life, my hobbies; determining who i am and what i do, and what is different between the two.

i've been learning that i need to let go of things that are "good" and hold on to things that are "most excellent" and sometimes i have a hard time telling the difference between the two...but i'm learning. what are the things that God allows me to do, and what did He create me to do? what are the most important things that i could accomplish in my life for His glory?

so today, for no particular reason, this thought came to mind;

"So often I'm praying for answers, healing, resolution, restoration, renewal. I'm looking for God to solve my issues, my problems, to make it all go away and leave me refreshed. More often I'm realizing that God just wants me to curl up close to Him and listen; wait it out with Him, take baby steps WITH Him..trusting Him to come through the trial with me..and for me to be changed more than the circumstances around me."

so this is what i'm learning. today.

Results

2011-03-08T23:45:00.000-06:00

We all want immediate results. No one likes being in a waiting room...unless it's delaying the inevitable!

My appointment went well today. I had the same technologist that I had a few weeks ago, and she did the magnified mammogram ("it WILL hurt - a pinch instead of a pressure, and it MAY bruise!") and also the ultrasound.

After the mammogram she showed me the area of concern - and at that point she said up front - it doesn't look like cancer - it's smooth and round and cancer has a spiky look to it where the blood vessels are going in and out of it. It's also clear, the same color of your breast tissue...cancer is usually opaque, you can't see through it. But sure enough there was that 6cm round, smooth, area that looked like a drop of oil sitting on a bowl of water...you can see it's there, but it doesn't look much different.

There was also a thought that it might be a lymph node, but the ultrasound ruled that out.

I still can not feel it, she said because it's too deep and because it's breast tissue encapsulated into this "wall" that my body has made for it.

But it's NOT cancer!! and I don't have to go back for a year!! :) YAY GOD!!!

Now Thursday I see the allergist/immunologist...prayers there for wisdom for him, patience for me, and that he'll have some divine insight as to what ALL the REST of my issues are (hives, swollen lymph nodes with rash/itching, asthma, anxiety, and now with no estrogen - also night sweats, hot flashes, and the normal menopausal symptoms. LOL

I think that God gave me such a great 49th year (my year of Jubilee) because He knew I'd need my strength for 50 - sort of the calm before the storm...

I trust Him.

Thanks so much for praying - I sure felt those prayers all week long, and never did I feel fearful - although I did have moments of *sighing* over the what if's.....

blessings,
marina

updated

2011-03-04T13:22:00.000-06:00

Appt. on Tuesday for repeat mammogram and ultrasound on right side. We'll know the results before we leave - God's so good!

resting in the midst of the storms of life...

2011-03-04T04:30:00.000-06:00

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”"

Matthew 11:28-30

there are few things as relaxing as resting in a warm, sunny spot on a couch, or the corner of my bed, when the sun is sitting in just the right spot.

it makes me feel like a cat, curled up for a nap...the peace it brings is complete. i have no problem falling asleep, knowing full well that it's cold outside in the spring air - but the sunny shine is growing warmth in that one spot, just for me. purrrrrr

just as easy, on a cold, blustery day, i can curl up under a cotton blanket and fall asleep to the sounds of rain on the window pane, tap tap tapping on the roof, clattering as it drips down the gutters. like a smooth jazz ensemble it will lull me to sleep. even thunder in the distance won't wake me....

but if my mind won't be quieted to hear the rhythm of the rain, if my body won't sit still in that sunny spot or i am too focused on all that this weather is keeping me from doing - i lose that moment. i completely skip over that blessing and see it as a curse. i MISS the blessing that God intended it to be for me.

sleep is essential to good health. rest is healing. naps are good. i am an 8 - 10 hour of sleep person and an avid dreamer, so sleeping to me is like going to the movies. i never know what is playing, but i often remember the dreams. it's a joke with my husband (who doesn't recall his dreams) and I. there have been times i've had to apologize as i awaken with a grudge against him, remnants of whatever he's done in the dream. poor guy doesn't stand a chance.

several years back i was dealing with a rough bout of depression. when a severe reaction to the medication abruptly ended my capacity to take any of that class of drugs (ssri) we had to reanalyze how to approach it. the solution (that's worked great) was to focus on getting the rest that i needed. if i don't sleep, i am stressed, if i stress then depression sets in, and the cycle going on, spiraling down. rest is my best med.

rest and relaxation is healing too. i think that's why it's important to allow yourself time to rest when recovering from illness. keeping a good mental outlook is important too, and that's hard to do when we're tired and cranky. it makes it hard for others to want to help us too!

i'm sitting on the cusp of something right now. dealing with 3+ years of hives and swollen lymph nodes, and the newer issues of asthma (with a few bouts of bronchitis and pneumonia this past winter), and now i get that wonderful note following my mammogram that more tests are needed.

i'm not afraid. i believe (firmly) that ALL things happen to bring God glory, and i know that He will be glorified through this process. in the uncertainty, the waiting, the tears and celebrations that lie ahead. i want Him to work in me and through me. He can heal me in all areas of my health, i welcome it!! and if He doesn't, then i know He has a purpose for this to happen. for me to share my story? to encourage someone in their faith? to bring my husband and i closer together in each moment? i don't know, but i welcome it all. use me Lord, in my frailty and brokenness, in my waiting, in my resting.

struggling in a waiting room is such a waste. even think of being in any other waiting situation....for a haircut, or the dentist office, or that last month of pregnancy...to struggle against it only creates more strife; makes us more miserable. when we live in that moment and enjoy that process then we can learn from it, flourish in it, bless others and be blessed.

i don't like being here, but i know not to fight it.

so rest i will. i'll live in the moment and chronicle my journey in these blog entries - even if it ends tomorrow with the simple "oops! we made a mistake!" moment. i know He can make this all go away....if that's His will. and if it's not, then i'll rest in the waiting rooms and go through the medical hoops and maybe even argue with doctors in a respectful way - seeking His will for whatever lies ahead; trusting Him more than i trust any doctor.

wow! a new journey to embark on...a little like our recent trip...i know where i want to end up (healthy and whole) but i'm not sure what the trip will look like to get there. i'm so glad God's got the map, and I can fall asleep in the back seat of the car, sunshine streaming in through the window, as He carries me down this road...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take."

Proverbs 3:5-6

On making a house a HOME...

2011-02-28T17:49:00.000-06:00

There's something sacred when you move into a new house - ok, not a brand new, builder's grade, pick out the carpeting colors house - but one that's new to you. One that bears the scars of misuse by years of other residents, one that has been abused - but has good bones.

I'm the painter in the family. I LOVE to paint! More than choosing colors and imagining what potential a room will hold, I love the immediacy of the change - instant gratification. I love seeing a new hue appearing on a wall, how it changes with the afternoon light, how it looks with things hung on the walls, furniture in place. I love the change.

About a year ago we were hunting for houses, making a move from Cassville, MO to Henderson, KY. We had lived in Cassville for 19 years...our kids were mostly raised there (minus a few years in GA and a partial year in AR). For better or worse, we lived in a grand total of SEVEN houses there... and a grand amount of cleaning up after people and covering a multitude of walls took place over all that time.

I'm not sure if it's because we moved so much, or because I was never really happy there, that it never felt like home. I always said it was my "40 years in the wilderness," those 19 years in SW MO. It was a season of growing closer to Mark, growing closer to God, and learning more about myself. I felt that once I (or someone near to me - I have no idea who) learned what it was that I/they were supposed to, I would be released from that area and in to the promised land....or at least to another area of the world to wander - until I learned my lessons there...here...

So, after a few months in an apartment (now THAT'S another blog spot all together) we moved into our small home. We opted to be content with small for a number of reasons, mostly being that we didn't want to be "house poor," and we had learned in the apartment that we (being Mark and I and Abbey the Wonderdog) didn't need a lot of space. A little house in a subdivision, enough yard to put a barrier around us and grow a little privacy, and a quaint neighborhood to grow in. We love where we live...although sometimes I long for a larger kitchen....just large enough to bring the rest of the stuff in from out in the garage... seat a group around the table without having to squeeze against the wall....but those times happen so few that it's really ok here. Really.

If you've ever bought a "used" house you know the fantasy....all the things that you want to do "soon" (but realistically don't get done until just before you put the house on the market to sell). My list included a lot of painting (of course), new flooring (mostly done), and a complete landscaping overhaul to make the house look more like a French garden than a tract home...needless to say, I've placed my order with Burpee Seed to see what I can cultivate here.

A can of paint can do so much good. Recently I knocked off one of my goals and got rid of the hideous front door color - which was as close as I can describe as dried blood. Usually, in every other house I've resided in the past 15 years, I've opted for a berry red color - bright (but not too bright), warm (but not too orange) and inviting. This house, with brownish brick and tan siding, looking like every other house on the block, needed something different. Something to make it stand out. The fact that it sat back in an alcove (which is great to keep you dry while you're coming in the house) made it yell "bright" a bit more. I had chosen a very mellow barely apricot color, but Mark said it was too white. The second coat is definitely apricot. I hope it YELLS "WELCOME!! COME ON IN!!" : )

The shutters are down from the brickwork and awaiting their turn to be changed from that dried blood red color to a welcoming almost teal...trendy, sure...but also welcoming and bright. The garage door will be soon to follow.

I have flower seeds ordered that will also highlight these colors, bringing the total look together. I'm not a fan of shrubbery, but recognize the need to have some mainstays in a garden. I'm hoping that in time we can pull things out (including a tree in the front yard - a nice tree - but not the RIGHT tree!) and replace them with hydrangeas and Eastern Redbud's, perennials to take root and a bevy of annuals that will reseed themselves and surprise me with their seasonal blooms.

So, small kitchen and all...this is home.

I'm blessed with a group of friends here that have all moved from someplace else. Some of them still call the last place they lived "home." They'll say, "I'm going back home for the weekend" or "I want to go home."

One of them asked me the other night, where I hoped to "end up." My first response was heaven (no duh), and then I said "wherever He leads me"...the truth. See, many people still call where they came from "home", but I know that for whatever season, no matter how long it lasts, home is where I am. I can change the color of the walls, rearrange furniture, plant a garden...and it's home. It's where I go to every night, and wake up at every morning. It's where I long to be in a rainstorm, and where I want to make memories with my grandkids (who all live someplace else).

It's home, simply stated, even if I still have a long list of things to do...

Forgiveness, permission to forgive, and forget??

2011-02-24T11:50:00.002-06:00

In response to Bonnie Gray at http://FaithBarista.com on *forgiveness*:

I am an extra *mature woman* in a class meant for young moms on Wednesday mornings at church. Our pastor's wife leads a break-out class for these ladies called "Focusing on Family" and she does a great job in preparing a weekly study for us to do, in conjunction to the chapter that we read each week on our own. It's a great time of fellowship, encouragement, and memories for me as I dredge through the memories of when I was a young mom...MANY years ago!!

Yesterday, after class, one of the young mom's asked when we could have a conversation on "In-Laws". I cringed. This is not a topic that I can offer much encouragement in....and I filled her in on the details, expanding that for the record, my experience with my own parental units isn't much better.

The hope came in the fact that I think that it is completely normal for parents/children/grandchildren to not get along. Especially, and this is the key, when one generation (or another) is following Jesus, and the others are not (and worst when the older ones are not).

I'm going to post an article that relates to this to the bottom of the page, and continue to write while I have my thoughts on it...

My father and I are very different - we used to be very much the same, but then I met Jesus - and I was changed - a LOT - and as I continue to walk with Him and adhere to His teachings, my relationship with my earthly father deteriorates. I struggled with it for years, many of them living just 15 miles away and inviting him over for every imaginable reason, wanting to have family, and being denied it because of what he and his current wife wanted (he's in his 4th marriage). After some good godly friend advice, a few months in therapy, and a LOT of prayer, I realized that I had done everything I could do to be a "good daughter" and that the problem wasn't mine, it was his. I was making his problem mine, and I had to allow myself to forgive and accept that we don't - and won't - have a close relationship. It was ok, until we moved. Then he laid a guilt trip on me (manipulation is key with him/them) about us being so far away (when they won't see us in the same town?) and how would we be available to help (when they don't allow us to now anyways). I picked up the "good daughter banner" again, although with less enthusiasm, and made the move with my husband - and it's been great.

Jump to my in-law relationship. My own mom died when I was almost 13 and so I was thrilled to have such a great mother in law when Mark and I married. Unfortunately, she was not thrilled to get me - at least initially - but once the grandkids all came around she was a gracious grandmother and mother in law, and I enjoyed several years of friendship. I loved her, admired her, and although she is not a follower of Jesus, I enjoyed "spiritual discussions" with her and prayed for her to see the truth of Jesus. In most ways, I revered her as my "mom", since my own dad had gone through another marriage/divorce and marriage. When my father-in-law died, we drew especially close...it was very special season of life shared.

When she entered into a relationship with another man, we had reservations, and were honest about them. When an unfortunate incident occurred, something I won't go in to here in detail, but one that caused great emotional pain for me, she pulled out all her "true feelings for me" and poured them into emails that were heartbreaking even more. It was painfully communicated that she never did approve of me, hiding her feelings; then accusing me of "always" manipulating situations, doing/saying anything to be the center of attention, and driving a wedge to keep her and her son apart. I was floored. This was never an intention (we had even discussed her living with us as she got older), never my motivation.

Not only was I brought through emotional trauma of a former abusive situation, but I lost my closest relationship with the person I considered my "mom", and found out she despised me. Then, months later, when I finally gave in to share the situation with my father, he misunderstood a statement that I referred to on this abuse, and he brought up a declaration that he himself had abused me! I was shattered even more, but it shed light on so much of my confused past, and I finally understood so much more. I now knew why he didn't bring charges against the man who abused me as a child, why he never took me to counseling, to a doctor. I understood why whenever I did something wrong I was met with "you haven't done anything worse than what I've done", and why each of his wives were so much younger than he, the last one not much older than me (and younger than my half sisters). I still don't recall any incidents with him, leading me to believe that it was either so traumatic I've blocked it from memory, or that I was drugged - this was the era of "sex, drugs, rock and roll" in Southern California.

I understood too, why God allowed the distance to be placed between my family and my dad - for whatever reason it would be - it protected my own children and I now don't have to worry about them being made a victim of his abuse. The hurt I felt for not having a great relationship with him, for not having him there to see the kids on holidays and enjoy seeing their accomplishments growing up, suddenly became God's protection.

So, forgiveness...where did it all come into play??

I had forgiven my abuser when i first became a Christian - confessing my own sin and the role that Satan played in perpetuating it, I recognized that my abuser was also caught up in a web of addiction that Satan cast out. I had to own up to my decisions, but realizing the source of those behaviors - how could I not forgive the one that hurt me?? A few years later he became a believer!!

I had forgiven my mother in law, as painful as it was, and her life partner. I would not, could not, allow myself to be put in a compromising spot again - but she also has chosen to not see us without him. We are at an impasse. (for the record, a few of our family members, including my husband, were not fond of some of his inappropriate language/actions before the unfortunate incident, so this was just frosting on the cake). Even if this didn't happen, we wouldn't be vacationing with him/them.

I had to forgive my dad and his actions of years ago, and the woman he was living with at that time, for allowing something like that to have happened. It is water under the bridge, and history could not be changed...it was what it was, and he was still my dad.

I had to forgive myself, again, for all the years I didn't trust His will in all of this; for fighting for family meals and get togethers. For wanting to have relationship with an earthly family more than a heavenly one. For placing my heart in the hands of imperfect humans instead of trusting God with the details of family - and seeing the wonderful Christian family He consistently placed around me to love me and my family.

So, forgiveness is paramount. Unforgiveness can drive a wedge between God and ourselves, another thing that keeps us from communion with Him. I wasn't willing to have that.

The funny thing? Those that I admire most in their Christian Walk, those that seemingly have it all together, and have wonderful relationship with their kids at home, we share something in common. Almost always, they too have fractured families. Satan seems to like to attack our family unit. So I'll keep serving Jesus, loving my imperfect family on their terms while protecting my life/heart/body. I'll trust God to put mentor/leaders in my life to guide me and set an example, and continue to pray for my earthly family that need Jesus love so much - to fill their lonliness, to be their life partners - for them to not be believers - but FOLLOWERS - of Jesus. That is my prayer.

And it's ok for me to leave some distance between us...a little space for God to work...on me too...

"“Don’t imagine that I came to bring peace to the earth! I came not to bring peace, but a sword. ‘I have come to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. Your enemies will be right in your own household!’

“If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you refuse to take up your cross and follow me, you are not worthy of being mine. If you cling to your life, you will lose it; but if you give up your life for me, you will find it.” Matthew 10:34-39

It can be so hard to get along with family members - I think that this problem has gone on as long as man has walked the earth!

Sometimes we’re surprised when situations arise, especially if we have good memories of peaceful times, but Jesus reminds us that He made it this way. After all, if we got along too well, we might put our love for our family above our love for Him.

I think too, that He intended it to be this way so that we would turn to Him during times that we would want to turn to others. How often we want to ask and take other’s opinions and advice to heart, when possibly we are simply to turn to our Savior and wait on His movement in our lives.

Recently I heard a teaching on who we are wanting God to be for us. The pastor pointed out how we often are wanting God to provide a matchmaker, a career counselor, a financial advisor or a marriage counselor for us...but what God gave us - through Jesus - was a Savior. THAT is what we need the most, and if we draw near to Him, believe His words, follow His teachings and examples - THEN all these other things will be taken care of. It might not be in the standards we are wanting today, and He may change our hearts (and priorities) to reflect the influence He is having in our lives, but He WILL provide.

Often we treat our parents, or children, the same way. We confide in them, expect them to meet all our needs, are disappointed when they let us down, and hold them to an unrealistic standard. I think that sometimes we get in the way of the work that God is trying to do in our family. I’m convicted of this often in my own life, and see the strife it causes in relationships. Perhaps this is why Jesus spoke this teaching to us, to remind us that we are always called to loved HIM more than our own family members.

Although this is the “month of love”, perhaps we ought to turn our hearts to the One that loves us the best, knows our deepest needs, and created us to worship Himself. Instead of asking Him to be our matchmaker, our marriage counselor, or any of the other “positions” we expect Him to be, let’s simply love Him as our Savior, with “all our heart, soul, strength, and mind...” (Luke 10:27).

Grace and peace,

Auntie Em"

(Connection Magazine of SW Missouri; February edition C2011)

On Permission to be Loved...

2011-02-23T16:15:00.001-06:00

Bonnie, over at the Faith Barista Blog, is focusing on "love" this month...and this week is writing on the topic of giving permission to be loved...something dear to my heart.

See, in my early years, before knowing who Jesus was, or that He loved me, or what church was all about, I knew the need to be loved. I don't know if it was genes, or homelife, or a rough childhood with inappropriate relationships (not sought out...too young of me to have thought of that), I knew I needed love...that I craved it...needed it.

Without going into a lot of detail right now, I grew up lonely. I remember sitting alone, rocking myself, bumping my head up against a wall. I remember rocking, curled up in a recliner, I remember wishing that I knew that someone cared. It makes me sad, and sick, to remember these things and to think that no one knew something was wrong...but that's another topic.

SO, for whatever reason, I was always wanting this unconditional love. I knew "conditional" - it was what happened in my everyday life. It should have come from my mom, but for whatever reason it didn't (she died when I was pre-teen from cancer), and I wanted it from my dad - but never felt it was the right kind of love, and tried to fill other things, people, places, in that gap. Nothing fit. It was a round whole and all I had was square pegs.

It wasn't until my LATE teen years, that in a desperate moment I cried out..."IF there is a God, you have to reveal yourself to me...cause I can't live like this any more...". Then HE met me there, wrapped His arms around me, and held me.

Although it took me a few more years to see Him at work around me, find the right church, get plugged in, it happened. I was baptized, I finally knew what that love was about. He fit! Instantly!!

I know that He always wanted to love me...His love was always there for me to take - I only needed to learn of it and accept it.

Compared to human love, His love is so much more - unconditional, never ending, long-suffering (important with me!!), perfect. Now I have to remember to not expect the people I love to provide that same type of love, and for me to try to mimic His love as much as possible to others....something I am still working on....or rather something He is working on me still...it's a life long process...but He's got time...

photos from florida

2011-02-08T22:34:00.000-06:00

Someone went to Florida, and all you got was to see their photos....

Ch-ch-ch-changes....

2011-02-08T09:20:00.000-06:00

The beautiful thing about not having a plan set in stone, is that it can be changed easily. Over the past few days we've talked about if we should stay longer, leave today, head in another direction and see what we could find. We've talked about driving back a different way, driving up to see our grandgirls, driving to another location and staying another few nights.

As of now, we're leaving today. There's only so much you can do in a hotel room, and it's too cold outside for me to be comfortable (our windy afternoon pics left me "breathless" - literally and figuratively - as my asthma flared). I know we're headed towards home, but don't know what we'll find along the way...so I can't say when we'll get there...and I'll enjoy every moment of the journey...and every moment we've spent here too...I'll continue to enjoy each moment we're together...for even though it still feels like we have a week ahead of us, I know how quickly these first 27 years have gone by.

Love is different now...I can find those starry eyed moments...passionate kisses that leave me breathless and amazed at how blessed I am to be married to Mark; but more so, I live in this "everyday love" of deep appreciation for all the little things - things beyond bringing home a paycheck (although I greatly appreciate that too!) but the everydayness of seeing each other first thing in the morning - when my hair had a party the night before, with morning breath and stinky feet, with asthma that renders me no fun at all, and aging bodies and receding hairlines. This is love.

Twenty years ago it was sick kids (and sick me!), and ball game schedules, and dirty dishes stacked in the sink...too many hours at work and wondering if it was worth getting out of sweats. Ten years ago it was sending girls to college, and ball game schedules, and wondering what was next on our horizon, and where...and juggling schedules for work and trying to make some time for us.

Now this is life: No kids at home, aging bodies, understanding work schedule, and nothing more important than finding time together. I know too soon what season looms ahead...and I want to cherish this season, since all the others sped by too quickly.

I'm so grateful for God's steadfast love for us all this time. How He has held us near, heard our prayers, prompted us to move when He opened the door, prepares our hearts for what lies ahead. Thank You God for these 27 years with Mark. Thank you for memories of difficult seasons, and happy days. Thanks for the joy of babies born and the times you grew our faith as we prayed bedside for "everything to be ok". Thanks for the seasons we were joined at the hips, and the seasons You've used us alone. Thanks for teaching us the difference between loving, and being in love, and growing both of them on the foundation of Your love. Solid. True.

I know that it doesn't take fancy gifts, or elaborate vacations, or even a ton of time together to build a happy marriage. It takes a heart that can forgive, a willingness to be changed, and living the way God's called us to live - in devotion to Him first, and in commitment to each other in marriage.

I pray that we'll cling to Him in the next 27 years, and survive whatever hardships we need to to be able to celebrate another year in another way.

Oh, and for the record - we never really took a honeymoon, never made a big deal out of our anniversaries all those years...there were things that came up, life that needed to be lived and things that needed to be done for work and so they got done. This is the first time I can remember specifically setting time aside for us to take an anniversary trip, and I'm not completely sure that this is what it is - but more than likely it just happened to fall into place for us to call it that now. That's ok. If we stay home the next 27 years on our anniversary, I know it doesn't mean that Mark loves me less....our love isn't like that. :)

Get A Way...

2011-02-07T10:16:00.000-06:00

When our kids were younger, there was always a retreat on the horizon - whether for our kids to attend, or for us to sponsor, we were always going on a get away.

Now days, Mark may have a trip he needs to take occasionally, and I've had a few missions things to get to go to, but it's not with the same mindset of being restored and renewed in our spiritual walk.

Sometimes I would like to be a kid, and catch that same wave of enthusiasm that kids come back with from summer camp! Of course, maturing in Christ also means learning to reside in that spot on the mountain top, in and out of season...so daily my walk is closer to that spot - but I still long for the outpouring of love that you feel in that spot.

Mark and I had decided a few months ago that we would take an "us vacation" this year. Our whole married life (all 27 years of them) there have only been a few times that we did something away for "us". One time Mark had to work in Puerto Rico and his mom came to stay with the kids so I could join him for a few days (out of the month or so he was there). Since he got up and worked every day, while I lay on the beaches, dodging showers and soaking sunshine, I guess that one didn't really count... Oh, but a few years later, I think it was the first year that we moved to MO, we took all his frequent flier miles, and all his hotel rewards, and flew to the Bahamas for a weekend. We were broke and couldn't afford anything more than a few days of the "all inclusive" trip....but we got away!

Since then, we have had some great times together, but they have been kid driven (all those sports activity trips, and even our BIG trip to Asia!!), or grand-kid driven (gotta see those kids every now and again!!), or work driven...which is always a blessing when they pick up the tab! For whatever reason, we just haven't put much time into taking "us" on the road, just to spend time together.
But we did this time.

NOW.

So Mark put this week on the calendar at work, set aside this time for us to get away. We didn't know where...he thought of doing a cruise, then he thought of going to Myrtle Beach, but we couldn't settle on any destination. The requirements were this: warm weather (well, warmer than it's been at home), a large body of water (waves preferred), and no family or friends allowed. This time, it was going to be about us....just the 2 of us!

We literally didn't know where we'd end up till we were driving in our car and coming to a point of having to choose the fork in the road: go east to the coast, or south to the gulf. We decided to go south, only because the weather would be a little warmer.

We didn't have a hotel, and after making a few phone calls and using our smart phone to surf for deals, we decided to wait till we got there...got here. I feebly stated my wish-list-prayer to God as we gave up on the phone calling..."hotel on the beach, beach front room, king size bed, non-smoking, breakfast included for under $$$."

We arrived in Pensacola Beach by a series of deductions (instead of the Orange Beach, AL area), and started driving the strand...we went west first, past a few huge hotels, one with no balconies and one with "Margaritaville" in the name...(pass on that), and then turned around and headed in the other direction. LOTS of high rise, big name hotels. For whatever reason, Mark chose the Marriott, and went in to see what the rates were...if there were any deals to be had.

Of course, he came out with exactly what we needed...all our needs met - and because of the special "buy 2 nights get 1 free" deal, we got it for the price we'd hoped for overall. God's so good!!
We've enjoyed the lazy days of beach front living. We've reminisced about our own young married life living near the Pacific Ocean, talked about the storms at sea, and the ones we've weathered in marriage, and we've been able to re-connect with each other in life, and in marriage. I highly recommend getting away every now and again - just the two of you - to remind each of you why it was that you fell in love with each other in the first place...

The sunny skies of yesterday have given way to the rainy ones today, and yet the turquoise waters of the gulf are as beautiful as ever. Winds are whipping the white caps, pushing them with a frenzy on the shore...the sun is slowly trying to push out from the clouds...we may have a lovely afternoon...but for now it's cool and windy...

Oh, and for the record...you don't have to spend every waking moment together doing a list of things prepared for you to do...even now, while I'm blogging, Mark is out beach-combing...looking for a whole sand dollar as big as the broken pieces we saw on the beach all day yesterday. Now, I'm going to lay down and hunker under the covers and take a little nap...until he comes back with all his treasures...

All About Dating...

2011-02-03T06:04:00.000-06:00

Well, Bonnie over at Faith Barista wanted the topic to be "what I wish someone told me about dating" - but that would be too many years ago for me to remember that...so I'll put a twist on it...throw in some parenting...and blog away....

I love Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)
Guard your heart, above all else; for it determines the course of your life.

How I wish I could instill this in each young person today...well, every person younger than me! : ) We so often are rushing young people into the dating world, to have boyfriends/girlfriends way too early, even setting up our toddlers for future romances. I know, a lot of it is done in fun, and I did it myself when my kids were young, but I don't know that it's the right foundation for them to build upon. I think we're teaching them really young that they NEED to have a relationship to be ok...to be normal...when in fact the normal is to be completely sold out for Jesus!!

OH, I know, I hear readers all over the globe in a collective moan of "oh no" over my thoughts..."she's one of THOSE..." - and that's ok. I've raised my kids, we've had one selectively date (married now 6 2/3 years), one choose to do courtship (married 6 1/2 years), and ONE is still dating... which is the hardest on me...honestly!!

I have a lot of thoughts on dating...but I want to focus on laying a foundation for dating - that verse in Proverbs.

People date for a lot of reasons...for me it was the cultural revolution of the 70's that I grew up in in Southern CA. I was not raised in a Christian home, and there wasn't a good role model in my life to show me what proper dating was about. We hung out, did drugs, and got into trouble...we didn't "date". Because of my skewed mental state, every relationship - in my mind - was going to end in a marriage. I was looking for something to fill that whole in my heart, and a man was the only thing I knew to put in that spot....and they didn't fit...no matter how hard I tried to make them.

After I became a believer, and then a follower, of Jesus Christ, I began to learn that HE fit that spot in my heart! It took a while for me to realize that He needed to stay there, the throne of my heart was for Him alone, and it was trial and error before I understood that it wasn't a loveseat - meant to be shared - but only for Jesus.

So, what is the purpose of dating in your life?? I was trying to find someone to meet my needs (there isn't one around), to build a relationship with (it takes time, HIS timing), and eventually marry (ok). I thought he would provide financially for me (they try, but ultimately it's God's doing), wanted to have a family (again God's doing), and all the while have that pretty little house with the white picket fence to call home (which shouldn't be where I store my treasures, but in heaven alone).

My point is this. Fall in love with Jesus. Let Him be your best friend, your boyfriend, the love of your life. Let Him be your Father too...since that's where we model after...and it would be better to have His imprint on your heart than any earthly man (even if he is godly, if he is a God follower, he would want you to seek someone like Jesus to marry). Get really comfortable with Jesus, because I promise you, even after marriage, you'll spend a lot of time with Him - or at least we SHOULD.

OOOhhh...I almost went there ...across the marriage bridge - but I'll wait till next week when we post on what we knew about marriage....

Back to dating:
Spend time with Jesus - and the reason that's so important is this - if you hang out in your Bible, get to know those God qualities well, then that's what you'll start to look for in your friendships, and ultimately you will recognize them in your future spouse. You'll see Jesus in him, and that's a good place to start. You might see the fruits of the spirit, like love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control. You'll see him behave in a way that Jesus might. You'll see him treat you with respect, not because he wants to impress you, but because he sees that YOU are a daughter of THE King, and he'll see Jesus at work in you.

So, the verse in Proverbs is important, because if you don't guard your heart - you'll give it away, in bits and pieces (every time you date or have a relationship) and when you DO get to THE ONE, there might not be much left to give him. And if your heart is like a dowry, and you don't have much left to give THE ONE, what will that man be like - will he have much to give you in return?? Will he cherish you, or will you not be of much worth, not have much left to give him? I think that's the "course of your life" part of the verse.

Be sure of who you are. God loves you. He created you with a purpose and a plan, and if you walk with Him in obedience, He will reveal the plan to you in His time. Be content in singleness, even if it's your hearts' desire to be married...He won't forget. In His time He will reveal it to you, but don't ever let a man's love replace the relationship you have with Jesus...the right man will love you all the more for it, and he will be happy to be #2 in your heart.

this is your spiritual act of worship

2011-02-03T05:07:00.000-06:00

I've been out of sorts lately...not trying to be...but dealing with the whole diagnosis of asthma, and catching every bug in this winter system, has had me down. I have felt all along that this is either spiritual warfare, or God is trying to teach me something - how opposite can you get??? - and usually just floundering in between. I don't doubt God's ability to heal, allow illness, or use it for our benefit - and ultimately I believe that ALL things in life, whether good or bad, exist to bring Him glory. It's not about me, it's all about Jesus!

So these past few months, I'm sort of getting knocked around a bit more than usual, and not quite sure what this all means. I hesitated to write/blog about any of it as it has been an emotional roller coaster, and there are plenty of folks on those right now...lol..no need to ask anyone to stand in THAT line!! And yet, in a more recent revelation, as I sit in my twice filtered air, running humidifiers and taking pills, using my inhalers, and getting through a cold to boot, it hits me - WRITE.

Oh GOSH!! HOW can I be SO stupid sometimes?? How many times have I found myself at this EXACT spot, like a plot that we see in a whole list of movies - same story, different scenery - and this is my life. WRITE.

See, God's gifted me many ways (I believe He has gifted ALL of us many ways!!) but sometimes I lose the forest for the trees.

Do you remember in the movie "Little Women" with Wynona Ryder, and he's telling her how she should have been a teacher...and she responded "There's a great many things I should have been..." or something like that... That's how I feel. There are SO many things I CAN do...but not all of them are what I was MADE to do...I was made to write.

I wrote when I was a little kid...I loved it. I loved writing (dramatic as it was) as an adolescent, as a teen. I was writing and posting in an online group as soon as I was on a computer...posting devotionals and writing my heart out. I was MADE to write.

(haha...I HOPE He also created people MADE to read...)

My problem is that I love doing other things too, and I'm ABLE to do other things. I love organizing events, helping people create and run things, making phone calls and visiting. I enjoy getting to know people, spending time asking questions and making them feel like they are the only person in the room. I love encouraging people, finding how God's equipped them and praying with them to see what He wants to do with those gifts. I love to travel, to quilt, to paint and do photography, to cook, to serve others....and He equipped me to do all these things...but usually they all serve as a distraction to what I'm supposed to be doing...WRITING.

So, my word for the year this year is "Intentional" - to do things on purpose - not on accident, not haphazardly, not halfway...but with specific design. And although it's taken me a month to figure how this is played out in my life - I'm here - back on the blog and typing up a storm.

For me, writing - this year - is a spiritual act of worship.

Great is Thy Faithfulness...

2010-12-14T11:48:00.000-06:00

I woke up singing this favorite hymn this morning...

"Great is Thy faithfulness," O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

"Great is Thy faithfulness!" "Great is Thy faithfulness!"
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
"Great is Thy faithfulness," Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

It has been a favorite truth to stand on for a long time...but I really needed the "spiritual kick in the butt" this morning.

I'm still soaking in the last verse - Pardon, peace, presence, cheer, guide, strength and HOPE. Keywords to live by today, tomorrow, and I'm sure through the holiday season.

Peace to you as you celebrate His birth, and live in the knowledge that He loves you!!

It's all about .... um... Jesus!!

2010-12-07T15:00:00.000-06:00

It was never meant to be about clever marketing and fad items...giving just for the sake of giving...or raising our kids expecting to receive...oh goodness!

It breaks my heart to see people, out of work, out of money, and still scraping together EVERYTHING they can to "give their kids a good Christmas"....they'll not have adequate food on their table, but there will be gifts from Santa under the tree.

I can almost see Saint Nicholas rolling over in his grave...this is not what he intended either. Stand up people!! Find your spiritual backbone!

OK - so I'm a Christmas nut - but before you write me off you have to know the journey He took me on...from a spoiled So Cal girl that grew up in a house where it was ok to lie (starting with Santa), to a broken hearted, wounded life young adult that discovered the TRUE meaning of Christmas as the little church down the roads steeple bells pealed carols at midnight on Christmas Eve. It hit me then - Christmas was all about Jesus. ALL about Jesus. All ABOUT Jesus. PERIOD.

And through raising kids; arguing with grandparents about why it's ok to "not do Santa" (we'd rather the kids know that the gifts were from you...than to lie to them...), through teaching the kids that it's ok for others to "do Santa" (we respect you and trust you with the truth, and in a few years they will know the truth too, but it's not up to you to tell them), to realizing that others may not have those same convictions, and trusting God to allow the kids (and their now spouses) to set their own holiday traditions (so far no one is "doing Santa").

Isn't Jesus' birth ENOUGH reason to celebrate??

BE INTENTIONAL - in how you prepare for the season, how you spend the day, who you spend the day with! Put a plan together and stick to it!! Don't give in! If gift giving must be a part of it (and that's not all together wrong - just keep it in budget and in control ) then make it intentional, draw names if there's a group of people coming, or do a "white elephant" gift drawing - or something more community minded (please bring $20 - or canned food - or whatever - to donate to our local church/charity/foodbank to celebrate the birth of our Savior).

Start something new, and BIG!! We get caught up in the lights, commercials, newer/bigger/better THINGS that are saved to reveal in this season. We're suckers. Recognize the fact that we are sucked into the lies of society that we deserve all this stuff, that we need it, that anyone else needs it, that it determines our worth and tells others what we think of them. IT'S WRONG that we are so emotionally tied to this whole gift thing. Most will go into debt to "prove" our love for someone else - why?? We'll dig ourselves out all year long to get our debt into line to do it again next year....so not worth it. For a fraction of the cost, we can provide clean drinking water for a village all year long...for several years! Check out The Advent Conspiracy , or join in with others to adopt a Compassion International child for the year, or commit to a local giving opportunity.

The whole idea is to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. Think out of the box. Start a NEW trend in Christmas gifting.

Some of our favorite things over the years have been: baking cookies/treats for friends, serving at a homeless shelter on Christmas Day, preparing food and serving/delivering for Meals on Wheels on Christmas Day, inviting International Students into our home for their first real Christmas, having a "Happy Birthday Jesus" party with cake and ice cream, giving unexpected gifts to people we didn't know well - just to bless them, sharing our home with people who didn't have family (or many friends) to share the day with....

I'm sure that it will look special and different in your home, but it has to start with you. Pray about it!! Rarely, if EVER, have I heard someone say "Oh, I prayed about it, and Jesus told me to spend lots of money, go into debt and buy my family/extended family/friends TONS of junk!!" Nah. It's not going to happen. Seek His heart and His will for this Christmas Season. It IS, after all, ALL ABOUT HIM.

OK. I'll get off my soapbox now.
Merry Christmas!!
Happy Birthday Jesus!!

Cross Cultural Workers and holiday blues...

2010-12-01T14:52:00.000-06:00

This is such a hard time of year for those who have family scattered around the globe. Whether they are in harms way doing battle, or serving our Lord in a foreign land, or working for a company or a NPO - just being apart from family and friends can be hard on both sides of this global scene.

Recently I got a letter from our friends and partners in ministry, B. and S. O. who serve with a missions group in the capacity that assists families whose children are serving abroad. They wrote about a recent seminar that they attended on Mental Health and Missionary Care for those serving abroad, but I believe that their lesson learned applies to all of us who have friends or family working abroad. They wrote:

"We were attending the Mental Health and Missions Conference in IN, which was excellent. One of the workshops we attended was on "Attachments", the speaker is a psychologist and spent several years on the field working with missionaries. From his experience, he told us that those missionaries who knew they (the missionary) was on the mind of someone at home on a daily basis were the missionaries that had the least amount of stress. He went on the say that the missionary knew if they were on the mind of someone, that someone was probably also praying for them. If you have not told your children and grandchildren that you are praying for them and you really are praying for them, please let them know. What an encouragement this can be to your missionary family plus it can decrease their stress!! God is good."

So as friends, family members, church workers, prayer warriors, member care people, missions agencies, (ok, I'm finding it hard to NOT find a person who would not bless someone by doing this!), let's all please PRAY for our workers abroad, and be sure to tell them (in a safe way, if needed), that we ARE praying for them!

For those of you that know someone who is grieving the holidays here in the U.S. while their "worker/loved one" is away, let us remember to also PRAY for THEM, and tell them that we are praying! It wasn't mentioned, but I believe that the benefits will work both ways.

I think that ultimately, WE will be blessed to be used by God in such an instrumental way...

Christmas Blessings,

Marina

Catching my breath...

2010-11-30T13:49:00.000-06:00

This time of year we hear that a lot..."if I could only stop for a moment to catch my breath..." - and I wish mine was JUST that easy!

My Oct. sinus infection, November respiratory cold that threw my asthma so off, now has me welcoming December with something a bit more daunting...but I don't know what to call it - since the Dr. yesterday didn't give me a name to call it....well, not exactly.

(it's the ONE thing I don't like about our dr. office - no receipt at the end of a visit that's coded with the diagnosis...grrr...why does that bring me so much comfort??)

But I really like the doctor and staff, and feel thankful that God took my HUGE medical phobia and put me in one place that has done a great job in the 2 months I've known them...and the first medical help we've needed since we made our move... I had been so healthy!!

So this appt yesterday, the one with no diagnosis, has a list of doctor's orders, and i learned a lot...like my 3 day old headache was being caused by not getting enough oxygen...because I couldn't catch my breath. What I have might be pleurisy - since I'm wheezing on one side, it hurts to breathe on that side, and I'm relieved when I lay on that side; or it might just be pneumonia. My cough is nasty. I'm exhausted from it.

So bedrest, yes - permission to sleep 12+ hours a day all week long, 3 weeks on Prednisone (please pray for my husband as this makes me just a teensy tiny bit emotional...like PMS emotions...which we haven't had to deal with in a while...), 3 days of powerful antibiotics, and a lot of other meds that I take all the time now for my recently found asthma....singulair, inhaler, thyroid med, etc.

And in the midst of all this, I slept through Thanksgiving Day - allowing my daughter and husband to do all the cooking without passing a recipe or making a decision. It was easier than I expected to withdraw from that role, but it helped that I didn't care at all! (Thanks Mark and Jessica for doing such a great job!!)

I missed visiting with the kids, and getting to know Jason's new girlfriend, and walking the 5k Turkey Trot that we had spoken about since spring, but I'm so glad I didn't go and walk in the pouring rain, and am so proud of Mark, Becky, Jessica and Joshua for taking it on! Maybe next year I can join in...as long as it's not raining, or snowing....

Now my home is lacking any evidence of "Christmastime is Near"... except if I play the song from my playlist - it IS my favorite Christmas song ever. If it's not a familiar title to you, think Charley Brown Christmas...the song that plays in the background that's sort of slow and melancholy - even though the lyrics are special and sincere.

I WANT to have my house decorated, but just thinking of it wears me down....just like sitting on the couch as I type on my laptop - WHO KNEW it would wear me out just to type?? Just to breathe?? But it does....I can hardly keep my eyes open now...so I should go work on putting in my 12 hours for today...

No matter what your home looks like, may you feel His Spirit of Christmas there...and may your heart feel the nearness of Him as we celebrate Jesus' birth....

Praying for our Adult Children...

2010-11-21T21:17:00.000-06:00

The National Missionary Convention was, again, an amazing opportunity to hear some great teaching, be encouraged in my walk with God, and to be inspired to engage in missions in my own life.

Before leaving for the convention, I had purchased a book for Mark and I to "do" together - "The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children" by Stormie Omartian. Often I'll pick up a book, and it will take us months, even years, to get started on it (or through it!). But the overwhelming, resounding cry of "PRAY!!" that I heard over and over again at the NMC compelled me to sit down with Mark tonight, and we began to read this book together.

I realize that no book, besides the Bible, holds all the answers, but for parents that have stopped praying for our adult children, this book is a great resource of scripture to set us on a path to begin to pray again. Not only does it direct us TO DO it, but gives a good foundation of how to tear down spiritual strongholds to free us to pray effectively for them, ridding ourselves of the guilt of parenting errors, the bondage of unforgiveness and allowing us to resume our Biblical right to speak truth and light into their lives.

Our job as parents never ends, and I'm grateful that Mrs. Omartian has reminded me of this! Although we have prayed continually for our children's needs, for God's direction for their lives and ministries, and of course when trouble prevailed - this book is an effective guide to lead us to pray again as parents - not for our little kids - but for our adult children.

I recognize that some parents are living in fear for their children's lives, for their ministries, and I recommend that they allow themselves to delve into the Word, to use this book as a prayer guide to pray for their kids, and to put it into practice. To read it, and PRAY it with your spouse, will bring you closer together, closer to God, and you will feel the peace of God settle your spirit.

Be blessed...

This week...

2010-11-18T23:40:00.000-06:00

After being sick in bed for a week plus, and on meds that were making me sicker - I'm actually feeling a bit better...although I don't sound better...

So, I'm in Lexington, KY at the National Missionary Convention. Love it here. I'll write more in a few days once I'm back home...

Thanks for the prayers...healing, God moving, for me to listen 2x more than I talk...He is faithful (even if He has to take my voice away to accomplish the last... ; )

blessings,
marina

Right Now DOES Matter!!

2010-11-13T06:40:00.000-06:00

(This was written in response to Bonnie Gray's Faith Barrista Blog, entitled "Right Now Matters And So Do You; Surviving the In Between Times" which was posted at http://www.incourage.me this morning)

First off, LOVE your thoughts, stories, and spiritual truths. Thanks for sharing and inspiring us.

Second: recipes girl…you told us how to make the bad chicken…how about some “real” good Chinese recipes! (My daughter and son in law just returned from 3 years of school there, I’d love to surprise them with a real authentic meal!!)

Third: my first response was that I’m too busy to be “in between” right now…but that’s my bigger picture. My calendar this week says I have a conference tomorrow (which is now TODAY) from 9-4, church at 5:45 PM, and will be at a convention from Wednesday – Sunday for missions. In my spare time I’m preparing for the workshop I’m leading (“Help! My child wants to go into missions!”) and preparing the menu for cooking for 25 Missions Ministers while they meet off sight. I’m busy!!

But then this still, small voice reminded me that I’ve been sick and in bed all week, and that the new medication added to my regiment is not allowing me to sleep….not a wink. I’m sorta stuck in one of those spots now.

My attendance at the conference is canceled and I’ll likely skip church…though if I feel better Sunday I’ll go then. For now, being able to heal, rest, and sleep if/when it comes is paramount. In my sleepless time tonight I lay awake listening to God, praying about today’s activities and the week ahead. Twice He spoke clearly enough to force me to pull the laptop on the bed and write out new notes in my outline. He’s using my season of waiting to prepare for the season of harvest. That’s good enough for me!

Several years ago, while working at a Christian Camp, God changed my idea of “retreat participation.” I had only been exposed to spiritual retreats, great speakers, late nights, and worship with the angels. What God showed me was that He use these times to prepare us like a military unit readying for war on a spiritual battleground; He is stocking our supplies, readying our focus, and giving us rest and nourishment to go back into the spiritual frontlines. I think we mistake the quiet times of life, those waiting situations between the trials, as missed opportunities to retreat.

I pray that we will use our time wisely, the day of His return IS drawing near, and although we do not know the day or time we need to continue to be salt and light to a hurting world here, near, and far away.

Faith Barrista Jam, Shaking off feelings of guilt...

2010-11-04T08:56:00.001-05:00

(hello friends! for some reason, i'm writing from the "amen corner" of life this morning. it's a good place to be! i can only think that my heart is prepared to participate in a FULL weekend of learning and growing through Jennifer Rothschild and the Fresh Grown Faith Conference for our women, and a series at church called "Here, Near, and Far Away" where Dr. Mark Moore from Ozark Christian College is blessing us with 3 sermons - 3 DIFFERENT sermons - this weekend. You can find out more at http://crossroadschristian.com, and even listen to them, should God lead.)

Now back to our regular scheduled blogging...

When I came to Jesus, as a young adult with a VERY colorful past, I had to reckon with how to deal with all the forgiveness God was willing to give me.

"REALLY?
ALL my sins, just washed away??"

I'd find myself saying over and over, wondering what the catch was...surely this was one of those "too good to be true" deals...but I never found any fine print at the bottom of the page - and the footnotes in my Bible never proved it was a conditional deal.

Then the truth of the matter was the realization that I could accept HIS forgiveness...but could I forgive myself??

THAT TOOK TIME

and 30-some years later, I still have to pick myself off, dust off the pride, and ask for forgiveness again -

BECAUSE I DON'T ALWAYS LET ME BE FORGIVEN.

He HAS separated me from my sins, and the shadow of His cross casts long between them. (amen!)

I know I'm still a sinner. I still hold that bread that is His body, cup that is His blood, and allow my heart to break over the things that I could have done differently. done better. or just shouldn't have done at all.

And if I do it right, IF i do it right, then the forgiveness comes easy - from Him, me accepting it from Him, and walking away with that...moving forward on this journey with Him. I'm learning.

Yes, I'm learning - to not look back. Like the pillar of salt that He so graciously put in the Bible to remind me to not even glance at what I used to be (well, only for the edification of the Body - so He can be glorified in how far He's brought me - and still bringing me - amen?). But not to look, not to long, not to desire, not to wonder "what if...".

Because, come down to it - heart and soul of it - straight up shoot from the hip - it could, LIFE could,

NEVER BE BETTER THAN THIS.

And it's easy to remember that
NOTHING I CAN DO WILL MAKE HIM LOVE ME MORE
and
NOTHING I CAN DO WILL MAKE HIM LOVE ME LESS
(amen)

So guilt, this guilt, THIS GUILT, that Satan tries to stir up in me - won't stick. It's useless.

BECAUSE I'M FORGIVEN
and that's THAT.

On parenting your adult children....or mine at least...

2010-11-02T00:12:00.000-05:00

I'm surprised sometimes, how the "mom" doesn't leave me....it really IS a hard thing to NOT do!

My youngest, Jason, will be graduating from college in December...gosh, I can say "next month" and count the weeks on my hands (not quite yet ONE hand...). His degree, Construction Management, is pretty well rounded, and although the construction industry is still affected by the recession I have no doubt that God can (and will) open the door to a good job for him. (OK - disclaimer here - "good job" in God's way of blessing, not necessarily meant to measure what man judges from the pay check stub, benefits, or what kind of place he'll live in...but that he will be used by God and keep his bills paid and make a difference in the world for Jesus!)

A few times now, he's mentioned wanting to go to CA to visit his "best friend" who attends college there, and even has tried to line up work out there for the past summer (which fell through). Now he's again praying and seeking work there...and it puts me in this place of being grown.

On one hand, I know what life in CA is like - I was born in Southern California, and lived there until my husband was transferred to a new job in GA - as a matter of fact - I was 8 months pregnant with Jason then, and he was the only one of my kids to NOT be born in CA!

I actually am a little (unnecessarily) stressed about him moving there. Part of me thinks that it's too dangerous (yes, that's a part of it) and part of me thinks he'll love it so much that he won't ever want to leave. Part of me thinks that it will rock his spiritual foundation (duh, like college didn't already do that?) and part of me sees that it's such a mission field, and a bit of refiner's fire too.

I KNOW that he has to make this decision on his own. I threw out my .02 worth this morning, and willed to pray "change my heart, Lord; change Jason's mind; or change the circumstances that would lead him there". So now all I do is pray, wait, and listen to every word that Jason says...what he's thinking...what's going on in the job search...and that he'll be wise enough to not believe everything he hears in the process, and that he'll figure out how much more it is to live in some places around the U.S. than in others...whether it's in CA, or KY, GA, or MO...or anywhere - cost of living affects wages and rent, gasoline and bread...and a paycheck is reflective of it all.

So...I was surprised today by how much a mom I can be sometimes. And I'm still expecting God to change me, and for my faith to grow, as I learn to REALLY let go...

on "hearing from God" for Faith Barista Jam...

2010-10-28T12:30:00.000-05:00

It's Thursday again!! I honestly wonder where the time goes in the course of a week...WOW!

When time is going crazy fast, it can be easy to lose sight of the important things in life. I remember how stopping to pray with little ones was the most important part of my day...teaching them to keep those lines of communication open with God....praying in the car as we passed by an accident, or for our meals, or those "can't keep my eyes open" bedtime prayers (where my son would go on...and on....and on....praying for every living thing that he saw that day...until I was sound asleep on his bed!).

It was a season of teaching them to talk to God...and that was good...but oh, how I wish I could have instilled more in their young hearts on how to LISTEN to God. Now they're all grown up, and I can't capture those moments again, but I can reflect and learn, and maybe, someday, they'll stumble upon this blog and hear how sorry I am that I didn't teach them that...

I shoulda, coulda, woulda - taken time to be still to hear HIM. Oh, there were moments in the madness of raising family that I'd make us stop and listen - but it was more about hearing the creation worship our Creator - hearing the birds sing their songs of praise, the wind rustling through the "trees of the fields" and the chiming of the brook bubbling down the creek. How I wish I could have taught them to listen deeper, to hear that "still, small, voice" of the Holy Spirit.

I shared yesterday in my "Focusing on the Family" class of DOK at church on things I wish I would have done differently - and I thought of how I wouldn't have taken quiet time ALONE so often. I would have moved it off of my bed, in the late night hours, and moved it to the middle of the house. I was reminded of when I was babysitting, and how quickly the little girl learned that "this is the chair I go to to read my Bible, to be still, to listen to what God is saying to me through His Word. " She learned so quickly, and in no time at all as she would see me head to that chair, she would grab my Bible and climb on my lap....and how I wish I had done that with my OWN kids!!

I pray that they learn the discipline of "time with God," and can't say how many times He speaks to me through His Word. Whether I am seeking an answer by using a keyword search, or just reading in day to day messages, He will often address something I'm struggling with - or something I need to be changing. How precious are His words!!

Probably one of the biggest blessings in my life right now is how He is speaking to me through my relationships. I have never, in my entire life, been blessed with so many SOLID Christian friendships. I am constantly reminded how He uses my friends to speak truth to my heart, often without prompting me, but speaking through them to encourage, discipline, and motivate me. It is also a good reminder for me that my words can build or tear down, and that's all the more reason for me to be immersed in scripture, that I might speak words of salt and light to a hurting world. Yes, this is something I recently heard from God.

Sometimes I get so enthusiastic when God speaks something to my heart, and I want to instantly put it into motion. Recently I attended a conference on how to impact the Muslim people around us, and it opened my eyes to the hurting world of international people in my neighborhood. One of the ideas that He spoke to my heart, was that so many of them are international students, attending school in the colleges around me. I know that there are many ways to impact this community, but one thing I had not thought of before was being in school with them, not as a teacher, not trying to talk them into coming to a campus ministry event, but in the classroom, daily (or M/W/F...), getting into study groups and allowing myself to encourage friendships though study groups and projects. I was initially excited about this idea, and surprised that I hadn't thought of it before...and as I began to pray about it, I remembered (or was reminded) that these ideas that He speaks to my heart, are not always for ME to fulfill. Sometimes I'm to cast this net out, and allow someone else help pull it in. It's definitely HIS idea, and HE can work it for good, but this may not be the time for me to do it...perhaps HE wants to do it "through me" by using others...I've seen that before in my life.

So hearing from God takes a few things, like maturity, discipline, stillness, wisdom and discernment, and to be using these gifts daily so they are in good practice.

At least, I think that's what He meant by that...
I'd better go search the Word, spend some time in prayer, and seek His face in the stillness of my soul as I listen for His voice...

fried brain

2010-10-26T22:01:00.000-05:00

The weekend was SO full of information, I felt like I was on overload...

"This must be like syllabus shock..." I thought...remembering how my daughter coined a term that was the way she felt when she took her semester's worth of syllabus' from her college courses, and penned them all in on her calendar.

I had been given SO MUCH information, learned SO MUCH about this other religion, and have NO IDEA what to do with it all...but I heard that clock ticking.

Lord, I know that you desire for ALL people to know You...every tongue, every tribe, every nation. For this to happen with "them" we will have to step out of our comfort zones, our of our cars, out of our shopping cart comfort zones and embrace them, talk to them, smile at them to break the ice.

I heard one speaker say that we had NO BUSINESS sharing with them UNLESS we were willing to let them move in with us...for them to choose Jesus, they lose EVERYTHING they have.

Family.

Friends.

Community.

And if they were "there" they would surely lose their life...it happens all the time.

But here, where we celebrate our freedoms, they lose all of theirs. They are a guest in our land, yet held hostage by the religion they were born in to...and our freedoms protect them to worship "that way", yet it is the worst bondage of all.

One that has lied to them.

They believe what they believe because they always have. It's not only religion, but their heritage, their culture. THEIR WAY.

And we won't reach out....will we?
and my heart aches for them. because I don't know it all - but I know that there is life to be lived more abundantly...more than a life of bondage, of legalism, of confusion, of anger and violence by command.

So I'm praying for discernment - and for God to place my feet in places where I can be pushed out of my comfort zone and engage with them.

Not argue.

Not even discuss.

But just be a friend....
for a start.

To love with His love. perfect. complete.
not selfish and sterile.

To engage with these people that He LOVES...because HE LOVES.

No shock there.

Faith Barrista Jam...More Faith=More Happiness??

2010-10-21T09:10:00.000-05:00

Ohh...I LOVE what was written by Bonnie Gray over at Faith Barrista, and need to put the promises from God's love letters to work in my life daily...

Her topic for the Jam this week is "How Does Your Faith Connect To Your Happiness?"

I can be full of faith, loving God, loving me...have my ducks all in a row and life in those perfectly lined little boxes (that SO many over-rate!!) and be miserable.

It just happens.

I remember those food all over the floor, toys all over the house, mounds of laundry reproducing (clean, dirty, and sniff to find out...), dishes stacked to the ceiling, days of having 3 little ones under tow (and under TOE) and stair-stepped in age at that....and sit on the floor with them laughing, reading, climb in bed and snuggle with them...and wake up and the clean house fairies forgot to come by my house - and be happy.

And MORE often, there may be the AWE of God in control in the midst of chaos, at work all around me, in me, and THROUGH me (which amazes me to no end) and the feeling I feel is not really happiness...but well...maybe CONTENTMENT?

Yes, that's it! My faith doesn't command my happiness, but my faith EQUIPS me for CONTENTMENT.

And yeah, that makes me happy. :)

(sorry that this is short friends...it's been one of those weeks that I'm in AWE of God in control in the midst of chaos...and I've got to run, pack my bag - shower (and shave?) - and head in to town to run errands...because later on I get to go to a cool conference in Nashville to learn about Muslims! there was a last minute cancellation and I get to go fill that spot!! I am SO blessed!! I love it when I get to be a student, life long learner, get better equipped to help those that are called to go "here, near and far away" and hey have I told YOU (yeah, YOU!!) how much you are loved by the Creator of the Universe lately???)

I'm sure I'll write about it all later...when life calms down a bit...

10/14 Topic for Faith Barista: Making Tough Decisions

2010-10-13T23:39:00.000-05:00

i love organizational tools. i can spend a day shopping in any store, just looking for new ways to organize my "stuff". you wouldn't know it to come to my house, disorganization is king, but i love thinking that it's possible to get it in order. i'm one of those kind of people, creative and out of the box. "a clean desk is the sign of a sick mind" thinker. right brained in many ways, yet when it comes to making a choice in things, facing a decision of upmost importance or just staying on track, i turn to making lists. plain and simple.

it may go back to my old fashioned, paper and pen, journaling days. or even farther back than that - "SLAM books" - i can not even remember what that stood for, but i remember making them, putting our names, addresses, current crush, favorite food (color, song, teacher) on each page. somehow, life was easier to face when we had it organized in 10 blue-lined pages with all our our deepest secrets spelled out in front of us. there was a sense of normalcy in my southern california neighborhood, despite all the differences of race, creed, color, religion, knowing that we all had something in common...even if that something was a crush on david cassidy, or that we loved pizza.

now days my lists get a bit more complicated, not just a shopping list but dividing it into sections - what comes from the market, what from the big box store, and don't forget to go by the post office! i make a packing list if i'm taking a significant trip, including what needs to come along in my carry-on, what goes to the suitcase, and although i keep saying i'm just going to save that in my computer's memory so i can print it off trip after trip, i haven't. i should put that on a list somewhere of "things to do...".

when i talk to people that are considering dating, i suggest that they make a list, to open their bibles and see what God-qualities they want their future spouses to have - to be missions minded or worship focused, what things are personal choices - like being athletic or liking sea food, or even physical traits or disciplines - like if they keep their room clean. to have a list to work from makes it easier to set a goal, and although these specifics vary greatly in importance, it's helpful to have an outline. (it's also important to let God direct that, and to allow Him to change us as we mature in Him.)

when i face difficult decisions it's important to put my options down in black and white, weighing out pro's and con's, and counting the cost. somehow, seeing it all on paper can take a large problem and make it manageable. it keeps it in perspective.

right now i'm praying about things that will change in my life at the first of the year. although we often have to make decisions that are "here and now", sometimes we can sense things on the horizon and plan and prepare for them. of course, i could be totally wrong, and God may have put this on my heart a few weeks ago in preparation for a decision next week, but i'm thinking that it is for a few months down the road. :) making that list, sorting the good and bad effects each option will make on my life, home, marriage, ministry - all these things are categorized in my mind. i've trusted a few people to pray about these things, people that won't have anything to gain, or lose, by this decision. friends who can just seek the Lord and lay out a fleece on my behalf. a process that puts me in a place where i can let it rest and not pick it up and over-analyze the situation...i know that the answer will come, in time, and am actually already seeing it form. i may ask a few more to pray in that circle - people who will be affected by my decision - not only to give them a head's up that i'm considering this change, but to bring them into a place that God may give them wisdom, put us on the same page, and maybe He will give them a solution or suggestion that i have not seen.

i can't help but think of my 2 daughter's and how they each included us as in their process of deciding to take a mission trip. our youngest girl, jessica, gave us a head's up in the fall that she was praying about taking a summer long internship on the field, and asked if we could pray about that. she didn't have any details, no agenda, not even a plan - just a desire. we were able to pray with her, and for her, and as we saw that plan unfold around her we knew that this was God's will, we were able to be a part of the process. each step was an answer to prayer that we had the privilege to pray for, and she spent an amazing summer abroad in Mongolia. my oldest girl, melissa, is very typical first born. she can do it herself....and often she does! she is very talented and capable of doing many things well. her system was just a little bit different, although it turned out fine...praise God! she decided that she was going to take a school sponsored mission trip over her spring break - and did! we didn't know about it until her ducks were all in a row - and i think that if she wasn't so excited about going, she might not have mentioned it at all! it really was a "oh, by the way, i told you i'm going to italy this spring break...right??" moment.

now i realize that these are pretty simple issues in comparison to what others are facing daily. parents are having to make choices regarding their young children's health. adult children are having to choose a level of life care for their own parents in failing health. things weigh heavy on our hearts, burden our souls, cut us to the core of our being. there is One that knows, One that cares. in prayer is the place that i can always find that peace of mind, where my soul is knit together with His, and He carries my heavy heart. no matter what we face, He is with us, and no matter what consequences occur from our decisions, He will be there.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him, for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 (NIV) is a life verse to lean on. although it is a quick and easy panacea for everyday, it is also a foundational bedrock scripture that we can build our faith on. HE CARES FOR ME (and YOU). why wouldn't i want to cast my anxiety on Him? why wouldn't i want to share my burdens with Him? why wouldn't i want Him to be involved in the process of making any tough decision? He will always want what's best for me...and in that i can rest.

This was only a test...

2010-10-12T18:47:00.000-05:00

I grew up in Southern California, full of earthquakes drills and the ever present "Emergency Broadcast System" tests on tv. It was always a test - blaring siren heard from every room, no matter how quiet the tv REALLY was. We KNEW it was a test, as if it was a REAL emergency, chances were we wouldn't have electricity, or we would have felt the earth shaking from the tremor. If it had been worse, like a bombing (how could I imagine that a bombing would be worse??) we likely wouldn't be alive to worry about it.

Sometimes we'd have a real emergency that didn't warrant the Emergency Broadcast System being used. Smaller earthquakes, storms (I didn't have my FIRST really bad storm until my husband and I moved with our 3 kids to Georgia), even flooding when we lived in a coastal town just a block from the ocean (that spilled down our street and up to our front steps) - none of these qualified for the EBS to be used, yet they were ALL emergencies.

Well, today I thought I had an emergency, but I wasn't sure if it was EBS worthy or not.

My dear, sweet husband is a work-aholic in reform....(don't worry, I don't ever expect him to say, "Hello, my name is Mark (HELLO MARK) and I haven't worked in 228 days..."). That's his problem though, not mine (although it affects our home).

Well, he went to work yesterday morning (yes, on Columbus Day) to work on a special project with an outside team of contractors. He gave me a heads' up that it would likely be a long day. That's code for "I don't know when I'll be home". He called around 9 pm and said that he was still working on something, but he was leaving his office and headed to the area where the problem was, to work with the contractors dealing with it, to insure that it got fixed in time for start up this morning. Then he said that I could keep dinner out for an hour, and if he wasn't back by then, to put it in the refrigerator.

Well, he didn't make it within the hour, or before midnight, or before 2 am - when I called and left a message on his office AND his cell phone (and texted too!). He didn't show up at 3am, or 4:30am and I never got a reply from my texts or calls. When he wasn't home by 5 am I called again, but stayed in bed. Surely they'd be getting ready to start the plant, and he was just busy with the final inspections to insure a smooth start up...but he still didn't call or text or return any messages.

I tried to be "reasonable" that he was busy, but it was really unlike him to not call. Usually I'd complain that he calls home TOO much, letting me know his every move. So this had me baffled. I prayed, felt peace that I was going to be ok with whatever it was going on - but I panicked at the thought of where he might be.

I remembered that he had, within the past few months, had several near misses with deer on his way home from work, a few "too close for comfort" encounters on the highway with other errant drivers, and even had to stop one night when the driver of a semi truck passed out and ran off the road!

A brief thought crossed my mind to text his boss, he'd know where Mark was, certainly if he was still at work (I knew that the boss would know if there were any lingering issues to affect production start up). I was not comforted when his reply was "when I spoke to him last at 9, he sounded like he was on his way home". I panicked a little more inside, and thought tragedy was striking. The EBS warning went off in my head and heart.

So, did he leave work last night and end up on the side of the road? Was he laying in a ditch? Did he leave and go somewhere else, and fall asleep after a long, hard day? Was he asleep in his office? And why was he not returning my calls or my texts?

His boss, via text, promised he would check into it.

I got dressed and headed down the road in tears, thinking that I would be able to find his vehicle, in the early morning dawn, laying in a ditch on the side of that country road so near his work. I was sobbing and heartbroken.

Then he called! Full of apologies of being so busy, the phone battery dead, and not near his office phone, he just didn't want to wake me (LOL - if he only knew how much better I'd have slept!). A few hours later (ok - over 6 hours later) he rolled home, ate, and crashed in bed...where he's sleeping as I type.

So what happened? How come I panicked so badly, throwing the Emergency System switch, and not realizing that "this is only a test"? When I prayed, I felt God's peace for MY life, that no matter what was going on with Mark, that I would be ok. Somehow in my prayers, I had not given Mark the benefit of the doubt and jumped to the worst conclusions....which wasn't fair of me at all...and wasn't fair TO me! And it certainly wasn't fair to God, who had already "told me" (via the Holy Spirit) that I was going to be ok!!

SO, so easily, I fell into that trap of worry. I had given it up for Lent last Spring - and lived happily without it all this time. Kyle Idleman even touched a bit on what was motivating my fear last Sunday (go to http://crossroadschristian.com and listen to the series "gods at war" - SO GOOD!!). Why did I remove God from the throne of my heart, and put selfishness and worry up there with Him on a loveseat?? Why did I overlook His prompting that "this is ONLY a test" (like he gave Abraham in Genesis 22)? That's NOT what I want at all!! GRrr.....I'm kicking myself in retrospect.

So now, humbly, I have apologized to my super-tired hubby. I have repented, and am praying that God will equip me with better tools to handle this sort of stuff. I know that the winter will be full of many "long drives home", something I have to get used to after 15 years of living within a mile of Mark's job. The 20 minute drive might get longer, but I know, no matter what, He is not leaving me alone, and I will likely be tested again.

Thankful...a Pastor Appreciation twist...

2010-10-12T07:46:00.000-05:00

When I lost my mom to lung cancer at almost 13, I never thought about living the rest of my life without her. I wasn't a person of faith, so I never even thought of not seeing her again, or needing her - or anyone else - at any time in my future. As I grew into young adulthood, then as a new Christian - it started to impact me as what it meant to not have a mom around.

My dad remarried - 3 more times - and each of his choices were for him as a wife - not for my sister and I as a "mom," so my need for a mom was never fulfilled. He is not a God-follower, so his life did little to equip me for a life of faith. Little did I know that God had another plan.

Early in my walk with God, I met Kim at the bus stop, and as we got to know each other, her family soon accepted me into theirs. Her parents were great, her brothers obnoxious, her home filled with life. It didn't look anything like my family - but it was a place where I felt welcomed. Kim and I grew in our faith, in our friendship, and lived a crazy roller coaster of life - marriages, difficult seasons, children. As she and I were living it - it was her mom, Vermille, that was our prayer warrior.

When I got married, inexperienced as a bride and as a hostess, it was Vermille that stepped in and took care of our scatter-brained details at the reception. She was there to encourage me in my walk as a young wife, and as a young mom, and as a woman of God. She didn't always have a meek and gentle spirit, but she led by example in many ways; in her faith - through losing her husband and life partner, in service - through serving in her church and in short-term missions, in community - by supporting my kids in life - not only attending weddings but jumping in and helping with the receptions there too, and then signing up to pray for them and supporting them financially as they went to work on the mission's field.

All this has taken place from 1/2 a continent away, as early in our marriage we started moving for my husband's job. She stayed in our coastal Southern California town, downsized her own home, and traveled the world - including our own home in several different states. She shared her travel experiences with me, and when I made it out there she drove me to the beach to sit in the ocean's spray and wiggle my toes in sand. She's prayed for my needs, too many times to count, and just as importantly - she's asked me to pray for her. Her wisdom is something I strive for, or more so, her life long passion for learning; to never know enough, and to always know that we have never "arrived" in our walk with God, to desire to know Him more and constantly be changed to be more like Him.

She's a student of the Bible, an encourager for other women, a prayer partner. She's the mom that I've never known, and has loved me (and others!) as her own. She's set the example of Jesus in loving unconditionally, but also living a "tough love" life when needed. She's lived a life of faith. It's from her life examples that I hope to model my "next phase of life." She's a pastor in the sense that she's a shepherd - caring for the flock. She doesn't have a church under her authority, but she faithfully attends and serves in her church, and mentors the younger women so we can know how to behave.

Thanks God, for bringing Vermille into my life. Thanks for the fulness of life you have given her, and for instilling such good disciplines in her. Thank you for her faithfulness, her strength when facing diversity, and her commitment to You. I praise You for providing her for me, even before I ever knew to ask for her, as a mom, a mentor, a friend. Thanks for showing Your great love for me, by putting her in my life!

Help her Lord, to continue to serve You in many ways, to open doors of opportunity, to guide her steps and keep her healthy. Allow her to see You at work in her life, in her and through her, and increase her faith. Thank you for the passion You have given her, and multiply it as she serves You. Thank You, Lord...

today

2010-10-12T00:37:00.000-05:00

wow. what a day.
after a great birthday weekend, today - although a legal holiday - was back to work for mark, and back to normal life for me. no company. no plan. no schedule.
i managed to get up at a reasonable time...an oddity after being so sick last week. GOD was so gracious in healing me "just enough" to participate in life with my kids this weekend...i never could have done it i felt like i did on thursday.
so forward motions. little things around the house - we have a broken dishwasher again, so i spent some time looking for the home warranty number i need to call, but didn't find it yet. i hand washed dishes, and did a little laundry too. i stripped the spare room bed. played with abbey. read a lot, including the manual for the new camera we bought. then i took the camera out for it's first use...a shoot of fall colors with the short lens out at the local state park, and then out to the waterfront park, and then a last shot as i let abbey run around the neighborhood as i ran over to the golf course to catch the sunset.

i met another neighbor, "c". she's widowed, and lives next to the empty lot where i like to shoot the sunsets...lovely view. she was working outside with her two adorable grandgirls, and we all visited for a good amount of time...girls playing with abbey the whole time. she said for me to stop by again sometime....any time...and although i can tell that there's little bits of loneliness in her life, i wonder if she really meant for me to stop by....or if she was just being polite.
i'm trying to make excuses for my own fear. i need to get over this. i've prayed for a long time that HE would open doors for me to minister in my neighborhood, and this would seemingly be a great opportunity. i need to be brave.
so tomorrow, i'll pull the coffee out, grab a few of my favorite tea bags, and go for a walk. if she's not home i think i'll leave it on her porch - maybe prepare a note to put with it with my contact information. i hope not only to make a friend, but to share my friend JESUS with her, to let HIM fill her emptiness in her life, to show her how HE wants to carry our burdens daily.
for now i'll rotate the laundry, say my prayers, and turn in for the night; trusting HIM to change my fear into triumph with the morning's light.
yes, LORD - change me today.

exhausted

2010-10-08T03:40:00.000-05:00

It's the middle of the night, but that doesn't seem to matter - this has been going on for years now...tonight's just a good reminder of how bad it has been in the past. I seriously had hoped that THIS wouldn't happen again. Not like THIS. Not THIS bad...but it is. Right NOW.

I itch. The inside of my ears itch so bad right now, so far in my ears that my tiny pinkie finger, even with no nail left to bite off of it so I wont scratch my skin; that small, smooth tip of my kid-sized baby finger won't reach down to where it itches. I wont allow myself to use a q-tip, but I think in the anguish of this itching that even an ice pick would not bring comfort.

I have scratched my head, every centimeter of my scalp, and the tops of my feet are especially itchy tonight, although earlier it was my arms, my back, the back of my neck. If I could burn my skin to a crisp, to char it to keep it from itching more, I would.

I haven't itched like THIS in months...maybe in a year.

My eyes itch...the bridge of my nose...and still my ears- GOD why my ears? I can't relieve that, can't touch it, can't even pray it into comfort.

Although earliest episodes, years ago, were random, then the issue was relieved a bit with treatment for hypothyroidism, tonight's episode was seemingly brought on by an antibiotic. It is not the burning rash and tingling areas around my mouth, or a swollen airway that screams "I'M ALLERGIC!" but my a-typical thyroid type rash...almost like hives that itch just under the surface of my skin before it's redness appears. The rash that for 3 years now has kept me biting my nails down, then filing them as smooth as possible so I don't dare scratch my skin into welts that look as though I've run through poison ivy, or have some bizarre parasite tracking under my skin.

But sometimes it appears - like tonight on the back of my neck - in welts like bug bites that make all my lymph nodes back there swell and become tender, even as I desperately itch them to bring some sort of relief...but it brings none...and I'm exhausted. Exhausted of feeling this anguish. Exhausted of trying to satisfy an itch that can't be reached.

"Take a zyrtec" was my plan, but after talking with my pharmacist BIL across the country, as he mentioned that perhaps it (the azithromycin) has messed with my liver function, perhaps that is why this feels like the itch of thyroid malfunction and not of allergic reaction. So the last thing my untrained but common sense brain tells me is "do not throw another chemical into your already screwed up liver!" - JUST in case that is the issue.

So I force feed myself yogurt, in case it's another theory that it is imbalance of yeasty beasties taking over my body, since dose 2 of my z-pack has killed every yeast eating microbe in my system. Yogurt, and 2 pro-biotic filled capsules that bring hope of removing this itching and restore healthy flora to my queasy stomach....and yes, after a capsule that refuses to go down my throat (and feels like it's lodged in my lung after the coughing fit that ensued) the itching seems to calm down...momentarily...so I take my "normal" bedtime meds - hormones to keep me from having hot flashes and an anti-anxiety dose that my counselor friend swears is not even enough to count as a therapeutic - and the lights are no sooner than turned off - and the itching starts in again. The tops of my feet, burning with itch. The top of my head. The back of my neck. The outside of my thighs.

And because I don't want to over use my already exhausted liver (if this is the case) I don't take anything for my cold symptoms, which started this whole mess anyways. So the medicine that has brought me relief for the "sniffly - sneezing - coughing so you can rest" is NOT helping me rest tonight, and the coughing ensues. Hacking really. Which is a pain, since I have a full middle aged bladder that doesn't hold well under that kind of pressure - literally and figuratively.

OH, I still itch, but I manage to keep my hands busy playing with my phone (so Mark can at least rest) and I lose to backgammon against the smart-aleck in the phone, and read the news on several sources, and even check the hourly forecast on a weather site - both for home and for Saturday's game a few hours away - in case I'm healthy enough to really go there. After an hour I can't keep my eyes open, and I think I'm going to FINALLY get some rest...exhausted...and I turn off the phone and lay down my head and cough...but I don't care...I'm going to sleep...finally... until that itching on the top of my feet starts in again...which wakes me up enough to feel it in my ears again. ENOUGH!

Enough is enough. I figure I can get up now, it's been ALMOST 12 hours - that's GOT to be near the half life of that antibiotic - so I'll trust my liver to a 1/2 dose of zyrtec to relieve this itching, and thankfully it's in the bathroom, so I'll pee while I'm up - and THEN get a good night of sleep - at least 1/2 of a good night.

Sadly, my throat isn't going to cooperate at all, and it's dry and scratchy inside (but not an allergic reaction kind of scratchy, but a "it's so dry I need to be hydrated" kind of hacking). So I give up, and my quick run to the bathroom is now over an hour later, and I've given up on my phone and just come into the living room with the Zyrtec bottle and a flat Mt. Dew. So much for the yeasty things - this sugar and caffeine will feed the yeast fine - and all I really want is for relief, and sleep, to come.

One and a half Zyrtec later, I'm still here on the couch. I'm feeling a bit "woozy" from the Zyrtec, and starting to not CARE that I'm itching so badly, and wondering what will happen next in this journey, trusting that God is in control of all this. Even if it's a spiritual attack, I want to learn what I am to learn from it, and will praise God for the 4 other women He has brought into my life that are all suffering with "idiopathic hives", just like me, some with diagnosed thyroid issues, some that I suspect are going to be diagnosed soon. And I praise Him that this is "only" a rash, as miserable as it is, that I'm not trying to put together a plan for cancer treatment, or breast reconstruction, or sitting by my child's bed following a pace maker surgery - trying to speak words of comfort to a child whose pain meds are not working, as a few of my other friends are tonight.

So, as miserable as I am, this is my journey. And whether it's modern medicine that brings me relief, or acupressure, or drug induced coma (JUST KIDDING), I know that He's there, and He won't allow me to suffer more than I can handle...and I know that, in my heart of hearts. I don't understand what this is all about, but I'm sure HE does, and I trust Him with that - even when I don't LIKE it.

So, goodnight sweet world, except for those momma's that are rocking their hungry babies, and daddy's up early to beat the clock to work, and someone making coffee at Mc Donald's this morning. Look up at the sky, and see the bright, BRIGHT stars that are out there in the darkness of this fall sky...I had not even seen them so bright since we moved here...and is that why He had to force me out of bed this morning - to see His handiwork in the night sky? I will praise Him for the sky so bright with stars, and the intricacies of my broken body - so fearfully and wonderfully made - and at that thought - of being created for a purpose - intentionally and exceptionally - realize...this is the week of the 37th anniversary of my mother's passing...

...and perhaps He did all this, just to bring me to a place of devotion, for that very thought.

I love you Lord. I miss my mom. Thank you.

dr jekyl and mrs hyde....

2010-10-07T07:34:00.000-05:00

There have always been several factors that affect my personality, and where I am in my faith is one of them....but I don't think that it's the ONLY factor that influences it.

I can look back to health issues, major or insignificant, and see how it's affected the way I've acted - but even then, in the midst of a major health trial - if my faith was strong - I could muster up a smile. I'm not facing a life or death situation now, but because of past issues I now have a clear cut "faith based strategy" that I live by daily. Those tough circumstances made me put together a plan, and although many people think it's macabre to think that way - it brings me peace to know I have it figured out - for me. Faith brought me to that place of peace.

I can laugh at the comments that people tell me (fairly often recently) about how busy I am, yet I know that it's my faith that motivates my lazy bones to stay occupied and work towards kingdom goals (yes, even in writing!) and asking Him to give me boundaries and put things in my life to hold me accountable. It's my faith that makes me seek Him and live a life that's motivated to accomplish things - KNOWING that it's not my works that save me...it's His love, grace and mercy....His blood that saves me.

There have been seasons of darkness, crying out in the wilderness, questioning why He would let me hurt so bad...emotional darkness, physical pain, broken heart...yet in my heart of hearts I knew that He was there with me, walking beside me, carrying me. I know now that He had to bring me through those seasons in life to make me more like Him, to give me compassion today for those that are hurting; yes, even more than compassion - empathy. Many times I will meet someone hurting and remember "there but for the grace of God, go I." All of this is a spiritually grown mental attitude that affects my personality, and although I may travel a road of depression, deep sadness, or even solitude - I can rest in the knowledge that He is teaching me something there - there is a reason for this life lesson - and in that, there is peace.

I can see times of jealousy and selfishness, wanting to make the "ME Monster" the god on the throne of my heart (or as visiting pastor Kyle Idleman said last Sunday - "the love seat on my heart" wanting that space to occupy more than just God alone!) and I know that affects my personality. Being called out of that season recently I can see how He had to change me to put my heart and head back in line with His heart and head, and again His peace flows again in my life, and joy abounds. It took a little spiritual maturity to put it into perspective, and to be willing to pray that prayer of "change him, change the circumstances, or change me," but that last phrase works EVERY time!!

Where His peace is, depression turns from life threatening to resting in His arms until the clouds clear; pain that keeps me unfocused and unable to pray is replaced with faith- KNOWING that He is leading others to pray for me by the power of His Holy Spirit; uncertainty in what tomorrow holds is replaced with a sense of adventure, knowing that we are on a life path together; and if fear creeps in, trying to dislodge my peace I know that I have great spiritual armor to do battle with, if I just muster up enough strength to pick up my sword - His word. (Ephesians 6:17 "Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." Hebrews 4:12 "For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."

All this being said, when we talk about faith and personality, does this mean that a Christian can not have a personality disorder, or suffer from mental illness? I think that we can, as Christians, be made to walk that road too. I have seen many believing people called to that road of suffering, and have been on it myself. It grew me, in faith, as a person of God, as a servant. Were there other ways that He could have used life circumstances to change me, to rid me of the gods on that love seat in that season of life - perhaps - but I won't question His methods. And just as one who is in recovery for any addiction, or a survivor of a life-threatening disease, it's a journey that I'll stay on the rest of my life, a part of my own HIStory. I don't ever want to forget that He brought me though it - from the depths of despair to a place of joy - and it's in that joy that I want to reside.

Lifelong friendships to fill spots in our hearts...

2010-10-04T19:40:00.000-05:00

There's a woman that God brought into my life several years ago, and I just got an envelope from her - and in writing back to her I realized that perhaps our story needed to be shared.

I lost my own mom when I was almost 13, wow...37 years ago this week. I didn't know then how big a hole she would leave in my heart. I miss her more now than I did then....but God always has a plan to help heal those hurts...how to fill those places.

Charlotte is a mom-like person to me. God brought her, and her husband Bill, into our lives through the church we went to in Cassville, MO. We were homeschooling at the time, and she is a natural teacher, they both were. Bill passed away in our journey of life with them, and we cried at the loss together. I have tears in my eyes now thinking of how he poured his life into our family; whether it was setting up the telescope in the yard of their farm to watch the latest astronomical phenomenon late at night with us, or playing frisbee with my kids, or bickering at my husband for working too much - he was a dear. He loved God, and loved people the way he knew God loved them. He gave of himself over and over again. He left such a legacy, and he is still missed by many.

Charlotte was just as much a part of my life. She is the one that REALLY got me into baking breads, playing with recipes in new ways, taught me (and my girls) to quilt. She organized her fabrics by color and type, as well as her quilt books in her extensive library, and often shared both with us. She is generous still, willing to give fabrics, quilts, and patterns to needy causes...even when they are strangers. She new what small town life was about, and wasn't afraid to stand up to it. She was who she was, and she got mail that was addressed to "The Goat Lady" or "The Quilt Lady" both titles that the post office (even in their new fangled requirements) knew her as. She canned, and made jams, and baked goodies for no real reason, and snuck dark chocolate against doctor's orders. She kept a cookie jar on her counter for my kids, especially for my son Jason. She bought Christmas presents and snuck them under the tree to Bill and herself from their dogs and cats...and gave her pets a good life, a good home.

As a couple, before coming to Barry County, they lived a full life - raising their own family of girls in New York, Colorado, Arizona, and while she baked bread, raised goats, taught school, he had a great career with IBM - which they jokingly referred to as "I'm Being Moved". They had computers before most people knew what one was, and our first family computer was a hand-me-down that they generously gave to us. They were retired and online, before most, and even still she is active online. She is published, which gained my respect as a writer, another area we shared in common. They loved Jesus, and His teachings. They loved to read, and used the library. He loved being outside, working on the farm, building things (even adding a room on their house, and helping others build their homes, and assisting to build a church). They recalled stories often of camping, and canoeing for weeks out on rivers, lakes, hiking, living a full life.

So, now we miss them both - Charlotte sold the farm and moved to the other side of town within the year of Bill's death, and it was not as easy to see her. We went to different churches, got into different circles of friends, and God eased us out of that small town life, and eventually moved us to Kentucky, where Mark and I now live. But our friendship is still in tact, and I miss her - her antics and her silly pets and all the memories of times we've shared.

Every month she sends me a magazine - a local publication from southwest Missouri. She often tucks in a note, a church bulletin, the latest newsletter from her church. This time she sent me a little birthday card :) She is great about sending cards, and I'm sorry to say that I've never picked up on her gift there, but realize because of her example that it's a needed ministry. I need to pray that God will change me to do that more, for her and for others.

As I was writing her a little email to tell her "thanks", it occurred to me that others may need to say "thank you" to someone from their past. As we are all getting older, well - we aren't getting YOUNGER!! - I hope that we can take time to say how much someone has impacted our life. For better or worse, we learn from others, and we somehow know what we want to be like - or what we hope to be like - as we age gracefully.

So, here's to you Charlotte!! I love you, and am so glad that God brought you into my life so many years ago!! It's been quite a journey - and I pray that I will someday be the mom to another, like you have been to me...

Following is my letter to her...be blessed...

"Just got the magazine today...guess it was sitting out in the mailbox all day - I am not feeling well and didn't even manage to get out the front door to the mailbox. Mark brought it in for me.

THANK YOU for the card, and for mailing me the magazines each month. It means a lot - the birthday wishes, your little notes that you send to keep me up on all the news, and the mailings. I know that it "makes" you get out and go to town, that it's not a convenient thing for you to do - but if you didn't do it I wouldn't see it at all...so it means a LOT to have you do it. Thanks.....

....So this is 50!! Content in my life, it finally fits!! I am getting to do things and help people in ways I'd never imagined. Life feels FULL. It really is comfortable.

I look back at the last 20 years and see things that were good; wonderful people who made my life worth living - to bring me to this place. God was so good to put you and Bill, the Latta's, the Reed's, and a few others in my life to bring beauty and fruit to my life during that time. Lovely examples of what marriage looks like in older age....wonderful examples of mature life with Christ. Such a blessing.

I remember too, days that were lonely, even gloomy, TOO many health issues that were so odd, strange things that happened that were scary and unpredictable. He always provided ways to work through it, a few people to pray me through it, a few people to stand by me.

Now I have those memories, and I am walking in those shoes. It feels good. They fit. I thought that I was perpetually 33 - but I feel like 50 is a good age to stick at for a few years. Perhaps I'll be perpetually 50 now, or I'll continue to grow from here and age gracefully year by year. One could hope....

I TREASURE the thoughts of you teaching me to quilt, the way you stepped in to my life, my heart, and became a mom I needed so badly. We lost a few years, but you have always been willing to hear my gripes, feed me chocolate, bribe me with fabric, nurture me with a good book and sewing notions. You gave me strength to forage through in a difficult town, in a difficult church(es), through difficult years. You related to my work-aholic hubby, and loved him like a son (or son in law). You grandparented my children like they were your own. You've been very lovely. Thank you. You encouraged me to grow, as a mom, a woman of God, a woman, an artist and writer. You saw things in me that I often didn't see, and encouraged me to reach beyond myself. Thank you.

You are one treasure that came with me from that time in the desert....my "40 years in the wilderness".

I love you Charlotte, and look forward to knowing you the rest of our lives.

Thank you Char, Mom.

I love you,

marina"

Embracing Joy...being changed...

2010-09-30T11:58:00.000-05:00

One of the blogs I get sent to my inbox is from Holley Gerth, a writer for DaySpring. Today she had a "guest blogger" BonnieFaithBarista, who posted the question, "Do you feel God is doing a new work in you? How is embracing joy part of that journey?". (read her blog here: http://blog.dayspring.com/2010/09/bonniefaithbarista.html
I responded with my post below:

"OH Yes!!

When God moved us (19 years ago) to a small town in SW MO, I KNEW that we needed to make that move...His hand was there...but our time there was miserable for me personally. There were good things that came from it, lessons learned, a safe place to raise our family, and we became more dependent on God - but I jokingly called it "my 40 years in the wilderness" and wondered what lesson I had to learn before He would release us from that area. Well, it only took 19 years, LOL, but God released us from that area last spring, and moved us to NW KY, and we are BLOOMING where we are planted!!

It would have been very easy to have stayed indoors, pulled drapes, and shied away from life in general, but He THREW OPEN WINDOWS in my soul that I never knew were there! He not only moved us to a job full of blessings for my husband (still hard work, but a new attitude in the workplace), but preceded us in prayer at his job and at our church - and there's tons of work for me to do (volunteering) there.

The local writing job I had at the "old" place, was willing to move with me to the "new" place; and that's opened doors for writing here too. I'm blogging with new enthusiasm, up to my eyeballs in missions stuff that I love, and to top it off, one of our kids that was living 1/2 way around the world ended up moving 2 hours from us, AND we're half way closer to another child and our grandkids!

Had I not had His JOY planted in me from the start, I never would have found courage to be changed. I was so good at hanging on to the burdens from the "old" place, no one would have wanted to put me to work here! Only because of His assurances of love, protection, joy, new mercies every morning, and a "new song", could I come up with the courage it took to allow Him to change me.

In fact, a prayer that I find myself praying often, in all sorts of difficult times is this: "Change this circumstance, change this other person, or change me..." and guess what?! HE CHANGES ME MOST OFTEN!!"

I hope that you find courage to face the changes in life today, and a willingness to ask God to "change me" in the circumstances that scare you most. Life tomorrow may not look anything like today's life, but if you trust Him, and muster up a little joy for the journey, that's not really a problem, is it??

This week, at Crossroads...

2010-09-26T17:59:00.000-05:00

It's not too often that something just really hits me square in the eyes - but Ken's series of "Just One" has done just that. Today's lesson was especially motivating - and I suggest that anyone interested in growing deeper with God - which should be all of us I guess - should listen to it.

You can go to the web site here:
http://www.crossroadschristian.com/resources/media.asp

There are three lessons in the series, but today's is especially good. I can't say enough to do it justice - so I won't try. You'll just have to go and listen!!

I'm feeling so blessed right now- God has changed my heart in some things here at home, and this "new perspective" is making life so much more bearable for me (LOL). It shouldn't surprise me when He leads me to pray that way ("change the circumstance, change the other person, or change me!") and of course, when I submit to asking Him to change me, that's what He'll do. I need to pray that every day, to be changed daily into being more like Him.

Fall arrived this morning, and the coolness is astonishing to me. I wasn't prepared at all, but was pleasantly surprised. Praise You God for the seasons.

Have a great week!!
Happy Fall, Y'all!!

more on planting grass seed...

2010-09-23T10:47:00.000-05:00

I got the front yard re-seeded this morning in the cool of the day...since we're having record breaking heat every afternoon. So much for the first day of fall!!

As I was putting this seed down I was wondering, "should I have dug up this existing grass, broken up this HARD ground??" and it reminded me of a scripture I have had framed in my home for years (thanks for the gift long ago from CB):

"Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the LORD, until he comes and showers righteousness on you." Hosea 10:12

Oh goodness...I could hear the birds laughing at me...waiting for their breakfast of fine Kentucky Bluegrass seed that was sitting on the top of the soil, scattered among the creepy clover stuff that wouldn't die at Mark's hand using the weed killer. I hope that the scattering of straw that I put over the lawn will help protect it some from the birds, the heat, and the wind.

As I spread out that straw, I realized how much seed was falling out of my bale....so if the grass seed doesn't survive, I feel certain that I'll have a GREAT crop of straw growing. : ( At least it will start off green!!

I'll meditate on the scripture from Hosea as I do my chores this morning in the house...or "house blessing" as a friend calls it. All along I'll pray for the "showers" to come raining down -righteousness in our lives - and my poor yard can use some cooler temps and lots of rain... and I'll keep seeking Him through the season...

grace and peace...
marina

yard work

2010-09-21T18:23:00.001-05:00

I haven’t had such a bad yard, or cared about what my yard has looked like, for a LONG time. Several years of country living; grassy areas filled with clumps of grass rearranged by moles, voles, and groundhogs; kept my caring at bay. It wasn’t an issue. If anyone happened to drive down our country road, the last thing I’d worry about them commenting on is the shabby shape of our yard!

Nothing changes that faster than moving into a neighborhood. We aren’t “yard snobs” here, and our neighborhood is reflective of that; but they still keep their grass trimmed nicely, plants thoughtfully landscaped, and things are placed intentionally. It’s a welcoming neighborhood, and we feel blessed to be a part of it.

That being said, we felt we were not being a good neighbor when we saw how poor a shape our yards were in. Now you’d think that the back yard wouldn’t matter, but our property lies in a way that the house in back of us, which happens to be uphill from us, can see our entire back yard. The spotty grass was ok, until Mark discovered some mutant form of grass growing that looked more like corn sprouting amongst the grass, and it grew 2 - 3 times faster than the rest of the yard; so he killed it. Then Abbey (our dog) discovered that there were critters out there; and being the good part-terrier dog she is, decided that it was her job to play pest controller and rid us of the critters. So, our now half dead, dug up yard was an eye sore - even for us. Something HAD to be done.

Mark had envisioned a perfectly manicured all ONE type of grass yard, like a FEW of our neighbors have. He insisted that they had yards filled with perfectly grown Kentucky Bluegrass, that all grew at the same rate, was mowed a little longer than the grass we grew out in the countryside of Barry Co., and would stay green and lush. To use a seed mix was out of the question. It would pollute the yard he dreamed about from the start. No need to go there. So the bag of grass seed that I had bought earlier this summer sat on the shelf until I could get a BIG bag of Kentucky Bluegrass. Once I got it, I spent a day - in the second week of September (I’d always heard that was the best time to plant grass seed!) - spreading it out over the patches of bare yard, over the grassy areas that were slowly browning from the weed killer that Mark had sprayed down the week before, and of course the trenches and holes - compliments of Abbey. I made a point to water it a few times a day for the first few days, and didn’t worry when we had to go out of town as there was rain in the forecast - it WAS - after all - the second week in September.

So we left town, and ended up staying midway on our trip out of town, for the rain forecast was causing traffic nightmares in the next large city that we’d have to travel through. We were tired anyways, not a good combination for sleepy eyes and rain slicked highways....and our yard was going to get watered!! YAY!!

Well, the rain didn’t materialize at OUR house...it fizzled out instead. And Abbey, our dear part-terrier wonderdog, decided that she was bored of staying in the comfort of her yard for the night; thought that she needed to dig some more trenches for us. So we had NEW holes in the bare spots of our grass seeded yard. But no grass.

It was clearly time to move on to plan B.

We had discussed the memories of planting seed in our yards when we lived in Georgia and Arkansas. We carefully scattered the seed using a broadcaster (like I used here), but then were quick to cover it with straw, to protect the seed from the Indian Summer days, and birds that wanted an easy meal, and even from washing away from the watering and rains. So when I spotted bales of straw at a local nursery, I took it upon myself to pull in and get a few - only problem was that the back of my car had a Christmas tree in it - another story for another day - and there was no way that the store would be open by the time Mark got off work (they weren’t). But, this was an all-purpose nursery, and in addition to the bales of straw, they had a wide variety of plants and trees, all in beautiful shape - all would look lovely in my yard - however I’m not “there” yet, and have no idea what I want growing where....besides the luscious lawn that my husband desires. Then I had an “AHA!” moment and saw that they had piles of dirt in the front of the nursery, different varieties of soils, rocks, ground covering mulch. I asked how much it would be for a load of top soil - just $15 a scoop (I didn’t see the “scoop” size, but thought it would surely be enough to fill Abbey’s holes). I asked if they delivered, and yes, in fact they do - and NO CHARGE for delivery to our home since it was so close to their location!! SOLD - one scoop of top soil and 2 bales of straw!! I had my work cut out for me for the next day!!

They were going to drop it off that afternoon, which was sooner than I really wanted it, but then their schedule backed up and they called and asked if first thing in the morning would be ok - it was fine. Then it occurred to me that when we moved - we had to leave our wheel barrels behind. Yipes. I bribed my husband with a dinner out at our favorite Chinese restaurant, which just happens to be next to the local Lowe’s store. As we walked up and down the aisles my husband looked at the bags of top soil...just over $1 a bag...”we could have just gotten them here...” he reminded me. I sighed, realizing that this wasn’t about the dirt, but the fact that it came in bags, and if I’d waited we’d not be shopping for a wheel barrel that night - and he’d be home watching Monday Night Football on tv after his LONG day at work. Point taken.

He settled on getting a “yard wagon” instead of the wheel barrel, insuring that I’d be able to use it for more things than dirt, that it would be easier for me to use, and that the “dumper” feature was worth it. I quickly looked online on my smart phone and saw that it was about the same price as the cheapest Radio Flyer at another big box store, but would carry much more weight (“2 of me,” Mark said) and that dumper feature would come in handy (not to dump Mark or the grandkids out of it!). To top it off we had a gift card from some unknown return we’d made months ago - which ended up being 1/2 the price of it!! (Thanks God!!) We took it home in the box, and Mark envisioned himself sitting in the living room, able to watch the end of his football game....but by the time we got it home and opened the box, the fumes from something on the plastic or the wheels was so strong that he ended up moving it out to the garage. He was a good sport about it though, and got it put together and moved it to the back yard for the night. Perhaps the smell would keep the moles and voles away from the remaining grass.

In the morning I awoke with an “oh NO!” feeling, having forgotten to set an alarm. It was ok, the front yard was still empty, and the truck pulled up with my scoop of top soil and 2 bales of straw JUST as I finished my morning glass of water. I ran out and greeted him as he was getting out of the truck. We exchanged pleasantries and discussed where the dirt should go, and he got to work. I admit I was a bit disappointed when my idea of top soil was pretty far off from what the local top soil looked like - I was expecting dark, rich, river enriched soil...but what it was in fact, looked JUST like the “top soil” that Abbey kept digging up in our backyard - red, silty, dusty, dirt. Oh well. The bags would have made a better nurturing soil for the grass seed - but this was here now, and delivered to our door...or side yard, as it was.

He left without incident, and I took to the task of loading the wagon, shovel full of dusty red dirt at a time, and toting it to the back yard to fill in ALL these holes. I packed it with my Croc covered foot, amazed at how the dirt packed down, and wondered if one scoop of “top soil” would finish the job. I knew already that I’d concede to getting bags of it from Lowe’s if I needed more - and that Mark would have to assist with that job, my days of throwing bags of soil around were numbered.

After filling all the holes in, I took to spreading the seed. I know that we had a partial bag of that prized Kentucky Bluegrass left over, but thought that I’d reserve that for attempt 2 of the front yard, where it would be seen from up-close - and used the smaller bag of the “mixed seed” for the backyard. After all, as long as it didn’t look like corn growing, was durable, and most importantly GREEN, will it really matter what type of seed it is back there? More than anything I want it to NOT be mud all winter long!! That was my main goal, and for it to not look horrible for our backyard neighbors as they peered out their windows into our yard.

I scattered seed, which happened to be mixed with a mulch agent and some sort of special nutrients to insure that this seed would grow grass ANYWHERE. Yeah, we’ll see about that!!

Then I took the wagon (which had already earned it’s weight in our deflated dollar by now) and loaded my first bale of straw. I had to call Mark to see where the wire cutters were (it was the first time I’d seen straw bales wrapped with WIRE, and not STRING!!) and got it moved to the back yard, released from the wire that held it tightly together, and peeled it “flake by flake” off the bale, allowing it to gently cover the seeded ground. Despite my gloves, my arms were covered with little red “scratches” from the straw - like a grass rash - which by now added insult to injury of the sunburned areas of my body. Shoulda, coulda, woulda was all I could think about - sunscreen, long sleeves, long pants, tennis shoes....all were in my hindsight. Oh well. I started to dream of being clean, free from the red silty dirt that covered me...ready for a nice cold glass of water - or juice - or better yet, a Throwback Mt Dew!! I was getting pretty worn out...but the task wasn’t finished.

As I was scattering straw over the seed and soil, I started feeling my heart being tugged by God to look at all the obvious comparisons of soil and seed stories in the Bible. Then I started to look beyond them, and seeing my own stories develop, a little list of do’s and dont’s and what if’s for the sower of the seed. I laughed at how my friend Laura and I had decided a while back to meet weekly to study a book “Eats With Sinners”, and how perfectly that has prepared us for a season of teaching at church on personal evangelism through the “Just One” series; how even God prepares the soil of OUR hearts to receive His words, to allow that seed to take root and grow into actions.

So now, cleaned up and in the comfort of my air conditioned home, belly filled with PB and J, a variety of anti-inflammatory drugs floating in my blood stream to relieve the pain that I’m feeling in many places, I am pondering these things. Thinking, not out loud verbally, but written words that will be committed to blog space soon - and contemplating what really needs to be said, to be taken to heart...lessons I don’t want to forget about planting seed...

Know what you’re doing, and be prepared with the proper tools. This doesn’t mean that you have to be a pro - but you have to know what the goals are, what steps need to be taken to achieve the goal, and what effective tools to have at hand, as well as the quality of the tools you will use. If you don’t know God’s word, how effective can you be to show someone else how important it is? Lead by example, and use the tools HE has given us.
Cover yourself. In the yard I should have not only worn a hat and shoes, but long sleeves and sunscreen. Before you go out to sow seeds among the crowds, make sure you’re covered in prayer.
Know where you’re going. Even if you can’t foresee the events or the atmosphere, you can have a general idea of where you’re going to be sowing. What I need for the front yard is different than the back...and yet the results (growing grass) will be similar. If I was trying to grow grass in a sandy location I’d need to be prepared differently. I might throw grass seed down on top of snow (I’ve heard that works!) but might not want to do it in a flooding rain.
Know your soil. Obviously the soil I thought I was going to get, was not what I got! Take time to get to know the soil that you’ll be working with, and as you build relationships with people, refresh your memory as to what kind of soil their hearts may be like by reading the parable of the soils in Mark 4.
Be willing to be changed. The way my body was changed today is similar to the way our spirits are changed, or our hearts. I might be a little sore today, and MORE sore tomorrow, but the long term investment of gardening all the time would be beneficial to my overall well being. If I spend time sowing spiritual seed on a regular basis, not only will I get better at sowing seed, but it’s going to make me a more fit follower of Christ too!
You might get burned! I was not prepared when I went in the sun today, and likewise, sometimes we may not be completely prepared to go to the fields. There have been times that I think that someone who has changed, has not really changed; and we get disappointed. Does it mean that we never sow seed again? NO!! But we may want to pay attention to the things earlier on (knowing God’s word, the soil, being covered in prayer, etc) to be ready to face challenging circumstances. It might take stronger tools to get that soil to change, but be willing to keep working on it - or to bring in the pro’s for support!!
It takes time. Be willing to cultivate relationships...it takes time too!! Chances are the stranger on the street will not be affected with one encounter, but they might; someone else may have been working that ground before you got there!! You’ll have a better chance of making an impact by planning on being there for the long haul - not just haphazardly throwing seed around, or sprinkling the hose here and there. Go back, again, and again!! Nurture these seeds into seedlings, then take care of your lawn! It may need to be weeded, watered, fertilized, and cut - over and over - but it’s worth it to have a grassy spot - or a wonderful friendship with a new believer...

From the backyard, and the kitchen table...

blessings, grace and peace...

marina

Fall is Here

2010-09-07T10:01:00.000-05:00

I'm not quite sure how God makes this happen - but my internal clock KNOWS that it's Fall. With a house full of company last week, long hours filled with laughter, grandgirls playing, cuddling, cooking, reconnecting with kids and having a grand time - and the whole time my body was screaming.... ..."SLEEP!!! GIVE ME MORE SLEEP!!"

Now, house quiet, company gone, a refrigerator full of grandgirl masterpieces - and smudges on the floor, walls, beds to make, towels to fold, dust to capture before it turns magically into bunnies under my couch; and all I want to do is sleep....and I have so much MORE to do too!!

It may be S.A.D., and I may be sad, but it's so funny that it's still 90 outside, there's lots of available sunlight, I'm out in it as much as possible (and still accomplishing things). I even walked yesterday evening (gotta keep those endorphins going), in the almost coolness of dusk, the full one and a half mile with Abbey the Wonderdog in tow, and STILL - all I want to do is sleep!!

OK God...this is YOUR body, YOUR mind - and I pray spiritual warfare against the evil one that wants me to climb into a hole for the next 5 months... so please, as I surrender my will to You, take over and fill me with things of YOU, create in me NEW chemicals that will make up for any loss of daylight, fill my calendar and keep me occupied so I don't miss the early morning coolness, and the green leaves on trees, and the late afternoon sunshine - high up in the sky. Keep my eyes set firmly on YOU, and the things that YOU are doing in me, and through me, and show me ways that I can serve, to be Your hands and feet in this new neighborhood where you placed us, community where we live, in our church. I need You to give me boldness as I strive to reach out and seek the lost, to build relationships with women who have given up on You, who have not walked with You, who need a healing touch, a friend in Jesus. Thank You for the friendships I have IN You that have blessed my life...friends "here, near and far away" that encourage me, pray for me when I'm down, listen to Your Holy Spirit and pray for me when I don't even know that I need prayer...and help me to pray for them in the same manner. Help me see answered prayers, in my life, and in theirs!! Help me to see little ways to pray daily for things I don't know; the tired woman at the market, the crying child in the restaurant, the accident on the side of the road, the ambulance speeding by. Make my heart draw close to You, so I can rest in the moment - and hear Your heart beat. Commit Your words to memory in my aging brain (which is often in a fog - compliments of zyrtec), and continue to help me to learn the names of new people that You bring to cross my path...so that I can effectively show them that their friendships matter to me, because they matter to You. (in Your name...amen...)

Well, I didn't think that this would be a prayer, that this would be a cry of my heart....but it is. I don't want to slip into winter's weariness, I want to LIVE through the celebration and create joy around me! I want to be a light in darkness - figuratively and spiritually!!

I trust Him to do it...and I will do my part - do drag myself out of bed early-ish, get outside and walk regularly - no matter what the weather is doing - and make it back into the Y for exercise in other ways, and to keep a joyful outlook on life - no matter what my brain is trying to convince me to do (because I know it lies to me...I read that in a book last year - "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" by Dr. Daniel Amen). If I want to bake, bake I will, but I'll be a good neighbor about it and share - instead of keeping it all here - another way I can bless those that He has put around me.

I'm actually looking forward to fall, and even winter now!! Let the party begin!! : )

- marina